HonestyI am not a deceptive person. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am upfront and downright blunt with truth and honesty. I have been with my husband, too.
So here I am - in an affair and plotting my escape from this marriage as he happily eats his chips and plays his video game, clueless. That sounds mean --- and judgmental. I am a little bitter about the video games. The chips, I could care less. But he has admitted he doesn't like sex because he doesn't feel good about himself (weight-- NOT something I make him feel bad about!!!!) yet doesn't do any thing to fix it. (I am NOT a nag-- I do my own thing, ask him along for hikes, offer veggies, but if he says no, I don't roll my eyes or anything -- I let him be who he needs to be... HE says he is not sexual because he feels bad about himself, I don't make him feel bad........hope that makes sense).
Anyway----I feel guilt because he is clueless to what is going on.
There must be a more graceful way, right? I need to just be honest. Maybe not on Christmas Eve, though, right? ugh.
Sorry!!! I hate all of this, I really do. My stomach is knots, all the time, except for those few smiley moments from and with MT, or when I am absorbed in work. But here we are together, alone, on Christmas Eve -- first time ever we didn't have some place to go for the Holidays. Weird. Empty. Fitting.
I dont' know the purpose of this post. I don't LIKE the lying.... I don't. But I don't know how to be honest. I am scared to be - it got so ugly last year. He guilted me, shamed me, "I thought we would be together forever."
This is just a moment in time, don't judge me forever over this -- tomorrow I will be stronger. (((thanks)))