Just As I Thought Things Were Getting Better, New Devastating Revelation..I need to give a quick update over my situation.
Ever since I have been proactively working on our sexuality he is fully cooperating. We had the best foreplay and actually had sex and I almost got an ****** on christmas eve.
Sounds great, right. Not.
Christmas Eve I was fully into the the whole thing, my husband was fully into it because he cares about me, and he was looking at it as a skill rather than a release of passion or attraction. There was some piece of puzzle that was still missing.
With the whole time I have been with my husband I always felt something was missing. Just could never put a finger on it.
Here is what I am learning after much exploration, after much talk, after much research..
My husband is an Asexual man. (Asexuality is I am learning is an orientation much like straight or gay or bi is).
That was the piece of the puzzle that was always missing. Why everything he did sexually seemed fake and just wanting to please me, I had never seen that spark of desire and attraction inspite of everything. By this time we have tried testosterone, educational videos, couples therapy, sex coach, and a whole lot of stuff.
He loves me romantically, wants to be with me for the rest of his life, but is totally okay if he didnt have to have sex for the next 50years. He is now admitting that he just never thinks of sex, never has desired it, never felt sexual about any woman/man anybody, He took the questionaire on the asexual visibility network and 95% of those things they mentioned applied to him according to him..So basically he Admitted to this" I think I may be an Asexual, I can relate to everything they are saying, but I still want our relationship to work"
I dont know What to think of this, What to do about this, If at all I can do anything about this. I learnt that you can not change the orientation of a person, just like you cant make a gay man straight, you cant make an asexual man into a sexual man. He will do all the acts to please me, but never be into it.
I am feeling devastated right now. I am feeling sick in my stomach, want to throw up, almost the same as any one of you would feel if your spouse was a closet gay! Well my husband is a closet Asexual..
So basically all these years I have been fighting a losing battle..I am feeling tricked, decieved, stupid, and like a loser to not 'see' this. All the signs were there.
I know Nothing has changed as far as our sexual lives.. What Has changed is that the sudden realization of the fact that 'It will Never Change'!
Am I overreacting? Do I have any hope at all here?
Just Any advice will help me right now. Thanks a lot..
Why is this a Big deal Now?
Because all these years he kept me in the dark and kept sending me on wild goose chases, where I was trying to fix all kinds of myriad problems just to be able to get to the sex part of the marriage! .
He gave me all sorts of reasons why he didnt want to have sex:
The weather is too hot, the weather is too cold, you are too skinny, I was sexually abused as a child, I have overbearing parents, I am loser, I had too much stress, I think sex is dirty, I feel guilty for having sex with you, I will have sex when we go on a vacation, I am too tired, I am too sleepy, I ate too much, there are too many things on my mind, I have ED, I have low testosterone, I dont know how to have sex, I have performance anxiety, we will have sex when we have more money, will have sex when we are more settled, when we have a bigger home, the list goes on and on...
I got busy fixing each and every problem of his, and he was just watching me the whole time working my butt of while he was busy finding yet another distraction.
And he did this for All the 11years we are married!
My question is why did you keep giving me all these hopes and excuses that we will someday have sex when you had no intention to, you have no interest in it, when you are not even Sexual!..
I do feel like I wasted the best years of my life in too much hard work and misery..
Few more thoughts;
I am upset that when all your reasons didnt seem to work, you have in the past resorted to:
Calling me names.
Saying stuff like"you are oversexed" (hello, asking for sex 1 time a year does not qualify for being oversexed!)
You even called me a "w hore" one time. (hello, not having sex with anybody in the last 11years hardly qualifies me as a w hore!!)
You tried to instill fear in me, by saying stuff like "okay what are you going to do getting out of here, go back to your old deadbeat boyfriend!! (No I am not going back to my old deadbeat bf from 11years ago. There are a lot of good people out there, just like me!)..
You tried to wring my hands, if I got upset.
Everytime I opened my mouth to speak up to you about our problems, you have acted like a deranged man!
You could have just said, I dont have the same needs of intimacy passion or sex as you do. Why did you have to resort to all this drama?
I do need to note however that you are changing as a person now, but it could also be because I finally decided to stand up for myself..
uma1980 31-35, F 34 Responses 2 Dec 26, 2012