Selective Memory Disorder

I just came across a journal from 2005, when my STBX and I were planning our wedding. Check out these choice quotes:

"He is trying so hard to work out his issues with organization and procrastination."

"Then of course there is his job---which puts him in a grumpy mood and makes him feel hopeless and frustrated. He comes home exhausted and irritable every day."

"I can't depend on him to do his small share [of the wedding work]. He seems to be shaping up now and trying harder to do his part, but it's not like I trust him yet---he hasn't earned that. So I can't just sit back and assume he is doing it. I still have to think about it, ask about it, worry about it, etc. I hope he does do the things he's supposed to, but for now, I haven't crossed them off my list."

"As a result of all this, we've only been having sex like once a week. If that. We're just so distracted and tense, we aren't even interested, even if it might help us relax."

NOTHING HAS CHANGED SINCE BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED. Yes, he got much much worse after his depression, but it was so clearly there from the start: all the textbook passive aggression, the inability to be responsible, excuses for the lack of sex.

He arrives tomorrow to pack his stuff, and as usual, it's like I'm the only one IN the situation. It's like I'm the one who is getting divorced, just like it felt that I was the only one fighting for the marriage. In both cases, he forced me to make all the decisions, so that I would have to take all the responsibility.

What else is new?

nyartgal nyartgal
36-40, F
6 Responses Dec 21, 2012

Sending you my best wishes. No one should have to settle with an uncaring partner. I bury myself in my art to try and cope. Be well and respect yourself.

You kniow those posts that appear here at times - the engaged chick listing a heap of issues - the chorus of ILIASM members saying "don't do it".

Just out of interest, what do you reckon you'd have done if you'd hit ILIASM at the engagement stage (and got the usual replies) ??

Tread your own path.

Just joined and not sure what STBX is.

Soon To Be Ex

Being in the Army, I love acronyms! That is a good one!

Hmm... mines different. My ex pursued me for most of the steps (I wasn't useless, just that my 'distancer' wasn't passive in regard to doing a fair number of things). From putting out the word that she'd taken a fancy to me, right up to proposing (though it wasn't particularly romantic). That makes it sound like I wasn't active, I was, jut that my ex was keen to make us a 'couple'. But sex became awkward or rationed quite early on, and by the end was a rare 'treat'. Weirdly controlling. Lot's of moving for school/work, often inter-continental, kept us resetting, it took far too long for me to spot the pattern, what was happening to me.<br />
<br />
[I'll revise the last phrase - 'what was being done to me' (and it disturbs me that I let it happen)]

annnd to add insult to injury...
he is (bowing down now)
St. J...above
all that messy emo stuff...
in his own lil universe...
lalala just goin about his life
as if a 35 year union
were a few shallow dates that didn't pan out....

That's my story! Except for the divorce part (yet). Good for you for getting out.

thank you...not the easiest choice
but the healthiest one