From Another PerspectiveI don't really belong in this group because I no longer live in a sexless marriage. I was the spouse that refused sex. For me various reasons attributed to it, I wasn't feeling romanced by him, I longed for non physical intimacy more than sexual intimacy, I was tired when I came home, I went through a spell of just not feeling aroused by him. while he would pour his heart out to me, told me how the lack of sex made him feel, how he didn't feel loved and he didn't feel attractive because I didn't approach him physically. I didn't do anything to address his issues. I kept this attitude of if I am cooking, cleaning and tending house, then what's the big deal we dont have sex. This back and forth went on for yrs, eventually he had an affair and I found out. I was crushed in so many ways but I had to honestly look at what caused it to happen. I was very aware that the lack of intimacy that I set forth in motion caused this to happen.
As I dealt with my feelings of the reality I created, I at first started having more sex with him. It wasn't because I wanted to heal his wounds but because I didn't want him to stray again but there was to much pain associated with the act. I couldn't get past him being with someone else, so I started to become distant again and had my own affair. There we stood, two people who love each other in this cycle of hurt repeating the pain. Eventually my affair ended and I had to seriously evaluate my marriage. Do I want to keep hurting him? do I love him enough to try and fix it? Why am I not more intimate with him? what really is the deal?
It does come to the point where you know that being in a sexless marriage has to change, as the person who is holding the power by withholding sex, you really have to say to yourself either I am going to **** or get off the pot so to speak. Either I am going to do something and change because I do love him and want to make it work, or it simply is I am no longer in love or sexually attracted to him. The truth was I am in love with him, so I changed. It has been a gradual process, four years later we are in a wonderful place. We have had lots of talks, we reconnected sexually by accepting what our likes and needs are now. A lot of it had to do with life changes, changes in sexual taste and communicating. I couldn't hear his needs because I didn't want to listen and his hurt wouldn't allow him to see the other ways I needed to be acknowledged.
It isn't right to use sex as a weapon against your spouse, it isn't there for that. It shouldn't be the only thing that connects you but it is an important aspect. I know this now. for those of you that say you love your spouse and everything else is great outside of sex, I hope that you and your spouse can find a way out of the sexless marriage trap.