Every Step Is PainfulSome background for the newbies: we're separated, 2 kids, we still share a house, he is on disability & I'm currently a student...I put my foot down that he needs to move his "hoard" out by Feb 1....see last story & any other story since January for background.
In my last story, I detailed how I had put my foot down that he needs to get his sh*t out of the ba
I have been searching myself to try to find the real reasons why I am not being more decisive. I don't know the full answer. I'm just going to throw some things out there and see what sticks; you guys are expert at figuring out when I'm just b&llsh*tting myself, and when something's real.
I have this HUGE block to doing the WRONG THING. HUGE. I am scaling that mountain, but every step is hard.
It seems like the first step - seriously separating, legally anyways - was monumental, and then we just sort of plateaued. He's being extra nice (I guess he's got what he wanted - no sex pressure anyways), helping "as much as he can" in his own way, not being such an a&&hole about stuff.
But every once in awhile - like today, I sent him for dark brown sugar, he came back with something that said "demerara sugar", i said "that's not brown sugar!". Well I got this super hutrt look, like "how dare you suggest I did anything wrong" that used to just make me so anxious and worried that I'd done something heinous to offend him. (I looked it up - demerara IS a type of brown sugar, just different taste/manufacturing process, in the end no big deal either way right?). These every once in awhile things make me realize I can never trust him, ever, when I have something I need checked, or that I disagree with him on.
Not that the sugar incident - minor as it is - is a marriage breaker. No, it's more the instant guilt and other awful feelings he's able to instill in me when I "step over his lines". "Making him feel unable" is a huge one. He could never own that he might have bought the wrong thing. It would end his little world.
So whiel we have kids here, and he is being liveable, I dread what I might have to do - I am in fear of upsetting his little world. Why? WTF is wrong with me?
At every turn he derails plans for a better life, if they interfere with "his zone". Me gettign a good job or other opportunity, for him or me, he sabotages one way or the other.
I think maybe I'm being a little superstitious - if I lay low and don't cause a scene maybe the ba
Maybe it's superstitious like this - if I insist on cleaning the ba
He came in here the other night and was really down and asked for a hug. I gave him one. He tried (again) to explain to me why it's important to him that he be able to buy crap from China online every day - "I need something to look forward to" - sigh.... I said 'everyone needs something to look forward to, I don't begrudge you that, I bought chocolate almonds today for that reason... just, can you not see you need to get rid of stuff? You know we need to clean this stuff out, so we can get a good price, for the kids' sake? I know this has been a fight between you & I for a long time, but now it's not about that, please understand..."
He started in with "my failure as a husband is something I regret so much (tears), I always wanted to be the best husband, I tried my best, i never wanted to hurt you"...
I said "I never wanted to hurt you either but here we are... it's not about that anymore. We can bring all this stuff up, but it just makes you sick when we do, I'd love to discuss it all but don't want you to be sick"
At the time these things happen, I'm always the GIVING one - "you're ok, you did ok, here's a hug", looking at it rationally, it's all about his fear of having been a failure, rather than wanting to fix or learning from it, he wants to be reassured.
How old is this man I married? Honestly my 8 year old has more relationship sense... I think maybe he's just missing something upstairs...
Either way, why do I feel like the world will end if I force his stuff to be removed? Why after 10 years am I even waiting for the inevitable Feb 1 debacle/failure?
I feel if I push it, maybe he won't let me take the kids... or something else... I have so little fight left.
I need someone in MY corner.
Rambling today, thanks if you go thtis far.
zsuzsilowinger 36-40, F 8 Responses 3 Dec 20, 2012