His Christmas Gift To Me

Again recalling this from yesterday, so it's not verbatim. When these things happen, I immediately block them and get on with it, but they shake me to the very core. He pretends nothing happens after. Crazy.

So, on Saturday night I went to a wonderful Solstice party (my mom came to help with the kids, and the STBX slept upstairs to help with them overnight). I had a wonderful time, ate great food, drank wine, danced until the wee hours of the morning, and slept in my friend's guest room for a few hours before getting up for the next day.

Talked with my friend J___ (female, platonic, etc - in case your mind goes there) a bit about the marriage in the wee hours too, once the other guests had left. She was upset for me, and she said he had "Peter Pan syndrome" - so long as I never disturbed his little world, and he was free to just have fun, the marriage was fine... She said "when your STBX was here last year, it was obvious he didn't want you to have any fun, it was obvious he is resentful of your accomplishments"!!! (How obvious has this been to everyone but me? How could I be so blind for so long?)

Well STBX called my friends house at 11am as we finished breakfast and I was about to get in the car, asking for me. I told him I was on my way. He said he was feeling sick. The kids were in front of a movie, I told him to just lay down, I was on my way.

That was Sunday. On Monday morning (Xmas evg morning), my brother was coming over from out of town. I got up and made breakfast with the kids. I had an idea that this New YEars, since I'm not doing anything romantic (well haven't for years anyways), we'd have some of the kids friends over for their own sleepover, and I'd "give back" to some of the parents, letting them have a night off, and giving the kids a great time too.

I told STBX about the plan. As there will be kids and that's his great joy in life, he immediately jumped all over it "I'll be there if I feel well!". I went "uh huh" and rolled my eyes. Not hte most polite, sure, but you know what... after feeling so alive on the weekend, after having this idea MYSELF, all I needed was him there when he's not well, or taking over and riling up the kids, etc. he just wants to play too!!! Etiher way, rolling eyes and saying sarcastic "uh huh" is not the end of the world, if not the greatest reaction... but it was explosive.

He stomped downstairs, then stomped back up and raced past me. I said after him "can you please tell the kids to put away the dishes" and he yelled "shut up!", which was unusual. I said "excuse me?? what?" he stomped into the dining room where I was sitting and He started in with "I'm still a person, you know, you can't treat me dismissively! Oh and I'm going to a lawyer and taking half the house and guess what I'm asking for full custody of the kids!"

There was more, about me always blaming everyone else for all my problems, I blame my mom and now I'm blaming him, he's completely blameless, yadda yadda. Wish I had a tape recorder. In the past, I'd think he had a point and try to apologize, but I know better now. he just knows which buttons to push to get the most out of an argument.

I as usual lately stayed completely blank-faced, and tried to ignore my own emotions to concentrate on what was happening tactically. I said "We already discussed this. You know that you are not well enough to take the kids full time, and a lawyer would know that too. As for taking half the house, you know that would then cause a problem for the kids, because it would cause me extreme financial hardship, and the kids too.".

He started in on "can't you see I have NOTHING? Can't you see I'm too unwell to do anything? You're the only person I can socialize with! Try living like me sometime!"

I said "you are well enough to do some things. You have my sympathy for your condition, but I can't live my life like you, and I think you have no sympathy for my situation either".

Then he says "I never asked you to live like me!" (contradiction - an immediate one, I noted!) Plus a lot more sh*t was said.

i finally said "you know this is not working. I am not married to you any more. I don't want to be married to you anymore. I can barely stand to be your friend anymore. If it's best for us to go our separate ways, then it's time. I'm good with that".

Then the doorbell rang: my brother had arrived. STBX ran down to the basement and hid for the rest of the morning. When he came back up he acted like nothing had happened; in fact for the rest of that day and today he's being his own version of "super nice" - emptying the dishwasher without being asked type of thing, no sulking (which I'll take I'm that lame). Of course he hasn't done d*ck all to get moving to his separate way... while I continue to give away/pack up/downsize...

In hindsight I realize two things: 1. he did this every time we had any sort of special occasion in the past, and I think this year in particular he's doing it because he feels desperate, he always is worked up during holidays and needs to explode at someone - usually me, and 2. He's punishing me for going out and having fun.

zsuzsilowinger zsuzsilowinger
36-40, F
2 Responses Dec 25, 2012

Fortunately, for you, your husband is going to find out that it is still a very rare thing for a father to get custody of the children as primary. It sounds like he realizes that he has lost complete control over you and the situation so, he is trying to frighten you. If you can stand it, bite your tongue (probably for the 1000th time) and let his lawyer present reality to him. He is lobbing grenades at you; again, if you can, keep your dignity and don't justify his tantrums with a response.

I somehow wonder whether you have reached an inevitable point of over-analysis? You are putting an order of rationalisation on his behaviour that he has no inkling of himself. The only thing that struck me of significance in this post was the degree that he has made himself a martyr to his own suffering as if it was something virtuous. Do you suppose that he plays out the "I want sympathy therefore I am sick (again) right now" card at a drop of the hat, rather than choosing to rail against it?

He's driving himself mad and taking anyone who is vulnerable with him. Don't let it be you. Play it deadpan for your sake and even his. Not that it matters from his perspective.