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Drinking Tea And Crying In It

Just thought I'd post to take this off my mind before he gets home and so I won't be going out for a run/walk with tears blurring my vision. I almost got hit the other day because of that issue. The more I think about this the more it saddens me. I do so much to ensure that I am healthy and attractive "for him"...but am I just now putting out a vibe of "miserable sad pity-partying beeznotch" to *all* men, not just him?

I do myself up a bit, and take a look in the mirror, and while I may not be Beauty Queen of the Century, I know I'm not exactly shoe scrapings from the horse paddock, either. However, I feel that way most times, as a direct result of his treatment. And it really took me a lot of years of soul searching to boost my self-esteem up and now that I have, I feel as if this ordeal is sapping that hard-earned treasure away from me. I'm trying not to let it, I know 'He' can't take what I don't willingly give up, but it's hard. It's hard to see yourself as worthy and (at least) good enough to be loved and wanted when the person you have married lives with you and walks past you in the buff daily with not so much as a pat on the bottom or a bit of innuendo...

Then it's the whole self-defeating internal monologue..."is it my abs? It's gotta be my abs. I'll work on those more. Is it my face? I'll try a new cream. Is it my tone of voice? I'll try and be sweeter. Is it my cooking? I'll try some new recipes. Is it my breath? Is it this? Is it that?" Then this is always a winner in my mind, gets the water works flowing every time: "Look at these people out and about. He obviously loves her so much. They look good together. Why can't he hold me like that? I bet they're really going to get it on later. Wish I was..."

My granny used to tell me all the time that crying is worthless. All it does is mess your face. I keep trying to see the silver lining but I can't, and I can't help but cry because sometimes I just feel helpless in this. If he was a complete ahole, I would probably leave at warp speed, but other than this issue he is a decent guy and friend. That's well and good, but I wish things were different and they're not. Oh well. Maybe this is my fate for killing 1,000 puppies in a previous lifetime.
Earthwalker4 Earthwalker4 31-35, F 5 Responses Dec 20, 2012

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I wish you well. His present challenges should not become yours to the extent you question or devalue yourself. We are great.....we just need to believe it.

Just my take on lasting marriage.... (having been married to the same woman for 52 years, not without its bumpy roads, collisions and repairs along the way, but all the better for the journey chosen)

When we have a problem with our partners we will always look at ourselves and wonder if its something we are doing that is upsetting them... when it comes down to it... it can be but if there is no communication between the partners at a gut level....the chances of a reliable harmonious fix is reduced dramatically...so communicate to reduce problems...say how you are feeling and why without putting them down or accusing them of something which may only be in your own mind....

It is rarely to do with the other person..it is nearly always to do with self criticism and self judgement....drop these 2 things and your happiness will improve...start looking for little things your partner does that you can compliment them on....and say it...look for it every day and tell them...and they will not only soften toward you..they will begin to do the same for you...and the end result will be when the partner does something stupid you wont ball them out instead you will make allowances for it in a good natured way...and then you will both be facing in the same direction.. using 2 heads together to resolve problems as friends and mates instead of being at logger heads fighting against each other...


We all have a personal journey which we choose to include others or not.... so when we choose marriage it has been my experience that total honest communication with each other is paramount to inner peace and outer harmony..and the journey for both parties as co drivers then becomes an experience of learning how to achieve that harmoniously...

If you leave the vehicle (relationship) before the journey ends you got to start again whether its with a partner or not...for when you can learn to be happy with your personal journey within ( dropping self criticism judgement and expectation) it makes it easy to have a co driver even if they cant drive well....

If we appreciate and accept the road bumps along the way is what teaches us to become better drivers if we can tell each other just how bumpy the road is in a particular area and how you may need help in negotiating it...and asking your co driver to help negotiate it together so that you may both negotiate the same portion of road together facing the same direction at the same time using 2 heads to negotiate with instead of one against the other goes a long way to smoother driving and better road selection together.......

Key to the vehicle: When you accept responsibility for everything you feel without looking for blame somewhere else for how you feel only then do you have a chance of fixing it....

Key to a harmonious journey...communication at gut level...if you dont tell your co driver what your part of the vehicle is doing when its not feeling too good how are they going to understand why you have the door open and spewing on the road??

Key to happiness: Love the vehicle you are in... love the road and journey you are on....drop all criticism and judgement...

Key to all the above: Its only a decision...love is always the answer...

I can really dig what you are saying because I feel it in my own heart. I'm watching him open a few of the gifts (that I let him open hee hee) for Christmas and I like seeing him happy and I know he likes being shown love from me. Moments like thee really make me treasure your words and make me see that a bump in the road can be just that. No need to disassemble the entire car and sell it for scrap over a little bump in the road.

I tell you what though, I am not religious, but I have been coming closer with the spiritual aspects of life and "god" as of late. There's a reason for everything and a season.

With much gratitude, I thank you for your kind words to me. Thinking I'm on the right path.

Moments Like "these" not "thee" holy typos!

Good on you girl..:-) God is your spirit that lives your heart..when it glows it lights up the world around it....religion is a belief created by a need to control....you never need religion as you have a personal individual direct line to the source of all there is....you never even have to use your mobile for this communication when you think with your heart and feel with your head...

I feel for you...I am going through the same stuff.. Stay strong and at some point we all have to make a decision whether we want to live the rest of our life shedding tears, hoping things will change and always trying to change ourselves for the one who refuses to notice us a person.

And we just had another blow up about this today. I think I look approachable, but maybe I am deluding myself. I don't even know anymore. Maybe I just look sad and pathetic, who knows, I really don't make a habit of looking at myself and asking others how I look. But now I am starting to wonder if I am wearing my misery for the world to see. I have an aunt in a jacked up (physically and mentally abusive) marriage and she has been in it for 20+ years and you should see the perma-scowl on her face. It's epic sad. I try and smile a lot even when I don't want to because of her because I don't wanna look like that.

I want to say something and I'm not sure if it will come out right, so I'll say what is isn't first, to clarify.. - it isn't just 'pull yourself together'.

Felt a little like this in the last few years - wife's reaction to me physically has been either like I was contagious with something or else invisible. I felt pathetic that I was being ruled by her reactions to me, but you can't stop that affecting you after a while.

But then I had a revelation that I had to start to feel good about myself, irrespective of her. If she didn't want to respond to me (still hasn't that much, but here's hoping) that's her problem.
Even if things are not good between, us, I should feel good about myself. Why not?

So I hit the gym hard (ouch, but worth it), tried to do some really positive things around the house, took more care with my appearance, and not least, decided to have some fun once in a while.
I really wanted to include my wife in that - I'd say 'This will be a laugh, came along' but if she wasn't up for it, then OK, I'd just go with friends.
Result? I think for a while she thought that I was having an affair. Then she realized that I was just deciding to live a little and be more self-reliant in terms of self-respect. Her reaction has been reasonably positive, even though we are still not physical with each other yet.
Have to say that I've had a couple women make passes at me at different times in the last year (first time in ages) and although I wasn't looking for that and wasn't in the least interested in anything, it sure does make you feel good.

So don't pin your ego on one person, even if that person really should be the one who makes you feel good. Maybe if you start to respect and love yourself a little, your husband will see you in a new light and treat you with the affection and attention you deserve. If he doesn't then you'll at least feel better about yourself, and be in a better frame of mind to make the changes that you need to in your life .

So awesome. Thank you!

Decent men let their partners wallow in self doubt? A good friend allows you to remain unhappy...doesn't "check in" to see what's the matter?

Hmm...you're giving him way too much credit...and giving yourself scraps of credit where much is due.

Do you intend to live out the remainder of your life in this manner?

I really wonder if his health problems are the crux of his issues. He is 40 ish and has the testosterone level of a 90+ year old man and clinical depression. I totally get what you are saying and I have both spoken kindly and yelled this at him so many times...but from what I get, these conditions can turn a man into what I am dealing with in him. No drive, no stamina, no will, no anything. I'm torn between wanting to say to him "Bye and burn in the 50th realm of hell MF'er" and "For the good times sake, I want to help you through this."

I hear you...

How willing is he to seek treatment? In the end, only he can be responsible for his emotional, sexual, and physical health. You have voiced your needs, it's his job to step up or admit he's unwilling to contribute to the marriage.

Yeah, he's using these patches called androderm (sp?) to help his testosterone levels and he is going to therapy. I think we need couple's therapy (again) as well.

We wish you the best, sounds like he is at least interested in working on solutions.

Good luck to you both...it sounds like he's actually listening.

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