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Hopeless

Hello friends, I recently joined the working on my marriage group as well. However I think I may need to leave that group. I think I have almost reached my lowest point. I have lost almost all of the hope. Not one night goes by that we can even have a normal conversation. I think it's him, he thinks its me. If I cry he gets angry. If I try anything he gets angry. If I do nothing he gets angry. And as always there is never any intimacy. After a bad night last week I told him I wanted to talk, he had an anxiety attack and went off on me about all the usual excuses he doesn't want to have sex with me. Tht wasn't even going I really be the topic I was going to talk about. Anyways, I ended up staying up and writing him a letter that I thought was about as caring and understanding I coul be at this point. I requested he keep the letter so I can refer back to what I suggested for us to try for fixing the marriage at least as a beginning. And that hen he's ready he talk about it with me. Needless to say it has not been brought up. I think I am at the end of my rope. Unfortunately this comes at an uncertain time for me financially. I have never been able to count on him financially so I'm not quite sure why that matters to me. But it just adds another layer of terror. I think it is time to start a real plan to get out. Is there anyone able to chat right now? Jut calm me down so I can start rationally thinking things out?
Solonely80 Solonely80 31-35, F 6 Responses Dec 19, 2012

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It sounds like you may be co dependent.

Google CODA

When you said you keep falling back into the hope it reminds me of gambling...
I know what you mean.
It's like you have invested so much into the relationship over time, that you feel that a win is just around the corner. If i put in a bit more, i will get what i want,and i will not have wasted everything i already put in.

And omg I apologize for all the typos. Obviously typing on my iPhone in anger is not the best for spelling/grammar/making sense!

It took me 10 years to realize that my marriage could not be fixed if I was the only one working on it. I flat out asked him what he was willing to change and he said nothing. That one word gave me the courage to do what I knew I should have done for a long time. I filed for divorce two weeks ago and I feel like a weight has been lifted. It is super scary. I have been a SAHM for 6 years and don't have any income yet but I have not felt this happy in ages.

I felt ready once, but I backed down. In that tiny moment I felt much relief. Last yer dec 1 he left me, and I felt panic rather than relief. I begged him back. He promised we would have a sexual marriage. I promised to be nicer and less angry. The first reusal after that led me back to my anger and hurt. I am afraid I have wasted another year of our lives. I wish you luck. I commend you for being strong. I hope I can one day join you. Please keep me updated

I am the husband and recently came out of denial and realize that my NT wife sacrificed her youth and middle years to maintaining a marriage that will never meet her needs. I am sad but, frankly, because of my AS not much more than sad. I will not leave her but understand that she has grounds to leave me. Would she find someone late in life to give her 20 to 30 years of a real relationship. I suspect she could.

I hope you can find the strength and courage to make the changes you need to be happy!!! It sounds like he doesn't deserve another second of your time...

Thank you. I'm sure in my frustration I make him sound worse than he is and myself better than I am. But I am starting to see that refuser=abuser. Which led to us abusing each other.

A friend recently told me that you can't squeeze water out of a rock... Eventually we realize that we are tired of squeezing... Sorry for the cheesy analogy but it resonated with me.

From what I can see, he is entirely a burden to you, and has nothing he adds to your life....in fact, he detracts from it.

True. And I see this and keep falling back into the hope. What is wrong with me?

I'm going to give you words of wisdom from my therapist since we are both dealing with passive aggressive men. - The person who cares the least always has control. Think about a financial transaction. The person who is willing to walk away will always get the better deal. You have hope because you care about your marriage. He has control because he doesn't.

Definitely something to think on. I think he does care a little tho. If only to maintain the status quo and his macho image in front of his friends