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Hi Everyone, I'm New Here. I Am Hurting.

I am 32 & in a marriage where I am physically repulsed by my husband. :( It is sad, & I want a divorce but I don't want to hurt him , because he's a great guy. I'm a catch myself, which is WHY I am having such a hard time in this....On papaer, it should work. I want to be with somebody that I at least want to have sex with!!! It is not fair to him either. I have not had an affair, and I don't intend to but I fantasize about other men constantly. The spark is not there, not sure if it ever was. We have no children, & I am so torn. He also makes a lot more money than I do, & he lets me know it...(I think that is his defense mechanism to get me to stay..) He is constantly asking me "how much was this, how much was that") He will buy me things and then throw it in my face later..I alway feel like I am walking on eggshells. .I am so unhappy, but so scared.......I don't even want to try counseling because I don't feel it. Please give me some advice...We have hardly any of the same interests. I feel that we were brought to each other at a time in our lives where we needed each other to grow. That was ten years ago, and I feel like our relationship has run its course and there is nothing really left except co-existing.
Enlightened8 Enlightened8 31-35, F 14 Responses Dec 26, 2012

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I am curious,,,,,,,what makes you such a "catch"???

How could you have married someone that your not physically attracted to? This isn't that hard of a decision, you either want to stay with someone you don't want to be with or you will leave and find someone you do want to be with, maybe one of those guys you actually DID feel a spark with? I think you're making it harder on your self than it has to be. There's no kids holding you together. What's more important his happiness or yours?

I don't make a lot of money...I live in the NY area. It's not that easy to leave, and he lets me know it.

Thank you so much for your comments. Bless you.

That wasn't harsh......at all.

Before a more mature love can flourish,,,,,the customary "rush" stage occurs,,,where there is at least a physical attraction.

Let's call a spade a spade here,,,,,,,,,

she married him for his money/security,,,,,,,,,hoping that she could develop some feelings for him,,,,and an attraction,,which has not occurred.

She even mentions "The spark is not there, not sure if it ever was."

Now she is all " WHOA IS ME"......give me a break.

Gotta agree with ZS. He's a good guy, yet tried to pin all the responsibility on you? These are two conflicting statements. Let your eyes see what your hands typed.

UPDATE: I let it all out last night. I cried my eyes out...I told him everything I have been feeling. He knows I haven't been happy but he didn't know why, and he thought I'd come around. He was surprisingly supportive of my feelings. He feels terrible that I have been carrying around these feelings for so long and making myself sick. (told you he was a good guy, despite his issues). I made sure he knew I was NOT Having an affair, nor do I want to.

At first he tried to pin it all on me, but I got him to admit that he has not been happy either and we need to at least explore why. We talked about the non-intimacy, he told me it didn't bother him, and he was used to it at this point. I told him how unhealthy that is for the both of us and he agreed. He asked me if it was that I didn't want to have sex, or that I don't want to have sex with HIM. I told him the truth. As gently as possible.

He told me that he doesn't want me to leave, he wants to try to work it out. He offered to go to a hotel for a few nights, but I don't see how that is really going to help....We also explored why we have been snapping at each other so much lately. Perhaps we are just incompatible? Our personalites clash. As far as going to counseling, we have both been to counseling in our past (before we even met each other), and we both agreed that we didn't want to go that route yet. Although I may still go sperately to sort my feelings out with an objective party. I know if I change my mind and ask him to go, he will.

We have both grown in many ways HOWEVER, we both agree that we are who we are , we are in our 30's, and most likely not going to change very much. We also agreed that bringing a child into this would be a HUGE mess. So, while we didn't really resolve much, we at least got our feelings out. I guess next is to see how we are going to figure out if we should work it out or move on. A part of me is SO scared that I am making a mistake, becasue I do love him, but I'm not sure that I am "in love with him". We don't have that passion, that excitement...tell me, does it really exist? OR am I deluding myself? Do I stay with a good guy because he's solid? Even though I am not attracted to him? This is so hard...I have been crying since last night.... He says he just wants me to be happy & not stay with him out of obligation.

Now I am more confused...

"At first he tried to pin it all on me"
Truly, the mark of a "good guy"...

"He told me that he doesn't want me to leave, he wants to try to work it out."
I'm willing to bet this comes with the caveat of "so long as I don't actually have to do anything, and you do all the work, I'm willing to work it out..."

"We don't have that passion, that excitement...tell me, does it really exist?"
Whether that passion will really exist for you or not in another situation, it surely does not in THIS one, and ask yourself more importantly - do you want to continue being miserable and have zero chance of that passion ever happening, or work on yourself and get yourself out of this bad situation so one day that passion has a chance?

"Now I am more confused..."
Could be because what he SAYS contridicts what he DOES... look at his ACTIONS not his WORDS.

But getting yourself counselling would be an excellent start. You will love many people in this world, but you are not meant to be married to someone JUST because you "love" them.

ANOTHER UPDATE:
LAst night he realized that this was serious, and I am miserable. He was so sad, it breaks my heart :(
I agreed to try counseling to see if it helps at all, that way I know I have tried. But I still don't want to have sex...how do you know you are making the right decision?? This is so hard....

I'm really interested to know what do you think was the main reason your not longer attracted to him sexually did he gain wieght, does he not satisfy you or is it his attitude towards you? I wish I could advise you but I can't. If I found out that's how my wife felt about me I would leave her so maybe you should do the same before he finds out and leaves you and you'll be left feeling like u miss him

Ok, I really don't know why...YES he has gained weight, he has nasty breath a lot (I have told him this, the breath part) He reminds me a lot of his father who is depressed and EXTREMELY overweight, and sometimes I feel like he is following in his footsteps. The way he eats grosses me out. It's a bunch of stuff. But I keep rationalizing "he is a good person, he loves me" I told him that part last night as well, that it makes me nervous he will turn into his father. I think the real reason was that sexually, I never felt compatible with him. I was always drawn to his personailty. After about a year into our relationship, I guess I though it was "normal" to feel that there was no spark. Now that I have gotten older, that spark is important to me, and it's just not there..plain & simple. I have met people where I have felt that chemistry since I've been married, never done anything about it, but just knowing that that initial "wow I want to jump your bones" does exist. It's nothing he did. At least intentionally. Couple that with the fact that he is always on my case about cleaning, spending $, etc, I REALLY have lost it.

You were very honest with him and it sounds like he was pretty civilized. I do believe that there is such a thing as physical chemistry between people. For me, if I have it with a man, I will like the way he smells. It's pretty clear that you are not attracted to him physically and you will need to decide whether you can accept this.

Please don't give up. I'm happy you see the good in him. You are an amazing woman in my book so far . Lets see if you can be more amazing. Find a way to encourage him or to motivate him in something. Anything . Find a orphanage and take him there. Or go to a high school football game with him. Go out of your comfort zone a bit and do a few guy things. Find a charity he is touched by. There is a door there for you somewhere you just need to find it. A goal or a purpose you can make a difference in together. If its all about money. Then find a place that he can invest in that you can personally watch his money work. Then tell him what good his money did for some cause.Men are more receptive to you when your both on the same side. God bless you honey and good luck.

Are you talking about a spouse or about a child

Mary, you know NOT of what you speak! Did you actually read the post - or just have an answer in your head that you wanted to post and stuck it here? What relevance does your advice have to the poster's dilemma?

Ach! Trust your gut and don't have kids!

I recommend you contact, in whatever order you want, a divorce lawyer and a therapist.

The lawyer to inform you of your rights when you divorce, and a therapist to help you through the process and to help you gain the tools you are going to need to live on your own.

There is nothing left in your marriage but the leaving.

The hurt will subside, so might be best to do it like an bandaid - rip it off, get help from people, and get to living a higher quality of life.

For BOTH your sakes.

I can absolutely understand what you`re going through. I`ve been together with my girlfriend for almost 8 years. She's a great woman, successful, smart, always kind to me and supporting me in all my endeavors, whatever they may be, and I love her as a person and a life partner. We get along great, we share many common interests, but here's the catch: I don't get turned on when I'm with her. Ever. I love cuddling with her, sleeping with her, but something -call it spark, whatever- is missing. I broke up with her, she moved out, but as we're very close emotionally, we keep in touch, even meet quite frequently for a walk or coffee. This is so hard when the person involved is a great person, a soul-mate even, just not someone who turns you on.... I'm still in doubt, as to how to proceed. I love sex, I need it, that's why we broke up but I'm not ready for someone else yet. I'm 36 and feel I'm too young to live without sex. If your husband is emotionally abusive to you, I think you need to get out of the relationship, even without the missing sexual chemistry. Good luck and I hope it'll be clear to you what you should do.

But he can be so good too, and that's the dilemma. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy, I am SO conflicted.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse

Sounds like you feel obligated to him rather than even friends, and sounds like he is resentful of you, not to mention abusive.

It is possible you don't want to leave him more because he may be abusive when that happens than because you genuinely fear hurting him or that he is a geniunely nice guy. Because a genuinely nice guy would be understanding, would also be honest, and would want the best for you, married to you or not.

Read here, read up on emotional abuse, and get yourself to a lawyer to see what your rights are. Whatever you do, do NOT have a child with this man until you have sorted out all your feelings...

Don't worry, you have to be intimate to have a child..something I've been avoiding! Having said that, I am NOT one of those people that think having a child is the right thing to fix it, and neither is he.

" That was ten years ago, and I feel like our relationship has run its course and there is nothing really left except co-existing." You are right... Sorry, from your discription he does not sound a great guy... Great guys do not throw things at their wives faces...and don't make them unhappy and scared...

You know what's weird? He throws it in my face if I leave dishes in the sink one morning (his BIGGEST pet peeve) but sometimes, I don't have the time to do it, so he will clean it but then ***** about it! I just feel completely stifles, and evrything he does is amplified and irritates the life out of me..maybe it's me?? ugh.

Nope, that's abusive behaviour. You metnioned below his mother was emotionally abusive. Seems he learned that lesson well and is using you as his target.

"..maybe it's me?? ugh" Very typical for abusive relationship... You are one who abused, but brainwashed to think it is you, who caused it....

First.. welcome to EP... I have been a member for a year and find it quite enjoyable.

Here's my story- I got married to my 3rd wife when I was 48, some 21 years ago.The first few years were great as we got along well and had really good sex. Then, when wife hit early 50's, 2 things happened. She went thru menapause and put on a lot of weight.. I suppose the menapause lessened her desire for sex. Her weight gain certainly lessened my desire for sex (she is 5'7" and went from 145 to 230). When we got married I thought she had a very sexy body. Now she is so fat I'm repulsed by it. We haven't had sex in over 7 years. We sleep in separate bedrooms and don't even touch each other. Frankly, the only reason we stay together is financial. It's cheaper for us to live together as roommates than to go our separate ways and either live alone (with a lower standard of living) or take on other roommates to share expenses. Children are not an issue as we don't have any.

if we were younger I would certainly want to separate so we could enjoy a healthy sexual relationship with someone else. As we are in our late 60's, we have decided to keep the status quo for the time being.

My advice to you is to NOT suffer any longer in a relationship that has no realistic future. Assess your situation as best u can then move on.

Fran

You need to search your soul. Is this really how you feel on happy days and sad? If you keep coming up with the same answer that you are repulsed by him then you have to leave. In the process, you also need to be honest with yourself about why you decided to marry him in the first place. My guess is that he is going to be terribly hurt and will get nasty, even so, If I were you I would try to remain calm and not injure him any further.

Sad for you both.

After 10 years what changed? Youjust aren't attracted to him which probably has more to do with his personality than looks or both?

Most of us here are the ones who are refused sex by a spouse but it sounds like you are a refuser & its interesting to me to understand your motivation. I think you need to be more clear on what those exact reason for having no attraction to him are anymore. Once you understand why this happened, it's time to move on b-c you are not helping one another and with children it will only get worse.

Good luck.

What changed..Well, our sex life was never good. But we fulfilled each other emotionally. He grew up with a verbally abusive mother & I nurtured him by showing him affection , i grew up with a father that was not present financially, so he helped me get myself on track financially. Now we are like roomates. Always at each others throats for little things. Believe me, this has been going on for awhile andI don't think it's fair for either one of us. BUT- the thought of having a child WITH HIM scares the crap out of me. It just doesn't FEEL right, know what I mean? Not to sound crazy, but you just KNOW when somethings wrong....I used to not be able to be intimate with him unless I had a couple of glasses of wine, now it's at the point where he doesn't even make a move on me anymore, and even with a glass of wine I don't feel it. But I want to have sex, just not with him :(
Believe me, this is killing me....He's a good person, but I don't know if I can fake it anymore...I'm not happy.

We all make mistakes in life. No marriage failure is on one person 100% He should have seen the signs too. My guess is an affair will push you over the edge and then a hurtful divorce would get even uglier. Sounds like you know what you are going to do--so see an attorney so it is more real and you know what you are in for and then discuss with your spouce.

My STBX is a basically good person.
That does NOT mean she's good for me. Not at all. Leaving her does not make me a bad person.
It's ok to leave someone who is good, but not good for you. It really is.