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22 Years Of Loving But Not Being In Love...

22 years in a SM. Last time we made love was 9 months ago. We were going to bed the other night, she said the routine words... "Good Night, I Love You". Instead of the usual I re-joined " Yes but are you in love with me?" She was confused and didn't know the difference. My judgement is that she does not and never has felt passionate about me like I do about her. I feel rejected and lonely.
LightortheTrain LightortheTrain 41-45, M 4 Responses Dec 17, 2012

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LightortheTrain, is your wife open to reading books on acoa or will it open a can of worms for her?
Books on the subject includes:-
1) Struggle for Intimacy by Janet G Woititz
2) Adult Child of Alcoholics by Janet G Woititz
3) Perfect Daughters - Daughters of Alcoholics by Robert J Ackerman

Hopefully, when she read these books, she realised she has issues and it may prompt her to do something to help herself.

Thank you for the recommendations. She has been to numerous counselors, psychologists, and psychiatrists to deal with issues and her Bi-Polar. She has yet to show up authentically in the process and abandons them in turn. I keep trying but I struggle to stay fully engaged in the process.

I just want to give you a big hug!

Your gut feeling is probably right. Question here is what are you going to do about it?

Stay Strong & Good Luck

Thank you. I keep it in front of me rather than sack it away now. I no longer believe things are going to get better if only... (insert: she gets on the right medication / I approach the subject differently / rationalization #3...). I have three options as I see it: 1) Live with it and be careful things don't go sideways sexually, 2) Take a lover and be careful things don't go sideways emotionally, or 3) End the relationship and be authentic... Option 3 seems the only option that will work out long term but is the most difficult to come to terms with.

They are all difficult to deal with. From my own personal experience options one and two dont work.

I took on a mistress even left home for a while. Things blew up and i was painted the bad guy who had an affair to most of our friends.

If your wife wont truly change Number 3 is your best option.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

I hear you ... and I am sorry for your situation. Its even worse when they claim that they really do desire you, yet they make no effort to back up their words with action.

Precisely my situation. She sets the expectation early in the day but starts to lay the framework for her current excuse about 3 hours before bed. Or worse, we get started and something just "flips" and I get left high and dry.