I saw these comments left on another story and was curious to get group feedback... What does this person sound like?

"I think I know the background here in a general way...Just being the devil's advocate...I also live in a sexless marriage and have worn the blame for a VERY long time. Yes, I am the one that avoids it. Doing 'things' is very nice for the family and for the wife...but (just asking) do you ever do anything to make her feel very special...not useful but special. From the years of research and therapy I have learned that women really need you to make love to their mind first...and not just for a day or before you want sex...It should be a constant thing. Don't ever assume that someone doesn't want to be touched just because they don't respond to one way of touching. Try another way. Has she given you hints as to what she wants, or even told you about things that she wants? Have you listened? A lot of time we get caught up in our own worry and misery that we don't realize that by listening to the other person you could have the answer. Question: what has your therapist said about the issue?"


"I am on the other side...yet have the same feeling of always working on myself. It is hard to really get a feel on these boards for what you are going through. I just know there is always another side...even if hers is trapped deep, deep within her:( I am sorry you go through this pain...and yes a person wants sex...from someone that makes them feel very special (I want this)...I think I am learning that this is one of my sorry for advizing through my own issue... oh and I do believe that life (not just mariage) is a constant process of fixing ourselves...looking for the end is just setting ourselves up for failure...striving to be is a process:) Sorry...little off topic but seemed to fit:)"

Just curious....
Usernametbd Usernametbd
36-40, M
2 Responses Dec 19, 2012

Cliff notes: "I like to sound caring and understanding while I tell you that the refusal is your fault." Reminds me of my STBX

if you are avoiding sex with your spouse because you do not feel attracted to them, for whatever reason, you need to be COMMUNICATIVE about your issues, rather than withholding sex. And if you are in that bad of a marriage, why not end it rather than put everyone through hell? WTF is wrong with you that you think you should remain married to someone you don't want to have sex with???

Agree 100%... Communicate! And don't martyr yourself to make it difficult for everyone!