I have been married for 28 years and for the last 7years have went with out.His excuse is his chest hurts .He has own heart surgery about 7months ago.But this started 28years ago and ha gotten worse .I understand his health issues but I asked the drs and they said it was ok but he won't do it .I have been very understandingall these years but enough is enough.What should I do?Any suggestions ?
Kaytland Kaytland
56-60, F
7 Responses Dec 28, 2012

Hey Kay ~ You guys sleep in separate rooms? For many years? Maybe he just grew apart from you. If you don't think so, try some other things like reading an adult book together maybe a adult movie with a glass of wine.

We have slept this way for at least 27 years of the 28yrs.

Thank all of you who has responded to my story.I really thank all of u for your input.I guess it helps me to talk about it and to know I'm not the only one.

then y not go out at nyt and hav a freind wit benfits ? or get a undercover lover ? i know its hard to cheat but thats one option

Like I said before I guess that first step will he the worst.I have been thinking about that and I know that it will be bad but I guess if he isn't going to do anything I guess I'll have to close my eyes and go for it.I know I won't have any problem to find the undercover lover as u say .Thanks

Read the story "Outsourcing Your Needs" for some background on this option. So you can make an informed choice. This option is nowhere near as straight forward / risk free as one tends to think.

Thank u

Thank u for all the input.We will see what the new year brings!

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get a sex toy

Done that!
It only helps me .Thats not the same as having some one in the same bed.We sleep in different rooms by choice.
He goes to bed very early and I am kinda a night person.I watch tv and talk to my friends on phone or texting.Im usually go to bed around midnight.See we both r retired .Im 58 and he is 60 yrs old .

There is "understanding" and there is "UNDERSTANDING".

One version equals a free pass to a spouse delinquent in their responsibility, another version of understanding is accepting that it is down to you to act within areas you can control in such a situation.

"Understanding" has thus far got you nowhere. "UNDERSTANDING" could get you somewhere (depending on how far you are prepared to push it).

So how far are you prepared to push it ??

Tread your own path.

I'm willing to push it as far as I can

Well the main thing you can control, is whether you are going to remain in the situation or not. A major choice. Seeing a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you would provide you with the relevent information upon which you could make an informed choice.

If, in the meantime, your spouse chose to do something about his issues, such a course might not prove necessary, but given the history you've detailed, there does not seem much likelyhood of him manning up. Might be best to plan on that attitude continuing.

Tread your own path.

Read up on the stories posted here in this group. You will find similarities with your situation in some of the stories. It will take time to find your answers.

Well does any have any suggestions

Have you talked to him specifically about it? Does he just shrug it off, or is it ALWAYS about his health?

Yes I always and he always says the same thing . You know I'm sick.But I asked all his drs.and they say go ahead but he still won't do it.I think he is afraid to try.

So the Doctors have told Him this as well? If so, then you may be right. If he has spent so long with a health issue, he not know HOW to go about it, as well as being afraid to try. Can you just make the bold move and initiate it yourself? This would also be an excellent good time to go really slow, and make sure he knows there is NO pressure. Just a desire for his company, and a little bit of attention.

Even though he has the Doctor's okay, he is fearful. and suppose this never changes? What are you willing to do then?

Just keep on doing the same thing Nothing.He is a good provider and I couldn't be unfaithful .We still love each other but that's the only thing is missing in our marriage.

I have tried everything .I have lost 65 lbs.thinking it was my waight but he married me when I was 200lbs.So I thought that maybe that was it.I have20 more lbs. to get there and then we'll see.He say no that's not it.Its because of his health.

Please don't blame yourself, If you want to lose 20lbs, do it because you want to. It's okay to take the path of acceptance.

Yes I want and need to lose the extra weight.I have made up my mind that this is the way it's going to be.
I'm done asking and feeling bad about this just to be turned again and again.

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