I Want More Outta Life Than This.

Reading other's accounts has really helped me understand that I am not alone in my pain.  Since I've begun to read about other in similar situations, I've also begun to wonder what I can do to take more responsibility and control for my own pain.

Last week I wrote about moving out of my finace bedroom and sleeping alone.  It worked for a week, then I not him had a weekness.  I just wanted to be around him again  - so this week I began sometimes sleeping with him and sometimes not depending on my level of hurt.  Of course that messed things up and he's back to acting unconcerned again.

However, I learned something about myself.  I learned that I was in more control of this situation than I thought and that I was aiding my own misery.  I learned that I was also doing to him what I didn't want done to me.  Avoiding intimacy out of fear of hurt, pain loosing control ...whatever.  But I have been avoiding my own pain - hoping that I could somehow lessen it by "forcing him to change" 

Well by now I learned that you can't make someone change - you can only chnage yourself and even less desireable is why would you want to "force" anyone to do anything.  Being force or feeling made to do something anything "isn't what LOVE feels like.

So I thought - you know I'm tired of this and what I really want more than anything is a loving, intimate sincere honest relationship - that includes giving and sharing.  I love to give but I want to be on the receiving end to.  And I'm to the point where it doesn't have to be with my finace anymore.

In recognizing that, I started reading about control and witholding in relationships.  I learned that people withold in relationships any number of things in order to gain control over the other person.  And I thought if I were in a loving relationship would I do that to my fiance - NO is the answer.

So I thought I'd try to be the person I know I am capable of being now.  A person whom I'd want to be in a relationship with.  "They do say like attrats like" 

But then I also thought what about my pain, my hurt...I can no longer ignore it and I realize that I - just like him in my own way have been ignoring pain and reality.  When he hurts me or rejects me - Isete, I get angry, I yell at him, I am mean to him or I just plain ignore him unitl I feel better. 

While this is in some way acknowledging my pain I realize I am being a child.  I have decided to calmly let him know when he hurts me, when I feel rejected, angry or sad.  The point being not to condem him - but to allow my feeling to flow and be recogized most importantly by myself.  To be verbalized and said so that both he and I are hearing them. 

I have vowed not to argue, or goat him or be mean - just to state how I feel and to let it be known.  In time, if I can do this.  I know it is much eaiser said than done.  If he does not respond to me then I am leaving him.  I don't know how long I am giving it.  A few months I guess.

I just think that after hearing myself politely tell him how much he is hurting me and not getting a reponse to that I will be in a better postion to leave and deep down he won't be able to come up with excuses or say "why are you leaving me"

I tried this last night with him and thet effect it had on me was amazing.  I felt freed of my emotions, good about not being mean to him and in control of my life and my own pusuit of personal happiness.

I'd like to share with everyone the following about intimacy which I found on a site.  Because I truly believe we all need love and intimacy in our lives.  And it's never to late to have it. I also included three great pieces of advice for the lonely person.  I myself have relaized that I really need to work on number 1.

 Everybody needs intimacy. It is hard to be alone. Further, it is only through togetherness that we open and learn more about ourselves. Of course, theoretically, I have everything inside of myself. The relaxation and centeredness I look for is in me, in my meditation and spirituality. However, intimacy can be part of the path to finding the inner oneness. Daring to be intimate means accepting and loving yourself so that you can accept and love someone else. It also means taking initiative. It means looking, opening, listening, speaking, touching, expressing and moving with others and ourselves.

3 Great pieces of Advice for the lonely person

 There are three more tasks ahead of you. Develop a support system that is independent of any future primary love relationship. Some of you will already have this in place and others will have to plan and develop it for the first time. One of the criteria for a healthy relationship is that both of you can live without it. Your relationship cannot be all that sustains you.

Next, examine any possible role that you played in the betrayal. This deepens your understanding of yourself and helps insure that you won't repeat your mistakes. For example, how do you deal with obstacles? You may have to explore childhood experiences that have conditioned you to behave in ways that prevent you from getting your adult needs met. Counselors are trained to help with this task.

Finally, commit to improving communication and dialogue in all your relationships. This is skill building. Whether you are a man or a woman, it is irresponsible to assume that if you are not good at communication, others will make allowances. It is your responsibility to know yourself, your feelings, your desires, your needs, and be able to communicate them. We are all capable of increasing our emotional intelligence and our ability to communicate it.

RomanticLady RomanticLady
26-30, F
6 Responses May 21, 2007

grendelan: thank you. I AM a loving, giving, caring person and if HE doesn't want it - it is HIS problem.

emily50: does it matter? It's not your problem to solve.

A sentence from your story hit me hard- "If he does not repond to me, than I am leaving". I keep telling myself this, and I keep trying to talk to my husband who is emotionally bankrupt. Something keeps telling me not to leave...and I don't know why. Can anyone really say why he is emotionally missing - is it because he really doesn't care or love?

Whatever it is, it isn't you. I think sometimes we stay because we feel guilt.
He would be this way with anyone, don't you think?

Very positive story! I hope I can make my next step with as clear a mind.

i understand the giving aspect that you so desire. while my husband and i have not been intimate for a long while, and others condemn me for the type of relationship i am now living- i have found a way to "dispose" of the need to give. while in no way a substitute for sex or intamacy, i feel so strongly to give of myself. i think i could easily just go about sleeping with every man i could get into's pants, but easier still i have found that donating time to homless shelters fufills a portion of the desire to "love unconditionally" probably not the suggestion you were looking for, but i know that giving of myself is better than just giving myself and sure helps that need.

Really great advice. I recently went through this myself and agree with what you say. My marriage is working a lot better now than it has in 4 years. Not only did I open up and, but got my wife to also. We are much better off for it. Good luck with yours, I hope it works out for you the way you would like it to.