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Another Update

i am in for a really long ride home tonight (snow! accidents! traffic! oh my!) so will post a stream of consciousness update.

he's had some moments where he actually seemed nice over the past couple weeks. was thoughtful about Xmas gifts for me. went out & bought a gift for our daughter. (he does that every year tho). and yet...his true colours shine thru in so many ways.

the 30 day prescription for cialis still sits with only half the tablets missing, nearly 100+ days later. apparently that's my fault as the initiative for sex now "has to" come from me. since i rejected him rolling over & grabbing my hand, dragging it to his crotch one night a couple months ago on a night when we'd already established i wasn't feeling well and he'd been horribly argumentative for 2 days in a row complete with derogatory sarcasm. um, no, sex wasn't gonna happen.

he's said he doesn't "have sex," he "makes love." um, dunno on what planet it's considered "making love" when you haven't even kissed the object of your love, and the only foreplay or sexual activity is climbing aboard & pumping till you come. to me? that's not even "having sex." that's masturb@ting, using my body instead of his hand.

in the past few weeks of researching so i can be prepared come attorney or mediation, i have discovered some truly devastating financial cr@p he's been pulling. since (the latest possible but i fear it's actually earlier) 2007. the good news is his shenanigans obviate the pre-nup since he's not only been lying but also actively hiding it all from me. the bad news is, i may wind up in such bad straits that i may have to file bankruptcy to get out from under it all. the good news (again) is he may be counting on my not wanting to do that. but i will if he forces me to it.

what confounds me so much is his righteous smug superior attitude about other people in his life whom he complains about (constantly!) as to them taking taking taking & never giving--and how they're such liars and cheats. and how *he* always puffs himself up as so good, and moral, and giving, and so misused abused and misunderstood. and how he has so much integrity

i have bitten my tongue hard enough to draw blood in the past week, listening to him run the same tired story by his relatives who visited over the weekend. i'm not ready o unmask him yet. but it's hard to listen to him. yes he may have been used misused by others. but NEVER by me. and as much as he thinks they abused his trust? it doesn't hold a fvcking candle to what HE has done...to his own wife.

this doesn't even touch the core incompatibilities that we have.

he wants to come home lay on the couch way junk food be waited on and served while his wife takes care of everything including homework with our child and is content to be the moon revolving around his wants and desires with none of her own. i shouldn't even be upset that i can't even watch a show on tv once in a while because its his house his tv and hey he's the man so he's the king.

i should accept that I'll never again have a good never mind great sexual encounter again because hey he doesn't feel like it and he shouldn't have to actually put any effort into it. thats MY job.

i should "just trust" that he's "doing the right thing for the family" as regards finances and never actually question him. (because he's made such a stink about integrity yada yada i actually thought i COULD trust him all these years. what a dupe i turned out to be).

could go on but it's all so depressing and infuriating.

suffice to say i am waiting for additional documents (evidence) before i talk to him again. till then i am shining him on, as bazz says.

it's really rough to keep doing so since i found out exactly how much of a hypocritical liar he is. sigh. just have to add today's update. i placed a block against any further advances on a joint line of credit that he's been using as a cash cow for years. on monday a letter came via courier from this bank offering a limited time zero apr to assist victims of the recent superstorm. he was quick to open it, and hide it. his bad fortune i ain't stupid any more, found it, read it, put it back. he must've tried to draw against it today. he asked me "hey honey did you do something to this line of credit?" so i said yeah. he started to react--get loud. i said, i can't talk about this at work we can talk about it tonight. and i was polite but i then said goodbye & hung up fast forward a couple hours later. i sent him an e mail detailing all the monies he's taken against this line in the past 6 years. and said that's why i blocked it. we can discuss after you've calmed down and not in front of our daughter. bizarrely, when i called to talk to our daughter about an Xmas gift i exchanged for her today? everything was all peachy fine and smooth and sweet. heh. maybe he thinks he's shining *me* on.
smithy8015 smithy8015 46-50, F 5 Responses Dec 26, 2012

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I was recently shopping for an independent financial planner and ran across quite a number who advertise themselves as "financial divorce specialists", saying that one should have both a lawyer and a financial planner on the team. That could be handy in this case. At least an accountant. What a mess. Keep on documenting everything!

well, either he thinks i really *am* stupid...or he is. and he's not. the whole conversation started with him acting all innocent & naive, like "what's the big deal?"

when he saw i wasn't buying that approach he then shifted to "oh this was never meant to be your responsibility" and things along those lines. he's offered to put it in writing that these debts are solely his and i am in no way liable. yeah baby that's all well & good but in a pinch the banks will still hold me liable.

i still can't get over his whole attitude about it. this level of $ shenanigans is simply unsustainable and boy am i glad i found out now.

VB, I hear you. The ones I've seen so far, I wouldn't buy a used car from. Unless I can get a personal referral to someone trustworthy, I'll just continue managing my own stuff.

When you great ladies are finally free, I envision you all getting together, rent a convertible, and cause mayhem everywhere you go....laughing all the way!

Hopefully not driving over the cliff at the end LOL (a la Thelma and Louise?)

no, no, crossing by bridge would be vastly better, IMO!

"what confounds me so much is his righteous smug superior attitude about other people in his life whom he complains about"

OMG I TOTALLY understand this, and have to listen to this b&llsh*t ALL THE TIME from STBX. He complains constantly about how his mom could never handle money, and he does the SAME THING. He complains about how people are all talk no action - HONEY LOOK IN THE MIRROR. It's SO HARD not to just shout "WTF are you TALKING about, LOSER!!!!" these days....

Oh and this: "i should "just trust" that he's "doing the right thing for the family" as regards finances and never actually question him."

Yeah, so long as I pay for everything and never question his spending, we are totally cool - never mind he's been in debt twice for which I bailed him out; never mind that he seems to have endless cash to blow on orders from China but can't get it together to cover the kid's sports lessons...

Smithy, we are so in the same shoes, and I am sorry for you.

zsuzsi, it truly sucks, and i see the similarities. wishing you strength. ((((hugs)))))

I'm so proud of you that you're able to keep your cool through this. I bet those train rides are becoming rather theraputic :) Oh...one more thing, I think your stbx and my ex learned their techniques from the same sex coach. I called it the five-minute pump and dump. Man, I don't miss that at all.

Citing a phrase used by a new ep friend of mine...what an assbiscuit, seriously.

Come on, ladies! You got five WHOLE minutes!?!?! Sometimes I was honored with 30 seconds - no joke - or perhaps as few as two (that's right, 2) shallow thrusts before we were done. Mind you, that would've been 1 of 2-3 sexual experiences in a year we would have and he would make sure I didn't forget that "it hadn't been that long". I would cry if it weren't so damn ridiculous (and if I weren't in a better place now).

Oh sure, someone always has to turn it into a competition...lol.

But it's the kind no one WANTS to win. I'm feeling better, can't ya tell? :-)

roflol @ assbiscuit. wow...5 minutes? nah more like 90 seconds in the most recent episode back in june.

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Keep those finances under your hat until the lawyer can use them. Several reasons: when the house of cards starts to unravel people who like to pretend to be so morally superior can really lose their cool. No need to put yourself in his line of fire. It might feel good to out him but I'm more concerned about your long term safety.

Keep on keepin' on. You're doing great!

thanks change. some days are harder than others. said i wanted to go up to bed; gave the remote to him, daughter is playing game on the computer. what does he do? turn off the tv and go up to effing bed, leaving ME to stay awake so daughter can have company while she plays for a few more minutes. passive aggressive self centered bullish!t again. he's off the rest of the week, i have to get up super early, fell earlier today & hurt myself--he knows all this, yet he pulls this BS. **grits teeth**