How I Got HereWe dated for 2 years before we got married. I always had a stronger libido than him but it was not a huge difference and we had a healthy sex life. The wedding came a little sooner than it would have otherwise because his visa had expired and he was under threat of deportation, but we discussed it thoroughly and both decided we were ready to take the plunge. We had been living together for about a year.
The sex stopped the day we got married. We didn't consummate our marriage for about 3 weeks but I blamed it on the fact that we had his family from overseas staying with us in our small house. There was no privacy. As soon as his family left he started going out drinking with a friend almost every night. I was miserable and would stay up till 2 or 3 in the morning waiting for him and scream and yell when he got home. He told me that I needed to realize that marriage wasn't going to change him and refused to see that this was a change. He never went out so often when we were dating, and when he did I was usually invited. I should have left him then but I was so ashamed that our marriage had fallen apart so quickly, I thought we could work things out, and I blamed his friend instead of him. Most of my attempts to initiate sex were met with accusations. Couldn't i see how tired he was? Didn't I know he had other things to do? and the occasional If I didn't make such a big deal about sex, maybe he would feel like it.
After a while his friend moved away and things got better. This was the first time of many that I readjusted my idea of what happy was. We were still only having sex about once a month but we we weren't fighting and we were doing things like going to the movies together so I chose to be content. At some point he bought me a dog collar looking necklace and said it turned him on. I was thrilled. However, he wanted me to wear it at inappropriate times like to my friends wedding, and a family Xmas party. When I refused the lack of sex officially became my fault. When I tried to wear it at other times he came back with "You don't like the necklace, you just want sex" and refused me.
Then a miracle happened. My high school boyfriend was in town and contacted me to hang out. Who knew a little competition would inspire my husband. We had sex 5 nights in a row, every night my ex was in town. Unfortunately it stopped the day he left. The result of those 5 nights is that I became pregnant. I was super horny during my pregnancy. The hormones made me feel super womanly and sexy but my husband just could not bring himself to have sex with a pregnant woman, even before I was showing. So at 29 I went for my first year without sex. Once again, I should have left but I thought things would get better after the baby came, and that I needed him to be a father.
We decided that I should stay at home with the baby and my feelings of isolation and loneliness increased. I became deeply depressed and started having fantasies of my husbands death. When I saw a doctor he put me on antidepressants and dismissed my feelings. His exact words were, "You didn't get married because you hate each other, you just need to work through this." My sense of self worth was so damaged that I just believed what the doctor (not a therapist) said about me. When I went back for a checkup after 6 months I said I was still sad. He suggested a therapist and increased the dosage of my meds.
The next few years were just me internalizing responsibility for my situation. My husband came to one marriage counseling session and determined that I was the one with the problem so I should continue on my own. I believed him. I was the one who was unhappy. I was the one unable to cope with my life. He was fine. I worked with my therapist on setting boundaries with my family, getting past obsessive thoughts, and making myself happy. I never mentioned my sex life because the subject still filled me with shame. During this time I learned how to approach my husband about sex. Trying to flirt or flat out asking was met with immediate refusal so I started saying "It's been awhile" during normal conversation. A response of "It hasn't been that long" meant leave him alone. "Yes it has" meant I could pursue it further. We fell into a pattern of 3 or 4 times a year.
A couple years ago I had an episode where I became overcome by a sexual fantasy. I couldn't push it from my head and couldn't focus on all the things I needed to do. I begged my husband for sex. He seemed amused that I was so uncomfortable and relented. I ended up pregnant. The level of his indifference to my feelings became apparent during the pregnancy. I knew better than to ask for sex but needed something. I came to him crying, saying I was lonely and asked him to simply put his arm around me while we were in bed. He told me it was uncomfortable and he couldn't sleep that way. The night I got pregnant was the last time my husband touched me at all and my son is 10 months old.