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Punching Bag

I guess you are in a ****** mood tonight. A bad mood and a sleeping pill is a great combination. "In vino, veritas" I suppose. I am having a blast listening to you list my faults as a husband. Please go on some more about how much more you invest in the work of our household than I do (untrue). Tell me again how awful it is to be around me. The fact that you feel justified in hurling verbal insults at the person you are supposed to love and support is telling.

Emotional abuse is only effective if the target let's it be. Right now I am just ignoring your blathering. I guess if this is the way you feel, I can understand why you won't have sex with me.

Living in a private hell from which there seems to be no escape. Where to go from here? Guestroom? Then where?
CravingSomething CravingSomething 36-40, M 6 Responses Dec 23, 2012

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I don't mean to sound rude or harsh, but if you're not willing to leave the situation then dealing with it is your only option. Personally I wouldn't stay in the household if things were as bad as you say that they are. Being a weekend dad is better than not being a dad at all. You go through the courts, you file for joint custody, you make arrangements to where she HAS to abide by them and if she doesn't she gets in trouble (via the courts) and you do what you have to do to be the best dad/father to your kid(s) that you can be. But you do NOT have to put up with her BS by staying there.

Sure you can hide in the guest room, but you're not out of the 'safe zone.' You're still in her range and she can still abuse you. And what about your kids? Do they need to see/hear what's going on? That's not healthy for them. If need be, fight her for custody of them. But don't stay there just for the convenience of the kids because they don't need to be around the fighting and the bickering ... they need a healthy where they can feel safe.

I wish you the best on whatever you choose to do, but when you make your choice keep your children, their safety & well-being, as well as your own safety & well-being in mind.

Gee, are you sure you are not my husband, lol? Sorry, but this sounds exactly like something he would write. Nothing is ever his fault; I am always crazy; he is innocent and I am ALWAYS the one who has an issue. The only difference is that he is the one who withholds all sex, love and affection. After awhile, my frustration level peaks and I do get angry when he makes another one of his passive-aggressive moves. He loves to play the victim and badmouth me to everyone he knows--even going so far as to fake and pretend an injury once and telling people I did it to him. He is an important person in our community, and I am just his second wife who is supposed to accompany him to his public functions and behave in a polite, quite way. At home, he is controlling and makes my life a living hell. My children and I do not even have a closet in this man's home because all closets are filled with his clothing. Everything revolves around him. he can talk a good game when he needs to but in reality, he does the absolute minimum requirement except when he thinks he might get ahead. Then, he can lay it on thick. Anyway, after years of wondering why he courted me only to treat me like crap once he had me, I figured it out. I stumbled upon narcissistic personality disorder--OMG-it's him! Of course, I could never tell him that. Narcissists never acknoweldge they are narcissists--and there is no cure. The only advice psychologists and survivors can give you is to give up and get out. While this makes me a bit sad, I cannot tell you how much of a burden it lifted from my shoulders. All this time, I thought something was wrong with me--I have been so depressed, so unhappy, so sad--and for so long! Now, I feel better just knowing that it really wasn't me--no matter what I did, he was never going to change. I guess, it's a relief to know that the failure was not all mine. I was tricked, as so many are, and now I know. I'm still unhappily married to a withholding narcissist, but I can let go of my old disappointments and expectations because he is incapable of loving anyone but himself. I could go on about this discovery--and maybe I will in a separate story--but, my question for you is--are you being honest, have you actually paid attention to your wife in a loving way, or do you sit in your recliner and expect her to accommodate you? If you have tried and acted loving, then you do not deserve to be treated badly. However, most withholding, passive-aggressive narcissists aren't so straight forward in their attacks. If you love your wife, sit her down and have a real conversation. if not, pack it in.

I can assure you I am the opposite of that guy in the recliner. I am not perfect, no one is, but I am actively trying to save my marriage. She on the other hand is content to accept that I am working on "my problems" and takes no part in seeking a middle ground.

Isn't it weird how we own the marriage crisis, and they sit back and watch us as we work through our problems?!

...Well, at least we'll be better able to actually pull off a good marriage.
Just not with them!

They do. It's because all THEIR needs are being met. ****** me off.

Yep, and our happiness isn't among those needs.
Someone told me that it's a spouse's job to care for their partner's needs...but in return the partner has to care back.
In a lot of SM's, the caring seems to flow only one way, to the refuser.

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As a man, you have few choices for escape. For now, the guest room is your best option. Your best option is to also take her BS. There's not much out there to help out a man in your situation.

So true. As a man I know that leaving requires me to give up my children and become "weekend dad". I won't do it.

And that's the reason why I stay. A friend of mine was in the same situation that you were in a couple of years ago. He left his wife and is still paying for it financially and emotionally. I truly wish you the best of luck.

I'm really sensitive to verbal abuse.If someone starts shouting at me, I have two choices-panic attack, or go away.

Were I you...I'd not put up with it. I put up with it way too long-please learn from my mistake.

"I guess if this is the way you feel, I can understand why you won't have sex with me." I just got a load of this. Makes it hard to keep trying when you find out just how much they hate you

It's all our fault, until they need us again. It's her against the whole world (including me).

I hear New Zealand is beautiful.....

Are you seriously contemplating the guest room? I tried that, got convinced to return to the matrimonial mattress. Now my bargaining power is near zero.

And no one should dishonor another person by letting them abuse you in any way. Men have GOT to stop letting women tear them a new one whenever they want. (Applies to both sides)

You're right: men do need to stop this. However, in most localities, men have no place to turn to for help. The DV industry is focused on the males being the offenders and have failed to realize that females are equally culpable for committing acts of abuse. It's likely that CravingSomething is looking to go to the guest room of their home because he truly has no other place to turn to for help.