Feeling So Alone With You(I apologize for the stream of thought writing, but with my poor writing skills and the emotions this topic push to the surface, this is the best I could do.)
I am currently sitting 10 feet away from my wife, watching her knit and hold my daughter, two of the most beautiful people I have ever known.It used to be me over there, cuddling her, loving her. But that seems to be over. Just like the dog went to the back yard when I met her, so it seems I ended up on the recliner when my baby was born.Don't get me wrong, I don't have any problems with my daughter and wife's relationship. My wife is quite possibly one of the most loving parent's I have ever seen and my daughter is the most beautiful and special contribution I have ever given this world. I just can't understand how there isn't enough room for me on that couch, philosophically speaking.
The first few months after she was born I thought it was something I wasn't providing, and I suppose deep down I do still. I thought it was the sympathy weight I gained during pregnancy, so I lost all of that and a bit more for good measure. Maybe I haven't been giving her enough attention, having been loving enough, so I make a point of telling her how much I love her, how much she means to me, taking her out for a nice meal when we could afford it, more attempts at a hug and a kiss. All that happened was more rejection, including the dreaded "I'm over this hug" pat on the back.
Then summer came, requiring me to go out into the field for work. I did as I have a tendency to do and buried my head in my work, telling myself that it was all for the family. I spent nearly a solid three months in the field, working untold hours (usually a minimum 14 hour day) seeing my wife and daughter sporadically throughout. When I would see my wife I would feel missed, but rarely would I even receive an uninhibited hug. I missed them both dearly, especially my daughter, but the pain of rejection numbed my yearning to be home.
My wife has started to warm up to me a bit since I have been home. I had a fairly serious melt down about the situation, explaining to her that no sex and no intimacy just isn't sustainable for a long term relationship and that we need to figure something out if we are going to last as husband and wife. I explained to her that I love her and my daughter dearly, that the last thing I would ever want is to be away from them, but the feeling of being with her and alone was more depressing to me than the thought of being alone by myself. She told me that this is all very normal, that she has been talking to friends on one of her internet chat groups of women who recently had children and that many of them were having many of the same issues. I explained to her that I can understand that but it just will not work for the long term. A few days later she had sex with me. I was happy to have the affection, but a big part of me feels like it was done out of necessity, not desire. Is that just resentment talking?
So here I am, still sitting in this chair, hating the coldness I receive when I'm on the couch. Sometimes I fantasize about what it would be like to be free from this loneliness, but the fear of not being able to be a regular father to my daughter and knowing that I really do love my wife and she loves me keep me here. Whats a guy to do?