Very Confused

I recently started a retail job after staying home doing freelance work for several years to care for my 2 young kids, one with special needs. A guy who has come in to my work several times to see me (major mutual attraction) flat out asked me if I'm married, and I honestly didn't know what to say. I have been in a sexless and emotionless marriage for 10 years and have slept alone for about 4, but I still am legally married.. My plan is to get on my own at some point, but with 2 young kids I haven't been able to get back into my old profession due to working/child schedules and financially it has been impossible. Having everybody in the same household has just worked out for childcare and scheduling and finances. It has worked out fine for the kids, although it has been lonely for me. Just having someone express interest in me after all of these years really shook me to the core. Nobody would understand if they aren't in a sexless marriage. Suddenly I feel depressed. It is like what I've always wanted is right in front of me but I can't have it. Now I feel even more demoralized and alone. What I don't understand is that I have always been an open book about what is important to me in my relationships, but I have always either been cheated on or taken for granted. Is that just the way that it is in relationships? Why is it that I have always been the one to make efforts and have been refused? I know I deserve to be loved and someday hopefully I will. I almost wish this didn't happen in a way because getting that sort of attention now makes me angry at my refuser because I have always been a loyal wife and I look damn good, so why he has never been interested in me just really hurts. I'm sure everybody on here wonders why I haven't moved on. It's money and child custody plain and simple. But even if I had money, a court order and custody, that doesn't guarantee me that somebody else would love me anyway.
ready4love ready4love
2 Responses Dec 26, 2012

You just started a retail job? I imagine this represents a real change in your life, getting out of the 24-hour cycle of others' needs. Suddenly you are interacting with many more people, whose needs can be successfully filled in a brief time--and you are being paid to do it. Paired with caring for a child with special needs and a marriage without physical intimacy, having this outlet is like a get-out-of-jail free card. I imagine that from the outside, you might appear as a strong plant that has suddenly burst free from a stifling greenhouse, and are unconciously compelling.

I imagine all these things because this is the kind of thing that has happened to me a couple of times, once quite dramatically, over the course of my marriage. The attraction is powerful and potentially combustible. It does shine a depressing light on your marriage.

Please be careful. Understand the dynamics at work. However you choose to have this play out, do so with open eyes.

. . . and, as it turned out, the guy pursuing me turned out to be exactly like my H, only I didn't realize it at the time. I ultimately didn't follow through with the guy, and felt I had dodged a bullet. Even then I knew, although I did not know.

There are no guarantees you'll find the perfect love right off the bat out of a bad marriage. But I pretty nearly guarantee the bad marriage will continue if you stay in the bad marriage.