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How Life Changes

Firstly - I have been living in a sexless marriage for a while. It turns out that it probably wasn't all my wife's fault and that there were deeper issues for me, too.

Secondly - I haven't had sex with anybody else, yet.

BUT: Since I cannot share this feeling with anybody I know, I thought I'd share it with a bunch of people I don't know.

My wife and I decided to separate a few weeks ago. Its been tearing me up (kids involved) but I know its probably the right thing. Sadly, I think we could resolve our issues, but only if that list of issues included our crappy, non-existant 'sex' life. I still find my wife extremely sexy and attractive.

However, I thought: well if life is going to go on for me as a single man, then I need to do something about it.

So, I got in touch with a girl I used to work with. I've always felt guilty talking to her because I've always known that she's the kind of girl I would of pursued as a single man. She responded positively and we exchanged a few pleasant emails. Then I went too far - I haven't dated for a LOOONG time - and emailed her a load of stuff in my head that was just way too much too soon. She didn't respond for 5 days. I thought: You've blown it, but it was a start. Learn your lesson and move on.

But then she got in touch. She dealt with my lack of skill very well - without making me feel like a jerk. Just a continuation of our dialogue, but very definitely encouraging.

The reason I have bothered to write this down is because, right now, I feel like I've lost the keys to my Ferrari, but found a winning lottery ticket. After such a long time of feeling physically unwanted and unattractive, it has taken a matter of weeks and I feel like a teenage boy wondering which of the Lynx fragrances is most likely to drive a girl wild. (I will find my cool again - but right now, I don't give a ^&*£ing monkeys!)

It still may not be the right thing. It still might end in tears. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I am a very average 40 yr old who is not confident in ANY situation, let alone the dating game, and I have managed to feel alive again in an extremely short space of time, after such a long time of pain.

I feel smug. I feel guilty. I can't stop smiling. I feel..... maybe a little bit wanted!!!!!!!!!!!!
FrogInOz FrogInOz 41-45, M 3 Responses Dec 19, 2012

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You should be proud that you actually took the steps to make a change in your situation, that alone, shows a high degree of confidence. So, GO you, and don't waste time wallowing in guilt but try and assess your motivations clearly before you proceed further. Don't lie to the girl and don't lie to yourself. I wish I had your courage.

Thank you. I do feel proud, and I don't feel guilty. I have not been perfect, but I have behaved well enough. My courage comes from recognising that I have been a coward too long. Courage isn't something you have - its something you have in a critical moment. You will find your courage, but you need to have that moment, too. (And be ready, I guess). Thank you again, I value your comments and hear your advice.

Good that you are not scared of your own "irrational exuberance". But go safe and go slow. Regrets are irreversible.

Its a funny thing for me to learn - maybe because I'm British - but the second I stopped being scared of my own feelings I immediately welcomed them, and they became really ok.

But slow is something I am finding difficult. I'm starting to remember the bad side of being a teenager - waiting for the phone to ring, etc. I have a lot to sort out in my life still, and I need to do that over the next few weeks, so that will stop me mooning around like a lovesick puppy, and my hope is that I will be far cooler about this in the New Year.

If I screw this up, I don't think it will be a major regret. I think I will still be proud of myself for taking a risk. I'm not just outside my comfort zone - I'm in a place where I don't have any sort of map and I'm making it up as I go along. The real shock will be if I DON'T screw it up somehow!

Normal people like sex. That's why there are condom machines in most public toilets in bars, cafes, cinemas, railway stations, etc. You've been rejected in your marriage, probably for a number of years, and are very likely a bit irrational and very out of practice about this sort of thing (and... well... not that slick... [nor am I]). It is perfectly normal to show a sexual interest in someone - and they can respond with something like a 'red', 'amber' or 'green' light. And you should respect and pay attention to this. [My take, you've got an amber, proceed, but pay attention].

I think you are extremely accurate in your reading. But my euphoria is because I got anything but Red. I took a risk and it didn't blow up in my face. This isn't about success, its about avoiding a life of failure! Remember there is a middle ground - which is just "ok". Well, to me "ok" is AMAZING, right now.

In England, there are two 'positive' songs which are rolled out at every opportunity:
Yazz (etc) 'The only way is up' and D-Ream 'Things can only get better'. But for me, there is a Doors song 'Been Down So Long' - which I never understood or liked as a kid. Now I get it. This is how low I have sunk. Even "ok" looks like up to me. Even "Nothings gonna happen, but you are ok" looks like up to me.

But as noted - and as you warn - I will be cool and stop being a child soon. But not tonight. Tonight - YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, you're in that position (I was there not too long ago). Really, 'amber' and 'green' are actually pretty normal. When you've been rejected for a long time you get to thinking that you're undesirable and/or that sex is rare and only indulged in by a small subset of irresistible and ridiculously attractive people. That's simply not true. Be nice, honest, engaging and personable, say what you mean and what you want; most other people are in the same boat. Next stop - find someone to love.

Good luck.

Thank you! I love this view of the world. You are again right. I currently think that sex (and i'm not bothered about love right now - strangely enough, my wife and I love each other) is something that is practised only by gods and goddesses that wouldn't deign to look in my direction, and if they did i'd only be a disappointment anyway. I love thinking that actually the world is still the same normal world that I left some 20 years ago, and will enjoy getting back into.

Thanks. I will make all the good luck I can!