After The Affair

Just for a moment, I will add my thoughts. This feeling of being unfulfilled emotionally, physically, and any other way is not an exclusive of females. Many men are sharing the same feelings. Yes, many of them consider and participate in affairs. I felt I was not worthy of anyone, that no other woman would see me as attractive. After one short-lived relationship, my spirits were renewed. I knew I could be interesting to others. It was a sensational ego-booster. And, it gave me the confidence to spring back when she ended the marriage (for reasons of incompatibility, not infidelity). I believe that intimacy (not just sex) is a basic human need and without it, life is dismal.
-Paul

what i discoverd after i left my sm was that i thought for years i missed sex , what i am discovering is i missed the intimate connection that goes with it, the openness and the level of acceptance.

You experienced happiness on Tuesday. That is awesome, and good for you! You can bottle that happiness and carry it around, till the next time. Can you live compartmentally? You are still in the marriage because it means something other than the sex (or lack of!). For sex, look forward to your Tuesdays. If that makes you happy, you have it, for now. Do not waste your life waiting for happiness to come to you one fine day. In the long run, we all end up at the same point. How you spend your days is what matters.

First of all, your husband needs therapy. If I remembered correctly, you mentioned that when you first met him, you were in a dark place and he helped you/rescued you. Usually, men who saved 'damsels in distress' tend to be emotionally crippled and have issues of their own (eg abandonment issues which caused problems with intimacy).

Myself, I would rather leave than have an affair based on my own conscious but I could well understand your reasons. Just be careful that you don't get terribly hurt by all this. Also how do you feel if you untentionally really hurt an innocent person, your lover's partner (if he has one) because you are desperate to fulfill your needs for emotion/physical connection?

Just curious, how does this affair fits with your idea of spiritual enlightment? Surely to achieve spiritual enlightment, you need to be 'true to yourself' but you cant be true to yourself if you're deceiving your husband, right?

I am not a Buddhist, I grew up in a different religion altogether. But many years ago, I was going through peri-menopause and could not sleep. Someone gave me a book on Buddhist meditation and I practiced it for sometime. It helped me to sleep and it also sharpened my senses that I started to pick up / feel other people's negative emotions/vibes on two occassions.
One occasion, visting someone who was suffering from depression. She looked fine but as soon, as I entered her house, it hit me. This air of melancholy which I also felt when I was sitting next to her in the car.
Another occasion ,I visited a woman who turned out to be dysfunctional. By the time I reached home, I had a dull headache and was so tired, totally drained of energy. So I stopped meditation altogether because it was beginning to freak me out.

Good for you!

I don't regret my affair at all. It is in fact perhaps the best move I made. It showed me what an awfully desolate thing my marriage was and had me consider that I had no wish to spend my life settling for anything less than absolute happiness. Now I may never get that but I know that if I had stayed in the marriage I would definitely not get what I want. At least now I have a chance at find a reasonably compatible partner.

I actually now dread thinking about what exactly my life may have looked like if I had not found the courage to take that first step. I would most probably still be crying myself to sleep and thinking that there was something wrong with me.

Since I have often wondered about having an affair it's been extremely informative to read about your experience and learn from it. I feel so privileged that you shared so honestly with us. Thank you for your openness and honesty.

Don't let anyone judge you who hasn't walked a mile in your shoes.
As recently as 6 or 7 years ago, I would have condemned both cheating and divorce. Life and reality have a way of changing one's point of view.

Wow. Okay, my thoughts have been all over the place with all these opinions. But, yes, I have become more clear on it all. I don't feel as wishy-washy as I did. I hear the "warnings" etc, but after sitting with it for a bit -- well, I don't feel bad. I just don't. Not because I am trying to convince myself not to, but because I don't feel what is in my heart is evil or bad.



I believe our "karma" comes from more than interpretations of our actions. YOU might perceive MY action as "bad" but that doesn't make it so.

YOU perceiving MY action as "good" also doesn't make it so.



There is another force at play here -- it takes place in the heart. Deep in the heart. True intention lies there.



Two people can give a bum on the street $100. Are they both "being charitable"? Not necessarily so.



One person gives it because deep in his heart he looks down at the loser and he is in a position in which he is "supposed to" help others. He tells his friends about it. Writes an article -- Look what I did.



The other gives it quietly, with a TRUE intention from the heart "I hope this money blesses and saves you." But no one knows.



Who was REALLY giving? Not saying one is the right way to give and the other is the wrong way -- just saying --- there is that UNSEEN FORCE that drives our actions. And MY actions are driven by that -- others being happy or pleased or angry or hurt by my actions as a result of that unseen force, does not determine my karma. Make sense? Good!! ;)

I understand completely. I have also considered cheating, just to feel arms around me, being held and kissed, just physical intimate contact. I cannot bring myself to go down that road though. I sometimes wish my morals were not so high, that I did not beliebe so much in fidelity but since this is how I believe I cannot take this step. Just be very careful with what you do and who you do it with, your secrets can always catch up with you if you are not extremely careful. Do what you feel is best for you, as you are the only one who knows yourself the best. Good luck!

I can feel where you are coming from on this, and I'm a happily married woman who has never even considered an affair. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this...please stay strong for yourself. Even though I am thinking on a rational level that what you're doing is ultimately wrong, (and I swear by saying that I'm not judging), I can also completely understand your need to be loved and cherished and to be given all of those other intimate things from a man. If you can get out of your marriage, I suggest you run! You deserve a life of happiness, full of joy and love!!

I though about an affair with my ex husband, but I didn't want to cross my own moral boundaries no matter how low life he was. Instead, I divorced him. I really believe in karma, so ladies, even though I know how abused and unappreciated you feel, please be careful and be strong. In the end, you need to be able to respect yourself and who you are.

Now I am married to my best friend, and the most loving, loyal man. I thank God for him everyday, and I really believe that he is my reward for doing the right thing when I had every reason and every right to want an affair and I didn't.

I've been through it also, and the guilt. I ended up doing what others expected of me. Of course, I was the terrible person for allowing this to happen. I am trying to be what everyone else wants me to be. they seem to be happy now, but there is the void I feel daily. How much hurt can one person take. By giving my lover up, I lost who I felt was my best friend. and I sure miss what we had

When you taste "sweet", then "bitter" hits you strongly. Been there, done that.

Me
Keep your heart gaurded In the end I was left alone and hurt.
My children who once loved me more than anything now hate me
I lost everything and by great unfortune he was my best friend ,and now I lost even my best friend . I pray every day that this will pass but it has been so hard . I have not asked for a divorce . I confessed all to my husband because I could not live a lie and now ironically , I sit in limbo crushed hurt depressed and wondering why? And what did I do ?

Keep your heart gaurded In the end I was left alone and hurt.
My children who nice loved me more than anything now hate me
I lost everything and by great unfortune he was my best friend ,and now I lost even my best friend . I pray every day that this will pass but it has been so hard . I have not asked for a divorce . I confessed all to my husband because I could not live a lie and now ironically , I sit in limbo crushed hurt depressed and wondering why? And what did I do ?

Careful

Have fun and protect yourself & try not to get too wrapped up in expectations from an affair. I'm in an ongoing affair myself. Don't worry about what other people think. The reality is that people should be allowed to do what they want as long as they're consenting adults & not breaking any laws and as long as they're willing to accept the consequences of their behaviors. Although you can be loyal to your spouse (I was loyal and faithful for 20 years), forced monogamy is unnatural.

Are there kids involved in this? If so, you need to stop and work on or end your marriage. No more indecision. The kids have to come first. If not, I guess do what feels right. Good luck.

Wow. Lots of responses here. All I can say is - I did it and will likely do it again. Wrong - right -- heartless, cold, mean, selfish, whatever word people want to throw at me is okay. Truth is I once thought those things of "cheaters" as well. Am I just changing my opinion so I can live with myself? Perhaps. Who knows. Life is dammmmn messy. The noble thing would be to leave. I get it. I am not acting forth-rightly. I get that. I have to live with that. I am not planning on staying. I am not planning on having a never-ending affair. I am NOT even pretending to be in this marriage. The thing is -- he doesn't care. I HAVE told him I just want to go out and find a warm blooded man (as early as last week, infact). Did he think I was kidding? Cuz I didn't laugh! He is a cold statue with zero emotional intelligence. I hate saying that about him, because he does have "good" qualities as well. But those "good qualities" do not make a great husband. I have TRIED a billion and one things. I have read countless books. I have tried BEING the kind of WIFE who has the kind of husband who wants to have sex with her. I don't nag, I don't yell, I don't demean. I dressed sexy, I sprang surprise seductions on him. NONE of it worked! Now here we are, our lives totally freakin' entangled - friends, family (I love his mom, do you think I want to tell her we are over??), finances, debt, assets -- oh my god. "Just leave?" This isn't high school, we aren't "going steady." Maybe I am making it harder than it is because I don't want to make the hard choice and you are right.... because I DO care. I am NOT "heartless" -- the last time I tried to leave, he wouldn't let me!!!! Puppy dog face, guilt, shame, etc..........



Sorry.. okay, totally went off on a rant................damn.



Phew.



Okay.......



the thing is, my heart so totally goes out to people who live with someone alone. It sucks. It sucks BAAAD. He knows I have felt this way. We totally went through it all last winter -- ALL OF IT was on the table, but now it's like it never was. Did he forget that soon?? Yes. He obviously did or he obviously doesn't care. I live alone within this marriage -- with a teenage boy, really.



I just NEEDED a moment or two with a MAN. I don't know, maybe just to see if I still had what it took to be with a man, because I didn't know. Maybe I was the whole problem, you know? Maybe I am just such a dolt, I don't deserve what I think I desire. But, I do deserve it and I am capable of being that woman with that man I desire. I AM her. I can't let her die again - that slow, depressing death into nothingness within the confines of this life in which I am currently trapped.

Of course cheating is wrong, and shouldn't be encouraged, but you cannot blame a person for doing it if they live in the SM hell. Living this life isn't easy, and when the opportunity to be with someone that desires you pops up, it's much easier to slip up. It's not like awake had a fight and jumped on the first guy she found. After years of living under this abuse, even the best of us will break. Here husband deserves no pity, it was after all, his decision to not be a husband that drover her away. Why does he deserve to be treated with dignity after years of demeaning her?

He, like all other refusers bully people into submission, they are the cruel and uncaring people, not those who need the emotional and physical contact that any normal person would desir. Had he not been a selfish *****, this story doesn't get written. Yes people are ultimately the ones who are accountable for their actions, but when you're standing on the edge with your SO telling you to jump, affairs will happen.

Divorce isn't always so easy either, depending on the circumstance, a person can't always just up and leave.

I am happy for you too! You got to connect with a person who helped you reconnect with your sensual side. This affair sounds like it is part of your path to heal. Enjoy!

Forget judgements. Affairs don't solve the problem.

It takes so much to leave a marriage in a mindful and proactive way. I hold zero judgements on you, my dear. I had a affair on my first husband. I walked that route. Leaving my ex this time, I abstained from the temptation because I wanted to heal what was drawing me into these harmful relationships and give myself to move forward in a new way.

Take some time for yourself. What is it that you really want? Can you really create that within the context of a sexless marriage and a affair? How do YOU feel about the deception? (And, again, this isn't a judgement, the reality is that one can feel pretty crumby when they are reduced to having to lie to get their needs met. I am NOT abdicating your spouse's role in creating this situation, but I am saying that it is up to you to act from a place of truth to yourself.)

My concern for you is that you solve your situation so that you can live fully and openly within the love you need and deserve. I have lived and watched other pretzel themselves into total craziness to avoid confronting the core of the problem. And, as hard as it is....it is simpler to just live your own truth, feel the fear, and accept the situation as it truly stands.

Good luck honey.

:( don't feel sad. Your a women, and you have needs. Try to work it out with your husband, im rooting for you two!

I always say, if you aint happy at home them move on, but it should be done respectfully and done before you move on to the next one. Hope the best for you.

The way you feel is only natural. When one is in this type of hell, the flickers of the flame are low. When they are ignited even once, it sheds light on all around. And gives one hopes for what can be. It is the beginning of your way out. Do you see that? Feel it? Cause an itch once scratched, can grow bigger. Use this feeling to propel you to action, girl. I am out after 30 years. And I have never been happier in my entire life than now. The divorce is in full swing. He said he blames me for this divorce. And I told him even today, that if he had loved me cause he does not, that we would not be divorcing now. He cannot take any responsibility even now...He never will. Good luck. Hope you realize that time cannot be reclaimed. And that you deserve to LIVE and be happy and be loved too. Your choice. Always yours.

Oh Honey, I know. I really know. My mistake was thinking that affairs are a short-lived thing. Unless you deliberately end it, it will likely go on. But try to enjoy it for the affection and sex it provides you. Hugs.

Very thoughtful. Thank you for sharing so honestly. How well things feel next week?

awake, enjoy the positive -- focus on the positive. be realistic; seems as though you're doing an excellent job at that. remember to take care of you. be smart and be careful. and as others have mentioned prep an exit plan--best to be prepared.

allow yourself to feel those emotions but try not to let them overwhelm you.

worth repeating: focus on the positive, and take care of you.

xo

If there are holier than thou's that poke their heads up...just remind them that they should walk a mile in your shoes...and ask how many skeletons may fall out of their holy closet?...
.. I'm not condoning anything...just pointing out the obvious. I have learned the hard way to not judge others. ...My best friend has recently expressed the same feelings you have, after her affair, she will say, "I hate to go home every day to that house....I hate it there." Yet, she has been there, with her husband, for nearly 30 years. Regardless of her talking to him, he chooses not to see how she feels.

Good luck to you... we all have our own path to follow.

Awake, whatever this new connection brings to your life, it changes how you look at things. For me, enjoying physical pleasure with someone new made me realize that my love for my H was truly dead. I never could have cheated and enjoyed it if I still loved him. Somewhere along the way, our spouses finally push us away far enough that we can't find our way back.

Enjoy re-discovering this part of you, but don't lose focus on your ultimate goals!