Dec 25Today is the 25th December.
Once again i was rejected when i asked for intimacy.
We have not had sex for over 4 months now. This is pretty much the trend.
I feel horrible. Really horrible.
I think i need some time alone to figure out what I want.
I am done pretending. Everyone is keep asking when are we going to have a baby. Most of the time i would just like to shout in their face that my husband wont even have sex with me.
I have spent the past 4,5 years of hoping, begging, asking, fighting, trusting that it will be okay, this is just a phase.
I thought and believed that i had found the perfect man for me.
The one whom i thought never existed. The one who fully knew that relationships require work, the one for that i believed wanted to make me happy, and his planning, decisions, actions, dreams have included me.
I have waited for his medications to wear off, i waited for a better financial situation, i waited for anxiety episods to lessen, waited for though family matters to improve.
The last conversation we had 5 weeks ago was to agree that we will do something every week to have something positive to hang on. Even if it is just touching or caressing or taking a shower together. This is how i left.
I can not do this anymore.
I love him, I love him so much that it breaks my own heart when i have a fight with him.
Stopped therapy. I dont understand.
After all these time he said he really regrets that we did not do therapy earlier as i suggested, and it is my fault for not being pushy enough about it. Really? Weekly fights and crying were not enough?
I often find myself asking, where is the man who waited for me at the airport, huge beautiful flowers (not from the cemetary flower shop)on the table, fresh fruits in the fridge, and started the shower for me...
Bought me well thought out birthday and christmas presents, a beautiful star (which is my all time favorite, hardly wear anything else), was taking me out to dinner, to see a movie, bought little surprises, or just walked out with me to the liquor store to play the lottery.
I am waiting for so many promised things, its not the material value of these things, but the delay which makes me wonder, if it is really a part of a game? Or really i have become a less important item on the list?
Im no longer dreaming of having more Wedding pictures taken with my princess dress on, time to sell it now.
I think our honeymoon and wedding night is overdue also.
Fitness pass wish is only a couple of months old, but despite of asking for it, and remindig him i dont think i will get it now, nor that i would be happy when i get it.
See its not about the money value of those things, im not really sure what it is, or why are those things are delayed, but they are. And it hurts. It tells me that im not as important as once i was.
I asked for some touching, i got the manual "pat you like a dog" moves.
I needed some extra love, extra tenderness, reassurance that i am loved, some explanations why am I being rejected once again, and I now have an irritated husband turning his back on me.
Not once he asked what am i typing on my phone.