Getting To The Real ProblemI am usually a happy optimistic gal who can easily give others a break if deserved. For months now I could feel myself becoming what I call "mean of spirit and heart". I attributed this to my daughter and SIL and their shabby treatment of me and Rob. Also the snide and callous judgement of Rob's son here on EP and how Rob suffered at the hands of his ex.
I have not felt anything but flashes of brief energy since March when we drove to Pa and the family meltdown ensued. My thought processes were slowing down and my body was racked with pain constantly. Especially my lower back. I attributed this to stress and disappointment.
Three weeks ago I started having severe chills that lasted hours. IT felt as if my very joints were pulling apart and I could not get up without Rob's assistance. The final straw was the day I ranted out of my head at things that were not present or solid. Rob bundled me up and drove to his hospital where I was admitted into critical care.
My kidneys were so abscessed that the staff expected them to fail completely. I had multiple massive infections and was not lucid for two days. I remember nothing of that time or my last two days at home.
Rob immediately on finding out the possibility of my death, called my son and daughter. My son talked a long time to Rob. Their first conversation ever. My son and his wife kept in touch over my hospital stay sending lovely flowers and offering both me and Rob support. They have a new baby boy, my grandson.
My daughter said one word when Rob called her. "Oh". Then there was her need to go and we heard nothing else from either her of my SIL since that first phone call. Whether I live or have died has no bearing on their lives and so I no longer have a daughter. This is not only about me but my husband who was so good to both of them when we were in Pa back in March. Rob was terrified. Being a member of the medical field, he knew how close to death I was. We only recently discussed this as I am well enough to accept the facts with a clear head.
To realize that my frightened husband was so easily discarded by the woman I used to refer to as a daughter and her ignorant ranting husband has clarified our lives hugely. Some people are beyond redemption. Acknowledging this is very freeing. To let go of hope is freeing. To no longer hurt inside is freeing.
I was cranky and so fatigued because I was seriously ill for a long time. Lying in that hospital for a week gave me a lot of time to think. I was wheeled out with a clear mind. I will only hold close to me those people who stand by me and also my husband. The holy trusted circle. Friends and a few relatives. Acquaintances who practice and get in return random acts of kindness.
I will continue to give respect where it is deserved. Show compassion and empathy to others. Love and trust those who have proven themselves to me. The lurkers here will get a thrill out of my illness. A fact proven and not paranoia. To anyone who takes glee in either me or my husband's pain, who act as cowards without the guts to out themselves, to the millions of people on this earth who intentional hurt and ridicule others, I have one thing to bless all of you with. Go to hell. You mean nothing to us anymore.
My real problem was not my lingering illness folks. My real problem was my giving so many people a pass, an excuse, for their intentional infliction of pain upon myself and Rob for many years. Facing death is so enlightening. It burns away all of the bullshit.
This experience has not taken away my ability to love others. Quite the opposite. I love fiercely those friends and family who have given Rob and I so much support. Hard times do separate the wheat from the chaff. What I am telling you is that now I can smell bullshit coming a mile away.
Any person on this world who intentionally and with malice commits acts to harm another will face a judgement day. I do not speak of religion but Karma. The life force that we all live with day to day. If we refuse to learn life lessons in this life, we will have to repeat and repeat the pain and agony over and over until we gain knowledge. It took my nearly dying to finally face the truth. I have no daughter and 'if there is a hell' I personally know some of the residents who will end up there. D