Every Step Is Painful

It sounds to me as if he has a really fragile ego and lacking in confidence. It is an ever-present dilemma for all of us, but for some it truly becomes debilitating and they can be acutely aware of it, yet not be able to move beyond it.

Personally, accepting criticism from others is something that I find essential to me, in terms of personal growth, without feeling disproportionally anxious or depressed about it. It should absolutely be possible to accept that criticism is valid without feeling that you are a failure. It's like the old adage, to err is to be human, but you can only avoid making errors by doing nothing.

I would also dare to say that it is also nicer if the criticism that comes your way is put to you in a proportionate, tactful, diplomatic way. I really believe that it is amazing what you can get away with saying to someone else just because of the way you say it. I believe it is possible to have a dispute without there being a 'winner' and a 'loser'. However, our instinct so often is to be emphatic, abusive even and in that case although we may win a battle, we all lose in the war. When someone poses a point of view that explicitly or implicitly says I am right, completely right and there is no margin for debate or alternative views then I simply think "**** you!" and want to spray them with the human equivalent of an insecticide. It's simply a natural defence mechanism and it is very difficult and maybe unreasonable to expect anyone to discard or dismiss it.

I guess you were looking for muscovado rather than demerara? Would he still have pouted if you had said that was what you were looking for but as you has just said "brown sugar" that it was understandable. Why not just go back and get the right stuff instead of sulking about an issue being made of it? I would have just have said, "Do you want me to go back and get the alternative?". That way the impetus for the nature of the next response would have been yours. There can be a bit of a 'game' involved in our exchanges with others, it's knowing where the essential balance lies.

I have this HUGE block to doing the WRONG THING. HUGE.

I have had the same issue for years. It can be paralyzing. Therapist said it was from my parents overreacting to small mishaps (spilling milk for instance) that all children have.

At some point you just have to take the risk of doing something wrong so you can do something right. Or anything at all. Yep you have to accept the fact you may do it wrong yet still do it. Not easy. But you must. And if you do indeed do something wrong you have to accept yourself as an imperfect person. Self acceptance can be very difficult. Helps if you see yourself as a work in progress. And believe that mistakes can be over come.

I am speculating here Ms Z. Take it or leave it.

I think at some level, you are deathly afraid of the drones re-action when the blade eventually does drop. That he will fight you for the kids. That he will roadblock you if you try and move them out of the jurisdiction. That he will be try all sorts of skullduggery financially. That he will do his level best to besmirch your reputation. In short, that he will act like a total ****.

And THAT, is why you are reticent to drop the hammer on him. You fear this benign, passive agressive, victim of circumstances, but essentially inert drone, will emerge in his true colours when this gets to the pointy end of proceedings.

Tread your own path.

zsuzsi, i feel your pain at the thought of causing distress and/or pain to your STBX. unfortunately it HAS to happen. this is vital to your survival.

focusing on one point in your post: you mentioned he might not "let" you "have" the kids. my immediate reaction to that was an incredulous WTF????

honey, alls i can say is he's got plenty o problems and what your fear about this says to me is that you are still suffering from altered perception of reality due to the effed-up-ness of living in a SM. you need to reprogram yourself chop chop quick. the STBX has menta problems, is a hoarder, doesn't (?) have steady gainful employment, and regardless of how much he may love the children there is absolutely ZERO doubt in my mind: those children belong with you.

you need to reach the same level of absolute certainty of your right and suitability for the role as custodial parent in your own mind. homework!!!!

xoxo

All of his stuff is not his stuff. Each item is a part of his emotional baggage that he doesn't know how to deal with. It's as if he has exploded all over the basement and you have to pick him up, cell by cell, with a tweezers. He has metastasized.

I went through a kind of similar situation. First, I had the moral support of a sibling, so it wasn't just me--it was "we" who took care of it. Second, we decided ahead of time that we could not be burdened with getting it right the first time. It was just too monumental. We could never get it right. What we could do was focus on an intermediate step that preserved as much of the physical stuff as possible: storage in a PODS. We strategized ahead of time, planned out every step, set up a maximum time frame that allowed us to get the task done but not any time to think about it after it was planned. We have not had the backlash yet--it's coming. When the time comes, we have the practical balance sheet that trumps the emotional balance sheet. It hurts; we go over it every so often, and as events have been playing out, come to the same conclusion. At the end of each of these re=accountings, we must conclude that it didn't have to be this way. But the other person's choices necessitated the choices we had to make.

I meant to comment on your previous story. I think there is an EP group for hoarders' spouses here. I think maybe you should join it. To expect him to be able to clean the basement up is expecting him to do something he simply isn't capable of. (Like my husband and sex!) At least not without years of therapy. You don't have years. He is NOT going to clean it up. He can't. He's sick. (Not his physical sickness, mentally). I know it's not fair that this is one more thing for you to deal with and it won't be easy because it will cause him mental distress and possibly physical pain (psychosomatic but still real) for someone to go and clean it out for him. Sorry.

Observing my own behaviours, feelings, thoughts, etc. - we're all Pavlov's dogs. It's almost impossible to break the patterns we've become trained into. It's one of the reasons I want less and less to do with my ex, I can spot the dance now, and it disturbs me (and p1sses me off...).

Zsu, just picking at one small aspect of this ...
If he's well enough that he can buy stuff online, then he can SELL stuff online. Possibly at a profit. Now THAT would be something for him to look forward to.

Oh, Girl... I get you!!! Thanks for sharing this story, though I truly wish you weren't living it. You have made me see how I need to just GO - I can't do what you are doing - the long-drawn out goodbye. I know you have kids -- that's adding extra to your plate. But you are upset about rocking HIS world. Maybe just start switching your focus. We need to be DETERMINED to live OUR LIVES. We need to be zeroed in on OUR GOALS. DREAMS. What we WANT in life. THAT has to become more important than "upsetting" anyone. I support you!!!