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I Live In a Sexless Marriage

Am I Turning Into A Refuser?!

By: tornFlower
Written on December 24th, 2012
As an update to my situation, i was contemplating leaving or staying in my SM. i was quite bent upon trying every last bit before i made my decision. i went to the counselor and that helped a bit but by the overall experience i was scared and finally emotionally broke the tie.Suddenly his no care attitude dint bother me. dont want to talk, eat dinner together, have family time, ***** about how bad i was to his mother, nothing hurts me anymore. the pain actual pain in my heart has stopped, even though i feel hurt. so i was moving along nicely trying to get some advice from the lawyers when suddenly he became very ill. he didnt tell me untill he had to be hospitalized for a day. i put my resentment aside and am still nursing him. he is kind of turing around and is much kinder and nicer than before. so we are here 1 month down this rocky path. he hasnt yet appologised for all the hurtful things he said or did. he is inviting his mom over to stay ... not helping!!
anyway i am still trying to make him feel better anyway i can but somehow the hurt and the scars keep emerging. its too painful to feel love let alone be intimate with him. to my surprize he tried his move on me yesterday morning and i was upset! i pretended to be asleep and in a verry deep sleep. untill he gave up and went down stairs. i cried inside to know that i had been cribbing and fuming about the sexless marriage and here i am refusing the very same thing. clearly my feelings have changed and i am a different person. people say refuser gains the power but i am feeling very sad, guilty and frustrated!
By: tornFlower
Age: 26-30 , Female
232 people have read this story

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5 responses
  • tornFlower
    tornFlower

    thanks for the replies. yes i dont feel attracted to him and anytime that i have that feeling, the feeling of being treated bad, hurtful words and inconsiderate person over-rides those loving feelings. i hate to live like this. i wonder that everyday of my life that i spend in misery is a day lost from the wonderful life i could have had.

    Dec 26, 2012
    1 like
  • ulae
    ulae

    Counter-refusal is not a power game. After getting refused long enough, your mind equates lust with misery, and switches it off. If you got hives every time you ate a specific food, how long would you take to kick the habit?

    Dec 26, 2012
    1 like
  • mvcmvc
    mvcmvc

    The long term consequences of these dynamics eventually come to the forefront.

    These dysfunctional dynamics are akin to not saving for retirement but expecting the funds to be there for you when you do eventually retire.

    Some people understand and can connect those dots and conduct themselves over the years with one eye on the present another on the future.

    Whether that be investing in your retirement fund or your marriage. Some accomplish it, others do not.

    Dec 24, 2012
    2 likes
  • hylierandom
    hylierandom

    I once had a very strong love for my STBX. It took her ten years to break it...It broke this September.

    All this repressed anger at her came out in an unexpected flood, and for 3 days I felt fury and grief, I kept raging and crying. Before that I'd never looked at how much damage her criticism of every little thing I did had done to me....I'm beginning to realize that this three-day period is when my love died.

    I see it only in retrospect.

    Do you think he's managed to kill what love you had...and your cognitions just have not caught up to that tectonic emotional shift?

    Because it sounds like what I felt: obligated to care for my partner's well-being, but disliking her sexually, somewhat dreading being around her, anxious and tense when she and I had to interact. Feeling obligated to stay because I vowed to, and hating that I had so vowed.

    Yes, I still feel guilty about breaking those vows, but not enough to stay in that wasteland with a partner who hated having s3x and treated me like an afterthought to her life.

    Dec 24, 2012
    1 like
  • GibbySan
    GibbySan

    Stop beating yourself up because you no longer find yourself attracted to someone who has treated you badly for years.

    I stopped initiating six months ago, and my husband hasn't said a word. I still want sex, just not with him, and if he tried to initiate I have no idea what I would do. I don't feel guilty, I have simply accepted it as the natural outcome of being rejected for years.

    I would venture to guess that the only reason your H tried to start something is he feels his sense of control slipping away, and he's trying to reclaim it.

    Dec 24, 2012
    3 likes