Drinking Tea And Crying In ItJust thought I'd post to take this off my mind before he gets home and so I won't be going out for a run/walk with tears blurring my vision. I almost got hit the other day because of that issue. The more I think about this the more it saddens me. I do so much to ensure that I am healthy and attractive "for him"...but am I just now putting out a vibe of "miserable sad pity-partying beeznotch" to *all* men, not just him?
I do myself up a bit, and take a look in the mirror, and while I may not be Beauty Queen of the Century, I know I'm not exactly shoe scrapings from the horse paddock, either. However, I feel that way most times, as a direct result of his treatment. And it really took me a lot of years of soul searching to boost my self-esteem up and now that I have, I feel as if this ordeal is sapping that hard-earned treasure away from me. I'm trying not to let it, I know 'He' can't take what I don't willingly give up, but it's hard. It's hard to see yourself as worthy and (at least) good enough to be loved and wanted when the person you have married lives with you and walks past you in the buff daily with not so much as a pat on the bottom or a bit of innuendo...
Then it's the whole self-defeating internal monologue..."is it my abs? It's gotta be my abs. I'll work on those more. Is it my face? I'll try a new cream. Is it my tone of voice? I'll try and be sweeter. Is it my cooking? I'll try some new recipes. Is it my breath? Is it this? Is it that?" Then this is always a winner in my mind, gets the water works flowing every time: "Look at these people out and about. He obviously loves her so much. They look good together. Why can't he hold me like that? I bet they're really going to get it on later. Wish I was..."
My granny used to tell me all the time that crying is worthless. All it does is mess your face. I keep trying to see the silver lining but I can't, and I can't help but cry because sometimes I just feel helpless in this. If he was a complete ahole, I would probably leave at warp speed, but other than this issue he is a decent guy and friend. That's well and good, but I wish things were different and they're not. Oh well. Maybe this is my fate for killing 1,000 puppies in a previous lifetime.