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Sharing This Website With Your Spouse

I am just curious if any of you have shared this website with your spouses.

When my marriage was sexless, I had mentioned this website and group to my wife during one of our "talks", but I stopped short of actually logging on and showing her this group. I really wanted to let her see how, in the words of other people, this situation made me feel. Looking back, I wish I would have. Perhaps it could have prompted a quicker recovery, or, perhaps it would have made her feel guilty and sad ( I would never want to cause the later ).

So, I'm just wondering if you have shared this group with them. If so....why and what was the result.

If not, why not and would you consider sharing it?
1hotcouple 1hotcouple 46-50 18 Responses Dec 17, 2012

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I have showed my husband.
I actually think it's a helpful tool to support your feelings about the issue of a SM.
Sometimes others can explain how you feel better than you can. And it's helps prevent your partner from thinking it's just you that has a issue. ( that goes for both the refused and the refuser )

I understand the impulse to share. I have spent years trying to get my STBX to understand my perspective. I now realize that he is not capable of taking any responsibility or recognizing his own behaviors even when they are spelled out in front of him. I am learning how to let go of my desire to get through to him and am trying to move forward.

I have not, but I did show him the stack of books I'd bought on the subject of sexless marriages. I was trying to prove that this was an ongoing problem, and that some of the books had been purchased 4 years ago. I got the same reaction as always...absolute silence. I wouldn't share this site with him. It's my place to feel like I'm not crazy.

absolutely not. this is a safe place for me to vent, think out loud, get opinions & feedback. it's also a place where I not only receive but also give comfort, knowledge, and advice.

my H would be appalled at what he would see as a betrayal: me sharing intimate details about him & our life. he would say I should only talk to him about it.

kinda hard to talk about & receive advice about abuse from one's own abuser.

No...but. He saw the name of it when he looked over my shoulder one time. He actually snickered. I think he thinks all the sexlessness is my fault now as I've moved out of the bedroom. *******. There was a time (not now) when I would have welcomed an advance from him.



He certainly hasn't been looking around on the site. He would recognise my username. I think he just doesn't care.

No I have not shared this with my spouse at this time. She would not understand why I would want to seek out others to share intimate thoughts and desires. She would feel a little jealous

Oh no! I could not share this website with my girlfriend. She would have a fit about it. I know cause she doesn't like anyone talking about her without her knowledge. I know cause when I tried to use an outlet to express myself in detail in my computer she accidentally stumbled on it(I left the document open) and this was just for me to express myself, no one was gonna read it but me. She became angry when she read almost to the point of me being scared of her. So, imagine a public site. 2. She searched my computer to find conversation history me and my friends had. 3. I am truly scared of her to even mention to her that I've been writing about her on here, she would not take it well at all. 4. I'm paranoid this minute thinking she might find this website and read all that I have written on here about her/us. If I was to introduce this site to her, it would just be her telling me how horrible I am and how much of a careless person and evil as well. That's one of the names she called me when she found my journal. Now if it was my ex, it would be a positive outcome. And I would totally share this site. My girlfriend not at all.



I also need an outlet where I can vent, be myself and connect and relate with others. I need a place of my own away from her, this is my bubble and I don't want her in it.

No this is my private space where i can vent and make suggestions, and offer support to others. Besides my honesty on this site wont go down well with her.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

couldn't agree more!

My ex does browse this site. She describes it as "painful but eye-opening". On the other hand, she still claims that she wasn't being manipulative by: refusing sex, intimacy or even discussion of the issue - and on the occasions when I finally beat through the defensive wall - repeatedly begging for another chance, promising to seek help and then doing nothing. She's recently argued that I'm jointly responsible for not having tried to force her to seek help (like that would have worked). So, I guess this site had some minor impact, but not a lot.

I don't for a few reasons. 1. For me it's my "safe" place where I can vent and say exactly what I want to say. All of the things, I have said in one way or another to my H but I say it in a kinder, more loving way...not in the raw way I present it here when I'm angry. 2. If he knew I publicly said all these things about him, he would lose his mind and I don't care to hurt him that deeply. 3. Even if he were to look and read, it would not make a DAMN difference. I know because in the past, I had him look at and read articles about being asexual. He was open to the idea of it but then as with all the "ideas" about what is going on they eventually fade away and die out.

I shared my whole profile and all my stories and comments, with my spouse just yesterday.
I got a very positive response, He was willing to do a whole lot more, he might have just understood how serious I was about this problem and how much it affected me to the core.
Being extremely honest in my relationship has helped it a lot, because he trusts me completely..

I've read a lot of your stories, Uma. Not everyone here is going to turn things around, but I think you have a real chance at it. I know you 2 have been talking more, and that some action has spurred because of it. Hope things keep going your way!

Thanks a lot for your encouraging words. I think things are definitely moving in the right direction for me..

agreed it is the communication that is a start - nothing will happen without it.

I told him right when I started, name of group, everything. He'd definitely recognize my name if he came on here, he knows the connection. Since I have mentioned it in couples counselling, even spelling out the name for the counsellor, who was interested.

My EX has ZERO interest. I don't even care anymore. I know for a fact he's never been on here, wouldn't read this stuff if I printed it out and posted it in 5 foot letters.

My H couldn't care less and would be sooooo pi$$ed if he knew I was on here. I use the "in private browsing" feature so he won't see it on the history. This group wouldn't change his mind at all.

I printed out a terrific post for H that describes the hell of an SM without denigrating the refuser, because believe me he will turn off in an instant if he is not perceived as a fabulously nice guy. It describes how one learns to ignore the effects while being involved with one's wonderful kids until WHAM some innocuous touch by a stranger brings home all the accumulated pain. The OP ended this particular episode of distress by weeping in the library stacks. I slipped this hard copy into his luggage just before he left for a conference. While he made no mention of it at all, he did return with very nice products to use for foot massages. So he did read it and thought about it. He used these products exactly once. He rebuffed my attempts to engage him in further use. They sat idle on my vanity--he did not want them on his.Fast forward several months (I promise this relates). We recently re-entered couples' therapy. My goal is to use therapy 1. as a pressure valve so I do not turn into a screaming harpy shrew while working towards an exit plan; 2. as a way to usefully triangulate a third party into witnessing our dynamic so 3. H has the opportunity to see the marriage differently; and 4. turn H towards some reflection. A 5th and overarching goal is for me to stop doing all the talking, outwaiting my H's silences until he does, in fact, say something. At the end of our first session, the therapist asked what I wanted. I could not answer. Later that week, however, I wrote up a Big Bang-style relationship contract complete with defined behaviors and frequency as well as built-in evaluation points. The objective and written nature of the language allows both H and myself to talk about these points in a real, if stilted, type of conversation. Here is where the original sharing of the EP post comes in: Footrubs/backrubs/hand massages are in the contract for planned intimacy. Having in theory agreed to this when he returned with the products over the summer, he could not claim to have the entirety of the contract foisted upon him. I could point out that this was his very own solution. Because we both are who we are, he understands--truly understands--that the contract is actually a collaborative model. This may all come under the rubric of re-set intimacy. He has, however, taken the initiative to set up some of these encounters without reminding. Also, prior to the contract and after the first therapy meeting, I did have a spectrum-level uncontrollable and unplanned meltdown. If you think they are bad in kids, you do not want to see one in an adult. H witnessed and was a part of the entire thing. So he could see, in a way he understands, how serious the whole thing is for me.

I gave my wife my username and password... Have since changed password. But she checked it out, even set upper own account and responded to a story conveying the other side view point. But when the poster asked what specifically could be done, she never answered. She also asked why I wasn't following a website titled how to make marriage work... So I think she may have missed some of the point, because this website IS about how to make it work and then if you can't it also helps you through that process... I wouldn't call it useless to have her read here, but a miracle understanding did not happen.

I've mentioned it to my wife, and how much I've learned from the group, but I don't think she has ever checked it out. I even refer to the emotional/psychological condition I deal with every day as "ILIASM". As we all know, it messes with your mind, emotions, and relationships in ways "normal" people don't understand.

Ironically, "Living in a Sexless Marriage" is something we share. She certainly would be a qualified member of the group.

i told my H
numerous times about this group, site
how much i had learned..
how much i felt better knowing
i was not the only woman...
on and on...
he never bothered...
to my knowledge...
and if he did...
made no difference...
sad, but truth
joyinthejourney, clg

no... useless