I Live In a Sexless Marriage

Hopeless

By: Solonely80

Written on December 19th, 2012

Hello friends, I recently joined the working on my marriage group as well. However I think I may need to leave that group. I think I have almost reached my lowest point. I have lost almost all of the hope. Not one night goes by that we can even have a normal conversation. I think it's him, he thinks its me. If I cry he gets angry. If I try anything he gets angry. If I do nothing he gets angry. And as always there is never any intimacy. After a bad night last week I told him I wanted to talk, he had an anxiety attack and went off on me about all the usual excuses he doesn't want to have sex with me. Tht wasn't even going I really be the topic I was going to talk about. Anyways, I ended up staying up and writing him a letter that I thought was about as caring and understanding I coul be at this point. I requested he keep the letter so I can refer back to what I suggested for us to try for fixing the marriage at least as a beginning. And that hen he's ready he talk about it with me. Needless to say it has not been brought up. I think I am at the end of my rope. Unfortunately this comes at an uncertain time for me financially. I have never been able to count on him financially so I'm not quite sure why that matters to me. But it just adds another layer of terror. I think it is time to start a real plan to get out. Is there anyone able to chat right now? Jut calm me down so I can start rationally thinking things out?

By: Solonely80

Age: 31-35 , Female

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24 responses

YB01

It sounds like you may be co dependent.
Google CODA

Dec 21, 2012
1 like
happinesswinsxx

When you said you keep falling back into the hope it reminds me of gambling...
I know what you mean.
It's like you have invested so much into the relationship over time, that you feel that a win is just around the corner. If i put in a bit more, i will get what i want,and i will not have wasted everything i already put in.

Dec 20, 2012
1 like
Solonely80

And omg I apologize for all the typos. Obviously typing on my iPhone in anger is not the best for spelling/grammar/making sense!

Dec 20, 2012
1 like
Maleficent77

It took me 10 years to realize that my marriage could not be fixed if I was the only one working on it. I flat out asked him what he was willing to change and he said nothing. That one word gave me the courage to do what I knew I should have done for a long time. I filed for divorce two weeks ago and I feel like a weight has been lifted. It is super scary. I have been a SAHM for 6 years and don't have any income yet but I have not felt this happy in ages.

Dec 20, 2012
3 likes
- Solonely80
  I felt ready once, but I backed down. In that tiny moment I felt much relief. Last yer dec 1 he left me, and I felt panic rather than relief. I begged him back. He promised we would have a sexual marriage. I promised to be nicer and less angry. The first reusal after that led me back to my anger and hurt. I am afraid I have wasted another year of our lives. I wish you luck. I commend you for being strong. I hope I can one day join you. Please keep me updated
  
  Dec 20, 2012
  1 like
- Finn52
  I am the husband and recently came out of denial and realize that my NT wife sacrificed her youth and middle years to maintaining a marriage that will never meet her needs. I am sad but, frankly, because of my AS not much more than sad. I will not leave her but understand that she has grounds to leave me. Would she find someone late in life to give her 20 to 30 years of a real relationship. I suspect she could.
  
  Dec 21, 2012
  1 like
1LonelySoul

I hope you can find the strength and courage to make the changes you need to be happy!!! It sounds like he doesn't deserve another second of your time...

Dec 20, 2012
2 likes
- Solonely80
  Thank you. I'm sure in my frustration I make him sound worse than he is and myself better than I am. But I am starting to see that refuser=abuser. Which led to us abusing each other.
  
  Dec 20, 2012
  1 like
- 1LonelySoul
  A friend recently told me that you can't squeeze water out of a rock... Eventually we realize that we are tired of squeezing... Sorry for the cheesy analogy but it resonated with me.
  
  Dec 20, 2012
  1 like
hylierandom

From what I can see, he is entirely a burden to you, and has nothing he adds to your life....in fact, he detracts from it.

Dec 19, 2012
3 likes
- Solonely80
  True. And I see this and keep falling back into the hope. What is wrong with me?
  
  Dec 20, 2012
  1 like
- Maleficent77
  I'm going to give you words of wisdom from my therapist since we are both dealing with passive aggressive men. - The person who cares the least always has control. Think about a financial transaction. The person who is willing to walk away will always get the better deal. You have hope because you care about your marriage. He has control because he doesn't.
  
  Dec 20, 2012
  1 like
- Solonely80
  Definitely something to think on. I think he does care a little tho. If only to maintain the status quo and his macho image in front of his friends
  
  Dec 20, 2012
  1 like
GibbySan

He sounds like a narcissistic/passive aggressive/control freak.
The anger is meant to control you.
Making your beloved dogs live outside is meant to control you.
This for sure (from another one of your stories) is meant to control you:
"And he reacts with anger and annoyance if I try to pleasure myself"
Yes, you need to get out. Stop trying to "fix" the marriage. He has psychological issues that aren't "fixable".

Dec 19, 2012
1 like
- Solonely80
  I saw the broken coke machine therapy video. So appropriate and yet makes me feel like such an idiot
  
  Dec 19, 2012
  1 like
- GibbySan
  Hey, it took me 21+ years to figure out the Coke machine is empty. I know I'm not dumb, and neither are you.
  
  Dec 19, 2012
  1 like
- Solonely80
  And you got out?
  
  Dec 19, 2012
  1 like
- GibbySan
  Working on it. My husband is nowhere near the abusive beast yours is.
  
  Dec 19, 2012
  1 like
- Solonely80
  It's so strange. I was this young strong and confident woman. He seemed like this nice arcing sensitive man. Something happened. Now neither of us is who we once were.
  
  Dec 19, 2012
  1 like
- Solonely80
  Nice, caring**
  
  Dec 19, 2012
  1 like
- GibbySan
  People with personality disorders are master manipulators who are good at presenting themselves as the person of your dreams.
  Then, once you are hooked, they begin to reveal who they truly are.
  
  Dec 19, 2012
  1 like
- Solonely80
  True. As soon as we were engaged things got weird. But they had seemed near perfect(usual fights, nothing crazy) for two years, so I thought the two years was our normal and the engagement year was different. But now 8.5 years later it keeps getting more f'd up.
  
  Dec 19, 2012
  1 like
- GibbySan
  And I hate to tell you, but this type of person only gets worse with age.
  Have you done any reading on personality disorders? It might be helpful for you to know what you are dealing with here.
  
  Dec 19, 2012
  1 like
- Solonely80
  I took two years of psychology in college.. He has small but strong indicators to many personality disorders, bipolar, anxiety, depression, schizophrenia, paranoia.. The list goes on
  
  Dec 19, 2012
  1 like
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