Post

Dec 25

Today is the 25th December.
Once again i was rejected when i asked for intimacy.
We have not had sex for over 4 months now. This is pretty much the trend.
I feel horrible. Really horrible.
I think i need some time alone to figure out what I want.
I am done pretending. Everyone is keep asking when are we going to have a baby. Most of the time i would just like to shout in their face that my husband wont even have sex with me.

I have spent the past 4,5 years of hoping, begging, asking, fighting, trusting that it will be okay, this is just a phase.
I thought and believed that i had found the perfect man for me.
The one whom i thought never existed. The one who fully knew that relationships require work, the one for that i believed wanted to make me happy, and his planning, decisions, actions, dreams have included me.
I have waited for his medications to wear off, i waited for a better financial situation, i waited for anxiety episods to lessen, waited for though family matters to improve.
The last conversation we had 5 weeks ago was to agree that we will do something every week to have something positive to hang on. Even if it is just touching or caressing or taking a shower together. This is how i left.
I can not do this anymore.
I love him, I love him so much that it breaks my own heart when i have a fight with him.
Stopped therapy. I dont understand.
After all these time he said he really regrets that we did not do therapy earlier as i suggested, and it is my fault for not being pushy enough about it. Really? Weekly fights and crying were not enough?

I often find myself asking, where is the man who waited for me at the airport, huge beautiful flowers (not from the cemetary flower shop)on the table, fresh fruits in the fridge, and started the shower for me...
Bought me well thought out birthday and christmas presents, a beautiful star (which is my all time favorite, hardly wear anything else), was taking me out to dinner, to see a movie, bought little surprises, or just walked out with me to the liquor store to play the lottery.
I am waiting for so many promised things, its not the material value of these things, but the delay which makes me wonder, if it is really a part of a game? Or really i have become a less important item on the list?
Im no longer dreaming of having more Wedding pictures taken with my princess dress on, time to sell it now.
I think our honeymoon and wedding night is overdue also.
Fitness pass wish is only a couple of months old, but despite of asking for it, and remindig him i dont think i will get it now, nor that i would be happy when i get it.
See its not about the money value of those things, im not really sure what it is, or why are those things are delayed, but they are. And it hurts. It tells me that im not as important as once i was.

I asked for some touching, i got the manual "pat you like a dog" moves.
I needed some extra love, extra tenderness, reassurance that i am loved, some explanations why am I being rejected once again, and I now have an irritated husband turning his back on me.

Not once he asked what am i typing on my phone.
Whywhenwho Whywhenwho 31-35, F 8 Responses Dec 25, 2012

Your Response

Cancel

You are way to young to be going through this, I am sorry. I wish you luck

The "patting like a dog" part rings very true for me. As I continue reading stories here and explanations of why people behave the way they do, I wonder why, even if someone isn't sexually turned on, they can't simply caress their husband/wife with the same affection that you would on a first date. I mean, you can give a back rub, or a nice hug to someone without being turned on, for goodness sakes. You said "like a dog" but when I pet my dog I scratch around the ears and slowly caress his back until he's totally relaxed and knows he's loved. What sucks is you're not even getting what a dog would get.

In my mind, it's worse than not having a sex drive when you can't even be affectionate. Stroking someone's hair and nuzzling them is basic comfort you provide close friends, let alone lovers.

To be fair, there is some affection, there is caressing, I was not probably clear enough in my story.
In the "like a dog" reference was rather about rejecting or ignoring or both or willing to just give what I asked for was the point.
I think this is a tendency, that when I ask for things, (little ones, like an extra hug) i would not get it, or asking for something do be done (like please take me out once a while, lets just have a walk by the ocean) it does not get done, when I ask for it, eventually later it might be, but most of the cases months later - probably when he "wants it". Im getting the sense that it might be as others suggested it ispart of the passive - agressive game.
But you are right in a lot of sense.
And I dont get it neither, why is it such a hard thing to give a little pleasure to someone who you love / like / or just simply care a bit about.

"I can not do this anymore."Then don't.You're suffering...and he seems fine with letting you suffer. Maybe he's THAT clueless, but chances are he just does not care to fix it."After all these time he said he really regrets that we did not do therapy earlier as i suggested, and it is my fault for not being pushy enough about it."...And he's pushing all responsibility onto you, denying any of his own. Change requires people to own what behaviors they are responsible for, you know?

Find a way and move on . No blame, no regrets. You both made a mistake and now you realize you want different things in life. Don't make your life a sacrifice that will not be appreciated and possibly not even noticed. Forgive yourself and each other . Move on and find happiness. It is out there waiting for you.

-----"I have spent the past 4,5 years of hoping, begging, asking, fighting, trusting that it will be okay, this is just a phase."

What you are experiencing is not a phase. The initial romance and new relationship energy is gone, and what you see is what you get.

STOP begging for attention. Cease all seductive attempts at this point. Even a therapist will tell you that begging, whining, crying or any other such displays are counterproductive.

-----"I feel horrible. Really horrible. "

Sit with that feeling. DO NOT attempt to push it away nor chase after your disinterested husband. You know that you are worthy of love.

Now, what do you have to do to get to living a higher quality of life and get to feeling well loved in general?

I think you are well down the road to figuring out the magnitude of the problem, and you do know some important things:

"I feel horrible. Really horrible. "

Yes. And sometimes, unpleasant feelings are there for a very good reason, we need to trust them and ourselves. They are telling - yelling - that we must deal with the situation however that works for you, and not let it slide. If you do, you'll find that it gets both objectively and materially worse.

"I think i need some time alone to figure out what I want."

Knowing what you want and what you're prepared to do to get it is perhaps the most constructive places to establish. It gives you a reference point both for how unacceptable the status quo is, and what you want instead. If you also need to recover your feelings of worth, that's helpful, because you will need to own - and shout out if you need to, not have this dirty secret - that you want a loving intimate and sexual relationship.

At this point, DON'T GET PREGNANT. It will make it all that much harder to leave. Loving someone is not enough reason to stay. You are young and have lots of time to find the right guy..

Definitely will not get pregnant. I am way more responsible than bringing a child into this dysfunctional relationship. I hope I'll always be able to think straight about this:)

My best advice is to keep trying. I am going through that right now and it is very very hard. I'm on here looking for answers as well. Physical and emotional intimacy in any relationship are absolutely paramount to feel loved and appreciated. I just miss the warmth of holding her close at night