Just As I Thought Things Were Getting Better, New Devastating Revelation..

I need to give a quick update over my situation.
Ever since I have been proactively working on our sexuality he is fully cooperating. We had the best foreplay and actually had sex and I almost got an ****** on christmas eve.
Sounds great, right. Not.

Christmas Eve I was fully into the the whole thing, my husband was fully into it because he cares about me, and he was looking at it as a skill rather than a release of passion or attraction. There was some piece of puzzle that was still missing.

With the whole time I have been with my husband I always felt something was missing. Just could never put a finger on it.

Here is what I am learning after much exploration, after much talk, after much research..

My husband is an Asexual man. (Asexuality is I am learning is an orientation much like straight or gay or bi is). 

That was the piece of the puzzle that was always missing. Why everything he did sexually seemed fake and just wanting to please me, I had never seen that spark of desire and attraction inspite of everything. By this time we have tried testosterone, educational videos, couples therapy, sex coach, and a whole lot of stuff.
He loves me romantically, wants to be with me for the rest of his life, but is totally okay if he didnt have to have sex for the next 50years. He is now admitting that he just never thinks of sex, never has desired it, never felt sexual about any woman/man anybody, He took the questionaire on the asexual visibility network and 95% of those things they mentioned applied to him according to him..So basically he Admitted to this" I think I may be an Asexual, I can relate to everything they are saying, but I still want our relationship to work"

I dont know What to think of this, What to do about this, If at all I can do anything about this. I learnt that you can not change the orientation of a person, just like you cant make a gay man straight, you cant make an asexual man into a sexual man. He will do all the acts to please me, but never be into it.

I am feeling devastated right now. I am feeling sick in my stomach, want to throw up, almost the same as any one of you would feel if your spouse was a closet gay! Well my husband is a closet Asexual..
So basically all these years I have been fighting a losing battle..I am feeling tricked, decieved, stupid, and like a loser to not 'see' this. All the signs were there.

I know Nothing has changed as far as our sexual lives.. What Has changed is that the sudden realization of the fact that 'It will Never Change'!
Am I overreacting? Do I have any hope at all here?

Just Any advice will help me right now. Thanks a lot..

      Why is this a Big deal Now?
Because all these years he kept me in the dark and kept sending me on wild goose chases, where I was trying to fix all kinds of myriad problems just to be able to get to the sex part of the marriage! .
      He gave me all sorts of reasons why he didnt want to have sex:
The weather is too hot, the weather is too cold, you are too skinny, I was sexually abused as a child, I have overbearing parents, I am loser, I had too much stress, I think sex is dirty, I feel guilty for having sex with you, I will have sex when we go on a vacation, I am too tired, I am too sleepy, I ate too much, there are too many things on my mind, I have ED, I have low testosterone, I dont know how to have sex, I have performance anxiety, we will have sex when we have more money, will have sex when we are more settled, when we have a bigger home, the list goes on and on...

I got busy fixing each and every problem of his, and he was just watching me the whole time working my butt of while he was busy finding yet another distraction.
And he did this for All the 11years we are married!

My question is why did you keep giving me all these hopes and excuses that we will someday have sex when you had no intention to, you have no interest in it, when you are not even Sexual!..
I do feel like I wasted the best years of my life in too much hard work and misery..

Few more thoughts;

I am upset that when all your reasons didnt seem to work, you have in the past resorted to:
Bullying me.
Threatening me.
Calling me names.
Saying stuff like"you are oversexed" (hello, asking for sex 1 time a year does not qualify for being oversexed!)
You even called me a "w hore" one time. (hello, not having sex with anybody in the last 11years hardly qualifies me as a w hore!!)
You tried to instill fear in me, by saying stuff like "okay what are you going to do getting out of here, go back to your old deadbeat boyfriend!! (No I am not going back to my old deadbeat bf from 11years ago. There are a lot of good people out there, just like me!)..
You tried to wring my hands, if I got upset.
Everytime I opened my mouth to speak up to you about our problems, you have acted like a deranged man!

You could have just said, I dont have the same needs of intimacy passion or sex as you do. Why did you have to resort to all this drama?

I do need to note however that you are changing as a person now, but it could also be because I finally decided to stand up for myself..
uma1980 uma1980
31-35, F
30 Responses Dec 26, 2012

Hey just read all your stories.... I feel somewhere its in your mind that you are not ready to leave your husband... or you both have made yourself comfortable with each other. You have now become the best of buddies... where both need each other. My question to you would be 1) If you get a new love, are you going to tell him about the relationship immediately you get into it or much later? 2) Are you going to compare the new guy with your DH? 3) Are you looking for another partner just for SEX(because your DH looks almost perfect in all other aspects)? 4) From all your stories i find that he has a problem for which he is not able to find a solution and neither you would be able to than, do you think leaving him at this point of 11yrs of relationship with a DD is the right thing to do?

Awaiting your response. It seems there are a lot of things simple but we are complicating them.

My idea is you shouldn't be leaving your husband just for ***. Life is not just about ***. Agreed its part of life. But just a small part. There are people who gets that but doesn't find true love and suffer in life. And most of the people are like that.

You are no worse off.

You knew he was intimacy averse to you before this came up - and that's all you needed to know. It's all anybody needs to know truth be told.

Now, you 'might' know "why" he is intimacy averse to you.

Your choice remains the same either way.

And the deadline is all but up.
And, presumably, you have NOT yet had YOUR lawyer peruse the agreement, so the agreements enforcability remains unknown. It'd be smart to get onto that, real quick.

Tread your own path.

So after reading your story I had to see what the asexual network site was all about. While reading it i noticed it said some asexuals are able to compromise, meaning they have sex once in a while for their partners. I think not having sexual desire and thinking sex is dirty or traumatic are two very different things. If your husband is a trauma victim and is identifying as asexual it will be very difficult to get him to compromise but, not impossible. Maybe you can set a bottom line. I will only stay with you if you agree to do x,y,z in the bedroom and maybe negotiate to something he would be open to. Then him being sexual with you is still an expression of his love for you, its him doing something, overcoming something because he knows it makes you feel pleasure. Its still passion, its just different from how you express it. One other thought, EMDR is a form of therapy that is especially effective for victims of trauma. If your husband is able to work through his past hurts then maybe he will be more able to compromise and more able to embrace his asexuality and deepen his ability to be intimate.

Thanks a lot for all the valuable responses. They mean a lot to me, as I am trying to make sense, come to terms, I am processing all this information..

It's hard for anyone to go against the norm, especially when it comes to sexuality. A lot of the time, people see anything that is not the norm as a problem, and people feel deeply ashamed. Maybe that's why your husband was not strsightforward with you. It might be good for you and your husband to speak to people in the asexual community to better understand your situation and to see how other asexual-sexual couples work together. There are support forums online for this (asexuality.org is a big one), and I've come across the topic on Tumblr quite a few times. Maybe do a search? Best wishes to you, your husband, and your marriage.

Thanks a lot QuietGirl, I think this is an excellent suggestion. I will get him to join these communities so he can connect with like minded people and get a better understanding of his own situation..

Hello I'm becoming a psycologist . And what your husband has is very low saratonin levels what that can do is cause no sexual feeling at all. And 99% people never know that is the prob like he can feel so attrated to you as a wife and all but he truly can't sexually please u so if I was u tell him to go talk to a psycologist

Hi, thanks a lot for that lead. We will definitely talk to our psychologist today about that. If you have any more information/resources about how seratonin affects human sexuality that would be very helpful. thanks a lot.

Well...time's a wastin'. Living married monogamously to an asexual ain't gonna work.
What now?

bittersweet laugh of the day

"My question is why did you keep giving me all these hopes and excuses that we will someday have sex when you had no intention to, you have no interest in it, when you are not even Sexual!.."

My dear uma1980, I understand the depths of your betrayal, and all I can say is he had more interest in hiding his true identity and preserving appearances than in your well-being.

It is time to take back your life.

Yes Zsuzsilowinger , You are right thats true. It is time to take my life back..One more week, and my life will start again..

My STBX is an MtF transwoman...and I always thought the sexual reluctance she had was due to being traumatized by growing up and undergoing puberty with the wrong sort of genitals...but about a week before the end, I asked her if she had ever, before or after transition, had ever lusted after someone, had felt a desire to be physically sexual with anyone in her entire life. She said no. <br />
<br />
She still denies that means she's asexual. I think she feels aesthetically and emotionally attracted to women...and that's it.<br />
I think that the fact that she misled me to believe she became totally anorgasmic after the sex-change surgery...and then NEVER allowed me to find out otherwise...that this says something that contradicts her denial.<br />
<br />
(Yes, that's right, folks. 10 years of marriage and she never allowed me to bring her to ******.Holy jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick, I cannot fukking fathom that.)

It is utterly clear that you have to do SOMETHING, and it's also pretty clear that he's not going to change.

But there is a very obvious alternative to divorce. You may find some help in a book called "Opening Up", by Tristan Taoramino, which is available on Amazon for Kindle for about $12. I would post a link, but this site does not seem to allow that but you should be able to easily find it on Amazon.

And for what it's worth, nutmeg99 is most likely right: don't assume the worst of him; perhaps he just didn't have the words, or the self-awareness to even understand his own situation, and yours. IMHO, (and speaking from experience here), counseling is NOT the most productive way to go: they will bring their own preconceptions and either try to save the marriage no matter what, or advise you just to cut your losses.

Open relationships avoid that false dichotomy: you don't have to get everything from one person. Obviously, some things are working for the two of you, and he, at least, seems to want to try to make things work. What do you have to lose by thinking out of the box?

I wish mine would have gone for that; I really wanted to try it. :(

I know right? It seems such an obvious solution to so many different problems. But, you can only be responsible for your own reaction, and your own presentation of the proposal. The other person is also autonomous, and has both the right, and the responsibility to choose what they think is best.

But I should have read OP's other posts as well -- her husband had in fact suggested a non-monogamous arrangement (as she describes it), and rejected the idea after some rather cold-sounding economic calculations. But to each her own.

Maybe this will change her mind...before there was hope that she could still be happily monogamous with the hubby.
When I identified the problem, I realized what logically followed.
I was doing my wife no favors by trying to be sexual with her.
She was getting more grossed-out and bored with each "sex night."

So my gut feelings of "molesting" an unwilling participant were totally correct. It was very depressing and sad to come to that conclusion, but I would not touch the STBX sexually with a 10-foot-pole now.

Interesting point, which prompts another observation: there is a difference between desire, and expression. What OP seems to want is desire on the part of her SO, backed up by action.

The catch, of course, is that you can't hang your own happiness on anothers emotional state: you can only take responsibility for your own happiness, and your own actions. But, if her SO is willing to attempt to satisfy her physical needs, the issue of "molesting" an unwilling partner doesn't really apply: he's displaying a remarkable level of self-awareness by basically saying "well, it doesn't really hurt me, and if she likes it, well why not?" He is, in other words, giving what he can: the problem is that for her, that's not enough.

That in itself suggests that her relationship is working on quite a few levels, except for this (and possibly others), but they both want to try to find a way to stay together.

Which is why, combined with OP's other post in which her SO suggested some form of open or polyamorous arrangement it seemed so obvious that she should at least consider it. Couple that with some basic biology. I don't know about everyone, but when I hit my early 30's my own drive went into overdrive for about ten years. That's not exactly uncommon, and the point being, her needs are likely to increase, rather than decrease. Biology doesn't care about cultural notions of marriage and monogomy: it wants what it wants and woe to the poor soul who tries to stand in its way.

Just my 2c.

1 More Response

5 years ago I had the same experience as you do. We weren't married yet but was going to that direction. I slowly realized that he was very asexual and i have a very healthy sexual appetite. I was in love with him and we both tried to make it work. But there are something that I can't lay my finger on. I try to ignore that feeling but realizing Later I was actually ignoring my own needs. After three years of dating; i had to walk away because i started to resent him and ask what is wrong with my body. It wasn't okay with me but it was okay with him to have sex whenever he feels like it or how to make me feel better. It was not natural. It was more like a chore. I realized that it had to be my choice. I can't blame him for being asexual but I needed to let him go so that he can find happiness in other people that share the love of asexual experiences. It was hard to let him go but I love myself; I wanted to be happy and because I love him; I wanted him to be happy as well. Now I am with somebody that love to be intimate with me.

Uma, please do what is best for you. If you cannot be happy in an asexual relationship, it is time to move on. It's not fair to you to be so unhappy all the time, trust me, I know from experience.

Uma-he didn't have a word for it! He didn't know what asexual was. People know what gay or bi is, so if they ARE that and don't tell you it's trickery or in the closet. He just didn't know what it was or that it had a name. Don't think that it's some part of a master plan....it isn't! Let yourselves process this and then move forward guilt free. If he were gay, you would divorce and he would eventually find a gay partner. He is asexual and there are other asexual women out there. He can have the relationship with another person-just not you! Celebrate that you know what it is....and take steps to be happy and he should too!

This is a GREAT response. I doubt he deliberately strung you along - because he didn't know himself what the problem was. And if he is asexual, the complete absence of sexual feelings means he does not KNOW what the feelings are that you describe, Uma. So he was blundering around in the dark (metaphorically speaking) trying to understand and explain something totally mystifying to him.

I say this only to encourage you not to blame him. Find the peace you both need by agreeing to part. It will break both your hearts - but better sharp pain for a little while than disillusionment and aching hearts for a lifetime . . . . {{{Hugs}}}

Right. Agreed.

Thanks a lot Nutmeg and Enna, that definitely calms me down and gives me a little perspective of the other side too. I realize that he didnt have a word for it. But he did have feeling or lack there of..
You are right, Find the peace by agreeing to part, in a peaceful way.. I am working on that, for my own self..

This is hard. Listen to yourself and ask yourself where do you want to be in five to ten years from now with your husband. If he is still the same will you be strong enough to walk away.

I think thats good advice too, just trying to think where I want to be 5-10yrs from now..Build that picture in my mind, and I realize that if it looks anything like it does now, I might as well give up now..So change is a must and it is inevitable now..

Not much of a revelation. He has been asexual to you, and that's all that matters to you.

The revelation is more of an admission that he had No intention of having sex from day 1 , and keeping me in the dark about it and giving me false hopes about it, while I get busy trying to fix all his problems, he finds yet another distraction!

Because he has no sexual feelings he cannot understand YOUR sexual feelings. o you it is a betrayal but to him it is that he thought (hoped?) you would "get over" needing sex - because he has no understanding of the concept. My Ex is very similar . . .

I would just like to suggest here that one has to be quite selfish to hope their partner 'gets over' sex when there are umpteen talks and the tension in the house IS about the lack of sexual intimacy and there are promises to 'work on it'.

I have always advocated for letting go of the anger and resentment and moving forward. However, there is a balance between doing that and to one's own detriment, recasting everything that transpired based on this 'discovery'. Now there are comments that there were no 'master plans' etc... However, the truth is, when push came to shove (prior to the discovery), three options were offered to the OP - money and security were dangled in front of the OP to keep her in the marriage. Even outsourcing was offered. The spouse clearly understood the OP's need for sexual connection and also knew he could not provide it, and sought means to keep her tied to him.

Forgive, yes, then forget and move on. If a fully engaged relationship is what you seek Uma, I reckon that being tied emotionally to your spouse leaves no space in your heart for that. That is just my opinion mind you.

Asexual people...I guess they tend to think the sexual people are exaggerating when we rave on and on about sex, how much we want it, how we need it, why we need it, how we can do it for hours, etc.
So when they do marry, it's only then they realize that...no, we really ARE that into sex, we really DO need it, want it, want to do it for hours...
Or maybe they are magically hoping that a switch will kick on and they too will become the ravening sex monsters that everyone else appears like to them.

...This is why I want more visibility for asexuality. That way they can get together with each other more, and these disastrous sexual/asexual pairings can happen a lot less.

You are right Enna, he probably just hoped that I would "get over it" and I tried to "get over it too" for his sake, for the sake of my marriage.. But I cant. I realized that I had numbed and ceased to recognize myself in the mirror.

thanks a lot Enna for trying to put his perpective in the picture as well, that helps me feel less bitter about him and also because it helps Me to feel less bitter about my own situation.

Thank you immensely Lao, for balancing the perspectives. Identifying that I cannot keep changing myself to my own detriment. He always knew how I felt about this whole thing, and instead of being proactive and finding a balance between our needs, he chose to ignore mine, invalidate my needs, and cast a doubt in my mind that something was wrong with Me, if I had those very normal needs..

You are completely right LaoTzu... Forgive then Forget and then Move On...

I agree with you hylierandom :"This is why I want more visibility for asexuality. That way they can get together with each other more, and these disastrous sexual/asexual pairings can happen a lot less".

6 More Responses

Get a boyfriend ...who loves SEX. Enjoy.

Wow, that's such a difficult one ! Can Asexuality be treated with drugs ?

My only advice is this ... if you can find happiness in a sexless or sexually unfulfilling marriage then hang in there as he sounds like a wonderful guy.

But .... I'm not sure how long you've been married or how old you are but you run a very real risk of getting several years down the track then starting to really resent this side of your marriage ! You might find yourself craving that connection with another guy who shows you attention sexually or emotionally.

If you're planning on having kids hang in there with your lovely husband cos the sex is gonna be crap and over once you have kids anyway.

I've been married 12 years and I can tell you right now that I would rather have a supportive husband who helps with bedtime, bathtime, tantrums and sick kids any day over great sex !!!!

I've lived in a sexless marriage for 23 years and it has been hell for all 23 years. II you are a normal sexually interested person it will be a hard life for you too. Just because he is nice and tries won't change him or change you and won't make you feel the things you desire. Don't have children to fill the void it is a mistake. Leave him before you resent him - find the right person for you and maybe you can still be friends with your current husband but if you stay you will resent him and then hate him. Ever heard the phrase "I've wasted the best years of my life on you". Don't do that.

Once upon a time, you should have said "let's just be friends" after all that's all he wanted.

Uma, you've tortured yourself long enough! You two may love each other but if sex is a deal breaker for you (understandably so!) you must break free and live your life! It sounds like your husband may be better off having you as a friend, as will you. As an asexual, can he experience jealousy when it comes to physical attraction or does he experience jealousy at all? I've just recently discovered the term "asexual" for humans too! Anyway, girl you need to get your energy and vibrancy out in the world with people (or a person) who will reciprocate it!
OR some couples like this can sometimes come to an agreement where the sexualized spouse (you) will be allowed by their partner to participate in sexual activities with other people purely for the benefit of pleasure. It's something to think about!

Two years ago my wife told me that she never wanted to have sex with me or anyone else ever again. For the last 2 years she still feels the same. Once in awhile we have sex but its pretty mechanical. To her its another chore on her to do list. My feelings for her are slowly drifting away. Your situation may or may not be the same. You'll need some time to determine whether your marriage will last or not.

Whether he is or is not asexual does not matter. The why does not matter. Nothing has changed really. If he is not asexual, this gives him a reason for why he no longer need work on sexual intimacy with you. If he is asexual, the end result is the same. However, what has not changed is that he wants you to stay with him. Only now, he can say its not his fault he does not desire you - because that's how he is.

The outcome is the same as was stated before - your spouse is not into you and he does not or cannot love you the way you want and need to be loved. It does not change your options or that you have choices to exercise. Be well.

Sex is more than an *******. In the bible two people uniting as in many cultures thru out time is about the achievement of love and unity. Some woman go there entire lives without ******** and some tribes in africa mutilate female genitaila yet they still marry, love and have children. My husband is not a romantic but does everything in his power to make sure i have an ******. 90% of the time i do the other i just enjoy the closeness. It sounds like ur partner wante to please and will agree to anything. When my hub y has an impotent moment i tell him it was probably bcause i was dry to take the pressure off so he wont feel like its his fault. The more sex u have and the more love u put in helps u to achieve an ******. Breathe deep when u are about to come and b on top wiggle until it feels good and practice with ur finger or a vibrator so u can learn what triggers an ******. We have been together 10 yrs i am 32. We have sx 2 x a week i come pretty much every time now that i know how to groove it. Goodluck

You really haven't read any of the stories on here, have you

Erinn, it would be wise if you want to give advice on this forum for you to have an INKLING of what the forum is about. I suggest an in epth reading assignment of two hundred stories . . . THEN you can comment.

OMG sounds like my life with my wife

You've had a terrible shock, and you are not overreacting.

But now you have the whole truth, and it is much more clear what possible ways there are to go from here. You know now it will never change for him, with him for you.

The question now, once you have had some time to just reflect and calm down, is what do you want YOUR life to look like? What are you willing to compromise on and what are you adamant about?

Do not give up YOUR LIFE for loyalty or friendship. Live as you want to, whether that is with or without your spouse, you must live for YOURSELF.

You can continue to be housemate, friend, co-parent, etc., without being married. What does the term "married" denote for YOU, and what are YOUR dealbreakers?

I know you are leaving on business soon. You may want to spend some time away NOW just to process - do you have a good friend you could stay with for a couple days, just to get away and clear your mind?

In the end I really think you will come to see this as a gift in disguise. You spent 10 years here, you could have spent 20.

I completely agree with every advice you have shared with me Zsuzi, Thanks a million. I think you are right, the Knowledge could be a gift in disguise, I could have spend 20years in just the hoping for change part. Atleast I Know now that its not going to happen..


Maybe this is the answer? If he is willing to try...

I'm sorry that you're husband has no desire. That is hard to imagine, maybe that's why you couldn't pinpoint the problem. Alot of times I wished my husband was asexual. He wanted to do it at least twice a day and due to his verbal abuse, I seemed to be asexual. Sometimes he would say we hadn't had sex in 3 months and I'd think back because I was sure it hadn't been that long. I was fine with doing it once every 4 months or never. I would have preferred never having sex ever again. We had several episodes in which I had no interest which lasted as long as he treated me poorly, but he couldn't make the connection and accused me of cheating when I just had no desire. All that is over for us now, he treats me well so far and I'm not feeling asexual anymore. I'd never really been into sex, but I guess I'm at my peak for the next few years. Lol.

I think you have a great husband, but if I had desire and my husband never did I don't think I could deal with it. And what you said about ALMOST having an ******... I think I'd lose my mind in my current state. In my past state I had near ******* and didnt feel too bothered about it. I don't think it's fair for him to be asexual and try to keep you with him when he knows what you need. I'd probably take him up on his offer and get a lover, but I don't like not having a connection with my lover, so I don't know. I don't believe in divorce, so I'm not qualified to reference that subject since I can't see both sides. I won't judge or press my beliefs on others. I left my husband with no intent to file divorce and no intent to ever be with anyone else for the rest of my life. You should make the decisions that are right for you. I hope everything works out.

thanks a lot, We are going to go to the lawyer again tomm and add some details to that contract, to the effect that I can have sex with whoever I want in the whole entire period that I stay married to him.
I am about to burst, because I feel like an idiot putting all my time, effort, soul, faith into 'making this work'...

I'm so sorry to read this.... is really devastating. I don't think you are overreacting, but you need to be calm in order to make decisions. It's good you can see you are not the problem. You need to focus in breathing, being calm, and if you believe in God then pray. Then when you feel more calm, you make a decision and keep always your self-esteem high, no matter what, you'll need it what ever you decide. Hope you find the way to handle this.

Yes. thanks a lot maggy, I am going to pray a lot and keep my self esteem high.
Basically God just might have decided to put a full stop end to my misery in a way, because he saw how hard I was working to make this all work out.
He said okay girl here's the deal, 'He will have sex with you to please you, but you Need to know that he is an asexual'. I think maybe God wants me to stop living in this ambivalence the rest of my life..

So sorry. Just take your time. Think things through before you make any decision. Hugs.

Thanks a lot pamela, Yes I think I am going to think this through, but be decisive about it as well, and be proactive about getting out of misery and seeking happiness.. thanks a lot for the hugs!

Ask him what he suggests you do. See if he thinks you should live without sex or if he thinks you should take a lover?

Yes. He wants me to have sex with other people, he has been telling me this all along. I just Never did it, because I was an idiot, and believed in faithfulness etc etc..

well then you've got it made! You can have a bf and a husband who stays with you!

It is not unfaithful if you are honest and you do not break this 'new' faith. Chose your lovers carefully and have an honest discussion with your cuckolded husband about whether he is involved, whether or not you discuss details with him, whether you can tell your girlfriends or relations about your relationship

I am in a similar situation. (His asexuality is medically induced.) After a lot of back and forth, my husband and I have agreed to an open marriage. He said he'd rather see me happy, so he's fine with me having a relationship with other men but he's terrified of being alone. We get along well, so we're trying it out. He's been amazingly supportive, despite the fact that most of the men I've dealt with have been duds. It might be something to consider if you feel like the other aspects of your relationship are healthy.

Gosh, my situation is exactly like yours and thats the catch, because of which I was never able to leave. But until now I was faithful the whole time because I had hopes that things will change, and I was working hard on it. Now with this truth coming out, all the hopes are basically put to rest..

You are not over reacting. Even though this is his issue, having a husband who is not interested in you as a woman is emotionally devastating. It would be reasonable for you to pack your bags. Would he blame you for leaving?

No he wouldnt blame me for leaving or anything, he says he wants to work it out, he is doing everything to please me sexually but its the same thing as a closet gay man trying to please their wife, where they are not in the least attracted to the wife, only married her for social reasons, and didnt want to admit it. I think my situation is more close to it...

I understand your emotional turmoil. Please give yourself time to sort through things. Eventually, you will be certain of what you need to do about your marriage and then you will discover some peace. I have been here for 1 1/2 years and have not had a real marriage for the better part of a decade. It has just taken me that long to grieve.

I am married to this man for 10 1/2 years. No sex. I just had hope that things will change. But after learning about his asexuality the reality has struck to me, and that Its Never Going to Change. This is No Hope here.. I am feeling crazy and stupid and decieved right now..I cant take this anymore..This was the final nail in the coffin. I am trying to come to terms with this..

anyone would feel shocked, angry and deceived. I know that I have had many ups and downs trying to come to terms with my situation. I sure many times that I was not rational--but, my situation has not been a reasonable one. I have come to a decision that beyond taking care of my family, I need to be fulfilled myself. I can not change my husband and I have grieved about this. (He spends many days just sitting around in his underwear) I come to this board when I am most upset, just to make it through the days, before I
can execute an exit plan. Your husband is Never Going to Change but, you can. I wish you peace.

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