His SideI am feeling needy these days -- it's a weird holiday time in my family, what with the marriage thing, affair thing, everyone working and no one really able to get together till after the Holidays. So forgive me for posting so much. I have to roll with it - therapeutic.
A poster in my "After the Affair" thread is taking a stand for my husband. I know this poster is young and coming in without actual experience in a SM - I don't mind her rooting for my husband. I am sure he would be thankful.
The thing is -- I have gone through this whole marriage worried about HIS side. Trying to see things from HIS angle. Trying to reach HIM. Wondering what HE thinks of me, what HE needs, likes, doesn't like.
During our talk last winter, he got all pouty-faced, looked down and said with a shrug, "I am selfish, I care more about what people think of me than anything else." He admitted that was "high-schoolish" but doesn't make any attempt to change it.
Okay, so that is HIM tell me who HE is. For whatever reason, I put that on the backburner and moved back into the bedroom, giving this another shot. He proved he is who he says he is. He might not be "cheating" and I say "MIGHT NOT BE" for a reason --- but he is selfish in a million other ways.
He also admitted more than once to me that he is an expert liar. I have seen him lie in action. To his own mom. Thus the "might not be"........
So okay -- why stay. I am not staying. I am not. I just need to get STRONG to take that leap. To rip the bandaid. It will have to down just like that -- fast, furious, sudden.......... just be GONE. There is no more talking. We have been there, done that. I don't need the guilt trip ("I thought you would be in my life FOREVER" - "I can't imagine you not in my life"), I don't need the sad ex
When I leave - I will just LEAVE.
I am working up to it. I don't know any other way to do it at this time, though I am sure there may be more graceful exits.
Edited to add: Also, when I have thought he was thinking a certain way or feeling a certain way, it turned out I was 100% completely wrong. So -- I may think he will feel this or that when I leave, but the truth is, I have no clue how he will REALLY feel. He is selfish (said it himself). He may well just be pissed he has to start over......... "wasted years" and all that jive. I can't own those feelings. Besides, those feelings have nothing to do with "me" anyway -- and he said those things last year when I almost left.
Anyway -- I have my own life to protect and live. As others have said, I need to be done thinking about HIM.