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You Can Too!

Been afraid to post here for a long time....my ex followed me here and made me feel horrible for sharing here. That's okay, though....as is everything else he TRIES to make me feel..

I am OUT, and have been for a good long while, and divorced for about half a year. And here I can get to my point: even leaving, even DIVORCE doesn't mean you can be separate, if there are children involved. This has been so much harder than I EVER envisioned.

My kids love new man, I LOVE new man, but ex doesn't want new man in kds life.....at all.

Both kids and new man think I am a horrible person for caring about how this makes ex husband feel....and I REALLY WANNA just let go and be happy! But I still feel responsible for ex....and when he says "I don't want our kids around HIM..." even though kids have TOLD me they love "new man", and won't say the same about their father???

I GET that I am just looking for affirmation, but really? Where else could I look??
gonebabygone gonebabygone 41-45, F 6 Responses Dec 23, 2012

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I struggle with this too but... your kids should come before your EX.... and they are telling you loud and clear they want nothing to do with EX and everything to do with new man!

If I may offer a couple of thoughts...first, no one, including your ex, has ANY power or control over you that you don't give them. You may get this already intellectually, but you have to OWN it for yourself for it to have meaning. Next, if any of the reason you offer him any control or influence is a matter of "feeling bad" for his situation, it is crucial to remember that his situation is by his own choice, and the string of choices he made that had him end up where he is in this moment. For him to learn the lessons he has chosen for himself, you need to completely detach from any control he tries to enforce over you. When he says he doesn't want kids around the "new man". you simply thank him for his thoughts, and refuse further comment. Don't argue, don't make him wrong, simply acknowledge his words and go on with your life. I promise you will find it easier and easier every time you succeed. And you will help him to learn one of the most important lessons any of us can learn - that we have no control over anything in the universe, except that we have total choice in who we are going to be in any given situation, and being our word. That is where each of our true power lies, and only there. Be well.....Namaste'

I don't see why the X even gets to discuss the new man with you. Perhaps the kids have told him, but that doesn't mean you have to respond to anything he has to say on the topic. Literally. Protect yourself. If he says anything about the new man, fight the social conversational urge and greet the comment with silence. If you do not engage in conversation on this topic, he can't continue it, unless he wants to monologue on the subject. This may seem like a tactic right out of the passive-aggressive playbook, except you are using it to maintain a firm and appropriate boundary.

Are you concerned that this will have practical considerations in a shared custody situation?

You dumped the chump on paper now do it for real! He is NOT your friend!

Gibby said it better than I would have!!! Good luck to you:)

Difficult situation indeed. i believe the saying "To Thine Own-self Be True" applies.
Seems your people pleasing has left you a bit conflicted. I would guess that is normal and as you said as long as there are kids involved one is never really free of an ex.
Good for you for wanting to provide an avenue for your kids to have access to their father. In so far as others opinion of you....in reality it matters little.
I agree with the psychological principal no one can make me feel anything...I choose my feelings. Others attempt to manipulate us in to choosing emotions which they can further manipulate our actions through.
If I were the other man in your life I suppose I might be a bit threatened by your continued attachment to your ex....then again that would be my problem not yours. As for the kids ...heck nothing like a kid to trigger the guilt button in our life. You are doing the right thing, you have found a path you are comfortable with all this other stuff is but bumps in the road and it will smooth out.