I Live In a Sexless Marriage

His Side

By: Awakeforthedance

Written on December 20th, 2012

I am feeling needy these days -- it's a weird holiday time in my family, what with the marriage thing, affair thing, everyone working and no one really able to get together till after the Holidays. So forgive me for posting so much. I have to roll with it - therapeutic.

A poster in my "After the Affair" thread is taking a stand for my husband. I know this poster is young and coming in without actual experience in a SM - I don't mind her rooting for my husband. I am sure he would be thankful.

The thing is -- I have gone through this whole marriage worried about HIS side. Trying to see things from HIS angle. Trying to reach HIM. Wondering what HE thinks of me, what HE needs, likes, doesn't like.

During our talk last winter, he got all pouty-faced, looked down and said with a shrug, "I am selfish, I care more about what people think of me than anything else." He admitted that was "high-schoolish" but doesn't make any attempt to change it.

Okay, so that is HIM tell me who HE is. For whatever reason, I put that on the backburner and moved back into the bedroom, giving this another shot. He proved he is who he says he is. He might not be "cheating" and I say "MIGHT NOT BE" for a reason --- but he is selfish in a million other ways.

He also admitted more than once to me that he is an expert liar. I have seen him lie in action. To his own mom. Thus the "might not be"........

So okay -- why stay. I am not staying. I am not. I just need to get STRONG to take that leap. To rip the bandaid. It will have to down just like that -- fast, furious, sudden.......... just be GONE. There is no more talking. We have been there, done that. I don't need the guilt trip ("I thought you would be in my life FOREVER" - "I can't imagine you not in my life"), I don't need the sad expressions. I know it's all meaningless.

When I leave - I will just LEAVE.

I am working up to it. I don't know any other way to do it at this time, though I am sure there may be more graceful exits.

Edited to add: Also, when I have thought he was thinking a certain way or feeling a certain way, it turned out I was 100% completely wrong. So -- I may think he will feel this or that when I leave, but the truth is, I have no clue how he will REALLY feel. He is selfish (said it himself). He may well just be pissed he has to start over......... "wasted years" and all that jive. I can't own those feelings. Besides, those feelings have nothing to do with "me" anyway -- and he said those things last year when I almost left.

Anyway -- I have my own life to protect and live. As others have said, I need to be done thinking about HIM.

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By: Awakeforthedance

Age: 36-40 , Female

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9 responses

theremustbeawayout

I *so* like the approach of ripping off the band-aid. When it's done, it's just done. I have never had a problem with just getting up and walking away if necessary.
But I can't figure out how to do that with a child, much less a child on the spectrum. I need to make a place first.
As for the commenter in question, this person is fixated on a value judgement of the endpoint. S/he has ignored the basic premise that no one on this board wants to be in the position of thinking about an affair in the first place.

Dec 20, 2012
4 likes
hl42

Well, I am fanatical about putting myself in my W's shoes, and understanding what she wants in her own terms. I expect the same conversely. I had decided what I wanted out of a good and growing marriage - one big item is: "we help each other get what we want, at high priority". Thing is, that's both worthwhile and hard to do because it requires us to enter into the other's world, alien as that sometimes is. And it's absolutely mutual, no exceptions.
The point of that though is that a) both have to do that and your H has not!!! b) the commentator you refer to is not looking with that flexibility of perception that would allow real connection (even if you then decided it was best not to be married).
That poster is talking from yet another perception (her own) which is neither yours nor your H's, and what's more is ill-informed about your own situation as well as - it seems - life.
To the extent that she's triggered your thoughts to refine your own perceptions, that's valuable - perhaps like the bit of grit triggering the oyster to produce the pearl.

Dec 20, 2012
3 likes
- Awakeforthedance
  Yes, funny how that happens -- there are so many opinions in that story -- I have felt my own convictions grow stronger and I not feeling as wishy-washy as I was on Tuesday. So, yes - grateful for that!!
  Yes - all this time I have been putting myself into his world - but he has failed to put himself into mine - except to say that he can see what his actions are doing to me. Yet, not being willing to change. There is just a deep void with him, it seems. He doesn't have a spark, fire, light -- something. No opinions, no desires, no wants or needs. I mean, when I asked him what he wanted from me, as a wife, he said, "Nothing, you are perfect." Perfect? REALLY?? That's not even cool. I want a man who WANTS something from me. He is a loner (again something he said himself) so he doesn't want anything from me because he does't need me (or anyone?). He is "used to" me - so that will make him mad, but it's not ME he wants.
  Anyway -- yes. Thanks for you thoughts.
  
  Dec 20, 2012
  1 like
- hl42
  Perfection??? I would have headbutted him at that point! One of the important things I was able to do was to shift W's idealised perception of me (she had mentally categorised me with her Dad, and you don't fvck your dad!) - to something more real, imperfections, warts and differences. And actually, that's a lot more interesting and exciting than a infantile view of perfection. As David Schnarch say, "seek to be known rather than validated". You're not a china doll.
  
  Dec 20, 2012
  1 like
- Awakeforthedance
  Exactly. On all points. I just didn't what to say or do at that point - and now, I don't know if I WANT to be real with him. I want to be real with a real man, I see him as a little boy, to be honest. I think he and I are just past all "fixing".... I really learned a lot, though.
  
  Dec 20, 2012
  1 like
- Awakeforthedance
  I mean - I HAVE been real with him - very blunt. Very open and honest. I am about sexuality anyway. But he just -- I don't know -- there's a void. That's the only way I can explain it.
  
  Dec 20, 2012
  1 like
- redwaterlady
  Well, at least we can all admit here to having learned A LOT! I know that once I stride forward in my life, I will be stronger, and more wonderfully vulnerable than I have ever been before.
  ps I am also, always, and forever, puurrrfect. gag.
  
  Dec 20, 2012
  1 like
2 More Replies
ModLulu

And this is what that young commenter does not know or understand - the many talks you tried having with him, his many admissions of him being selfish. What has HE done about it? What uncomfortable work has he done to honor YOU in the marriage? Apparently, he hasn't done done too f-ing much. He just shrugs and says, "well, I am selfish". Pretty weak.

Dec 20, 2012
4 likes
zsuzsilowinger

Sending you the strength to do what you must do. *hugs*

Dec 20, 2012
2 likes

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