...and With The Wine, Honesty....My story is fairly typical of others in here... cold wife, doesn't seem to love or care... immune to small gestures, roses, dinner out... etc... etc...
Last night was my company Christmas party. I was headed there straight from work, so in the morning I put on grey slacks, dark blue button down, black wingtips and a grey sports coat. I thought I looked pretty good. I emerged from the bathroom and she says, "uuuuhh.... well..... I guess that'll do...". I should be used to this by now, but it really bothered me, particularly after I go out of my way to comment about the way she looks as she heads off to work, the way she dresses, her humor, her intelligence....etc... for me? Nada.
At the party she drank 3-4 glasses of wine. I didn't drink at all because I was going to drive about 45 minutes home.
When we were in the car, she said I looked good tonight. It felt like such a block-check (she could tell I was not very happy that morning). So I said, "If you thought that, why didn't you say anything this morning?".
Ok; here it comes. She said, "..because if I tell you how good you look, you might believe it and go find someone else...".
?!?!??!?? excuse me?!!!!!! I was shocked..... "What??"
She said, "...you have to understand, I look horrible. You are the better looking of the two of us. If you knew that, you'd go find something younger no doubt...".
I couldn't help myself. I said, "...do you realize the pain, the doubt... the constant self-f**king analysis till all hours this has caused me???".. and then another thought on this hit me, "... you've purposely been trashing my self esteem.... in trade... for your own security?!? Don't you realize that making me think I'm not attractive to you, that you don't desire me is causing the exact opposite of what you think? It's not keeping me with you, it's making me seek validation and attention elsewhere!"
"....no...no... what I'm saying is that's how I feel...", she says. Not emotionally, but in this, 'its not about you' way. Not about me??!!! The price this f**king 'tactic' of hers has cost me, for years, is beyond measure in pain, lonliness, confusion, severly challenged self-worth...etc...
I'm still thinking through today just what all the implications were of this. First, I do understand 'what' she's saying - but right at this point, and I know this sounds selfish, I swear I could give a s**t about her twisted line of thinking that somehow I'd be better chained here if she made me feel I was undesireable. The words selfish, self-centered, callous, etc.... come to mind to start with. I've got all the self-image problem psychology that I now know she has, but I don't feel particularly warm and fuzzy about making her feel good, in payment for making me feel worthless for years.
So... lots of deep breaths today. So, I guess I'm supposed to feel somehow better about myself out of this, but obvoiously can't.... maybe not just yet (because, then again, THIS could all be some line of BS as well...).
I'd never in my life heard of such a thing... trashing the one you love so they'll feel so unworthy that they'd be happy taking the scraps of intimacy you dish out like holy water???
Anyone ever hear of something so ... I can't even think of an appropriate word, and obviously still in vent mode.