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Sexless Marriage

My husband and I haven't had sex since 2005. I used to ask him for it and try to talk with him about it, but I stopped any mention of it a few years ago. I've completely stopped caring anymore. I'm exhausted. I feel like I have to be respnsible for everything we do together. He's a very kind and generous man, but I am so tired of feeling like I have to do it all. I always thought we'd have a child. Will probably will never happen now. I feel like we're polite strangers at home. I know he loves me, but he's just so childlike and incapable of accomplishing even the smallest things. He's a wonderful person and friend, but not a very good husband. He's terribly overweight. I can get past the weight issue, but he doesn't seem to understand how his neglecting this part of our marriage for so long has impacted how I feel about him. I feel bad because I know he can sense that my feelings for him are gone. I wish I could change that but don't think it's possible anymore.
Thagoodwife Thagoodwife 36-40, F 5 Responses Dec 18, 2012

Your Response


It may be too late to turn things around. But, there is one thing that you might consider. He may have lost confidence in himself, which is causing his lack of sexual interest. You mentioned he has gained a lot of weight. So, he may not feel attractive to you anymore. He is probably playing childlike games as a way to cover up his fear of intimacy at this point.

At this point, you guys may be past the point of no return. But, if you love him, you could always give it one last shot and force him to discuss the issue (maybe with a counselor).

My ex-wife of 17 years once commented that "all I wanted was sex". I was so put off by the comment that I stopped initiating sex for the last 10 or so years of my marriage. It became a once a year thing at most.

I have been remarried for 2 years and our sex life is fantastic, because we are open and communicate about everything. We both feel completely comfortable with each other. This is the exact opposite of my previous marriage, where my ex did not want to discuss anything that was difficult from day one.

FWIW, I did confront my Ex before I finally left her. She did not take me seriously though.

Good luck. Once you feel you have given your current marriage your best shot, leaving will come much easier I think.

I think you're right. Glad your new marriage is a happy one. Thanks for understanding.

<p>You both are worthy of long term, intimate love.<br />
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<p>You have no intimacy within the context of your marriage. Someone is going to have to make that first move towards getting off top dead center, out of stasis, and onto something more fulfilling. Since you describe your husband as "childlike and incapable of accomplishing even the smallest things" that someone is going to have to be you.<br />
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<p>You have a platonic relationship encapsulated in a legal marriage. If you find this situation unsatisfactory, and if you are on this forum you more than likely do, then action will have to be taken.<br />
<br />
<p>That you two are polite strangers with no children then dissolving the legal part (while maintaining the friendship part) will be less complex. A bit of goodwill can go a long way in these situations, and it appears that you two do share that.<br />
<p>Make a plan and move forward.</P>

I know, you're right. Unfortunately I've come to the conclusion that dissolving my marriage (with children or not) would be much easier said than done, but I appreciate the honest and insightful comments.

Note I did not say it was going to be easier, only less complex. Leaving the marriage is the most difficult path to take.

Its one thing to be a friend, its another to sacrifice your soul. If he is your FRIEND, he should in deep kindness see that your lives as husband and wife are a failure, and he should set you free. If you value your husband as a friend, and he values you the same way, you could be the best of friends once you are set free. If it is friendship you appreciate, you are doing no good for that friendship by depriving yourself. You speak as if you do not have resentment now, but if you throw away your gifts of life, I imagine resentment will soon be a new companion. It seems like you are all ****** up in the "better or worse" thing. Its not about rejecting him when life turned sour, it is about you being unhappy with who he is. You deserve to be free. Have you ever asked him that question?

Fairness to him is not the issue at all. You are not being authentic. You are not standing up for yourself and what is right for you. At some level you are right, you should not hate him for the choices YOU make. I know what it is like NOT to stand up for ones self. I have had my journey. You are unhappy, plain and simple. Your unhappiness is not about neurosis or depression or confusion or loss. Your unhappiness is about NOT being authentic. You are NOT living the life you are meant to live. Nobody says you have to be cruel. I suppose you could get in an affair, figure out what real love feels like, and then know you have to leave him under those conditions. If you do love your husband, you owe him honesty. If he is not going to be the man he was assumed to be when you got married, he can at least be given the chance to come to terms with your feelings. Maybe losing you is going to be the best lesson has ever had in self respect. You sound like a kind and loving person, but you guilt is misplaced. I think that you need an EXCELLENT therapist to help you see clearly on what you need to do.

Without offspring, you are still quite young enough to leave this marriage and move ahead with your life. What holds you back?

Familiarity, friendship, caring about him, I suppose? Still trying to work through it all. Not sure what to do at this point, but ready to take some action.

Putting the ridiculous remarks from the hatedoctor aside,,,,,,

Since you do not have any children, the answer is quite easy.

Time to move on with your life.

If you haven't had sex since 2005, there is ZERO reason to bring children into this toxic relationship.

Say goodbye.

Thanks PTI. I appreciate the comment.