How The Intimacy And Lack Of Affection Slips Up On You! But Rediscovered Each Other.

I too have lived in a sexless unaffectionate marriage for almost 7 of the 24 years me and my wife have been married. It came to a head a year ago in November of 2011. We have three children and I chose to stay in the marriage for their sake. My wife and I used to have a very active sexlife, but after the first child came along, we had a little less time as she was tired dealing with the baby. then as this child got a little older it picked back up a little but not to the original pace. Then we had the second child this was a hard pregnancy for her and then this child was not a good sleeper at night for the first 3 years. Now we really didn't get time, actually, I was ready at any given time, but she was just never in the mood for any romance, affection or sex. Then what little we had, she gave begrudgingly like it was a chore, or something she had to do. By now she is always crabby, cranky and complaining about every little thing in our lives and no matter how much I tried to assist it was never enough. Then she decided to try for our last child, and had sex regularly till she got pregnant which was immediatly, and we had a boy as the other two were girls. But she also became obsessive compulsive about perfection in all aspects of our lives and about home cleanliness and germs. She washed her hands at least 50 times or more a day, mopped the floor sometimes two three times a day. Now she began to think of the act of sex as dirty and germy. As we were down to maybe once every 60 to 90 days, and she would go and scrub herself afterward. I am a very clean guy, and little to no body hair being Native American half.
After seven years of feeling lost lonely in my own house, I found a group on the internet with lonely wives and started a cyber friendship with a woman also in a sexless marriage. However, it lead to more than cyber when we met. She was my first extramarital affair. But like all things eventually hints show up that the spouse pick up on!!
The missed calls from a mysterious number, or the text that came in while the phone is not in your pocket, even though they were neutral texts, as well as I have a business that requires a lot of texting, calls etc. But the one that came in saying how the mistress loved me was the one that blew the cover. This was in November of 2011. My wife hit the ceiling, and I came clean on the group of married people with out affection. It was on Thanksgiving night of that year when she found the text, and she literally fell into my arms crying and apologizing for not being a wife to me causing me to stray from my vows. That night we talked for hours after the children went to sleep, then we had sex multiple times, like it was our first time. I promised to stop the affair and kept to my guns with preasure from the mistress who was also patching things up on her end.
We then consulted a marriage/ psychiatrist counsellor. for the obsessive compulsive disorder and the marriage. Then we planned a cruise in January of 2012 without the children and rediscovered each other with the best sex we ever had, like we were reborn! Now we average sex at least twice a week, and the intimacy is much better, as too the children are much older now and self sufficiant. Maybe, children wreck marriages with the chores and responsibilities etc?
I think it was the shock and realization that my wife had that she was loosing her Husband that jolted her to seek action and help. As before this revelation she refused to seek any help whatsoever, if it was a pride thing or what, we will never know! All I know is during our darkest times, she refused all attempts by me to seek marriage help, and always put the blame on me that I was the one with the problems.
But now we are back together and hopefully for the rest of our lives.
heartbeatjay1 heartbeatjay1
46-50, M
9 Responses Dec 20, 2012

I am so glad for you both - Both of you have to be in the right place at the right time - Crazyabby

I replied already, mentioning how my wife has always found it hard to express her feelings. since then I have searched other forums, one about submissive wives ( she had introduced me to this some years ago) and that led me to one called 'I like to be seduced" The question I had for submissive wives came from our discovery that my wife liked that in the bedroom. For a while that led to a better sex life for us but it fizzled out too. Boy was I frustrated. But I have begun to remember little hints she made about how she was turned on by my confidence, in other words, I was occasionally actually looking like her image of a sexy man. I have always been a caring, gentle, considerate man, but I also was never self-confident-in fact, I am ashamed to say it but I caused her to try and build my confidence, assure me etc. I also grew up in a time when women wanted nothing short of equality. I still believe in that socially, politically but I have had to come to terms with the common phenomenon of very independent women needing to be more submissive in their sexual lives. I have no problem here. I find it fascinating and exciting that we all have these contradictory sides to our personalities. But, I have failed her need to be with a strong partner and now I find myself in a forum on sexless marriages! I all happens so silently sneaking up on us! But, thanks to these forums I am finding a real way forward. I don't want to leave out the 'I like to be seduced' forum because I realized that I, in fact, had never, in 39 years of marriage, learned to seduce my wife. Again, we grew up in a time when we believed if we just 'let it happen' as opposed to the repression of the past, it would somehow magically happen. Not! I still wonder how women like a man to take it to the final move, 'Let's go upstairs (or wherever) and make love. I ask because I have tried all the intimate things like complimenting her, kissing her neck ( she loves that) fondling her while we do the dishes ( see I really am liberated). These casual displays of love come naturally to me but I have a strong feeling that I just haven't made the big suggestion/command and thus went back to looking weak and unsexy. So I am going to look at all the ways I have unnecessarily leaned on my wife, learn more about seduction and train myself to put on a more confident air when I am with her sort of 'fake it til you make it'. I have wondered, at times, how we do our mates a disservice sometimes when we drop the pleasant confident front we give to the world, dumping all our fears, tiredness, frustrations etc under the belief that we have a right to 'be ourselves' around them.I, again, want to thank everyone here. My insights are happening faster because of all the honest postings i have read here. i hope we all find what we need

Awesome. I am happy for you both. Sometimes the means can't be questioned if it delivers the desired end. Best Wishes!!

And she got over the ocd - just like that.

Tread your own path.

Sorry to be skeptical, but I would not rush to call it success either...

Oh how wonderful for you! Yay ! Another success story.

Congratulations to you both....
When you have kids you do end up spreading yourself pretty thin and you do let your relationship slip.( you assume that it will take care of itself.)
Like your wife, i too didn't take on board , how bad my husband was suffering until he had a meltdown and said he was thinking of moving out ( out of town for a new job ) and wasn't sure he could stand the situation any longer.
It was not getting through to me that i needed to wake up and find myself again.
Regardless of how much he was suffering, i was lost in my own suffering.
I didn't see that it was me who was missing out because of my own behaviour. Now i regret having missed out on all the wonderful moments we could have had together , and i don't mean just sex . Even the conversations and laughs that we didn't have ,are things that we shouldn't have missed.
I was mad at myself , but ended up taking it out on him by forgetting to nurture our relationship. I was in fact punishing myself .
When you marry and have kids , it's like you take on more and more jobs.If these jobs where actual jobs you couldn't get away with doing some of them well , and sleeping while on the other. We would be warned , then finally sacked if we did.
I don't say any of this because i feel sorry for what my husband went through ( i am, of course ) but i feel sorry or myself. The reason i say this is ....I don't think i could truely change ( and i certainly have ....I now nag him ) unless i could see that i would benefit from changing..My husband infact did me a favour, by doing himself a favour.
Good communication is the key to finding your way back from a sexless marriage.

Somehow this sounds like my wife. I am trying to understand what I can do but she has never been open with her feelings. When I have mentioned my need for intimacy, she usually becomes defensive or cries but then we go back to business as usual, and usual is sex every 60 to 90 days as well as the fact that she never touches me intimately. to add to the confusion, I know she loves me, we've spent our lives together, and it would kill her if I left her. I hesitated to just add my story of another guy in a sexless marriage, but I've really wondered what is going on from the woman's side. We are older so menopause has exacerbated the problem but it was always there. We don't have kids so most people would think 'what's the problem'. She also loves the sex when we have it and I am a very attentive lover. I guess my question is, could your husband have reached you on such a personal issue without the 'meltdown' or the 'I'm leaving you for someone else' scenario? I have brought this up many times and it hurts me to see her hate herself like she does then ( she is normally a positive, successful, outgoing woman) and we are best friends. I am so happy to read these access stories but it is hard to try again to open this can of worms. I feel like I'm nagging her, like it ought to be obvious and come more naturally if she wanted me at all. I know this is not the way to go at it, just the way it feels.

Hi Beyondme, I think you and you wife sound very much like us.
Been together 26 years, married 20.We both love each other and always planned to grow old together ( half way there ! )
When you say that your wife loves sex with you when she's doing it ....I thought yes, that was me too.
I would begin , after my husband initiating, with no interest, but during and after i would think, I love this , why am i avoiding it ?
Yet it didn't switch me back on , to wanting it or initiating it.
I believe there is a piece of the puzzle missing, between your wife thinking about sex and you initiating.I don't think having kids is the only cause of losing your libido , it only makes it more likely and brings it on more suddenly.
Menopause can also make it worse , and i worry about what it might do to me in the next 10 years. I am determined to NOT let it change my enjoyment of sex and will be doing all that i can to manage that.
How can you reach your wife without the threats???
I think there needs to be some sort of INTERVENTION.
My husband shocked me into action. I then found my own way back.
A few visits with a Psychologist only told me what i already new, i had already been doing my own research on sex, libido, marriage and biology.All the reading i did made me realise what i was doing to my husband and myself.I very quickly found myself again.
It's a case of stepping back and looking at what the marriage has become, seeing what it should be, and knowing what will happen if nothing changes.
Outside pressures on people can effect their libido , and stress is a major one.
My husband ended up so stressed that he even began refusing me. So we both see it from each others sides too.
Open communication has made it much better to deal with this issue , and things are great now.
Being able to understand how your spouse feels and why they behave like they do is what allows you to discuss the issue with less anger, and blame.
I would have prefered to get my wake up call without the meltdown , the pain it caused was the worst i have ever felt. ( worse than losing my Mum to cancer, 3 years prior )I don't think my husband explained himself well enough to me before that, or maybe didn't use the right words.Had he discussed the issue outside of the bedroom instead of in it , i would have woken up sooner.
But, our communication had stopped in many ways ,due to the distance that had existed between us.
Keep talking to your wife , keep doing your homework , and help her realise what SHE is missing out on.If she is not happy with herself...she doesn't see what she needs to see.
Good luck . Contact me if you like.

"She washed her hands at least 50 times or more a day, mopped the floor sometimes two three times a day. Now she began to think of the act of sex as dirty and germy."

It is only germy if one of the partner has STD... It seems to me you do not realise how serious her condition is... Her logic is drastically damaged... She probably needs regular and long psychiatric treatment, but you only mentioned casually about one, like it was related to some very minor insignificant condition....

So if you didn't have the affair, she would have continued to refuse. I would have been pissed that she drove me to that.

As someone else once said to me, Hammer, Nail, Right on the head!

Great story.
It gives me hope and reason to believe something may change. Interesting the "affair" had a positive effect on the relationship. so many others report things quite differently. I am happy things have worked out for the two of you.