Needs: A Rough Draft.

Hello, the following is being written to eventually give to my wife. I could really use some help refining my list. Caring input would be greatly appreciated. If there are any questions about what I am talking about please read my other post here or ask. Once again, please forgive my poor writing skills.

1) Every Wednesday, I am going to have a daddy daughter day. When I get home from work I am going to take our daughter out to do whatever I want to do with her, alone. She is over a year old and has yet to spend more than 20 minutes alone with me. She has yet to spend more than 20 minutes out of your sight, period. This is not normal and not okay. I deserve time alone with my daughter and to not be corrected in my parenting techniques. It is a sign of a power struggle and trust issues I feel are unwarranted and cruel towards me. I would really love it if you would take this time for you to go and do something for yourself, you deserve and need time all to yourself.

2)I do not want the dog to go to your parents house, I just want her to be socialized with the rest of the family. I would like her to have access to the entire house and the opportunity to be around the rest of the family, our daughter included. When I said that she should go with your parents that was said out of a desire for her to be able to socialize with with other packs- your parents and their dogs, That wasn't a good answer to the problem of her being isolated from her family. I think it is a cop out to offload the dog on your family rather than deal with the issues underlying the dogs original confinement to the back room.

3) Every Friday we need to have a date night. When I say date night what I literally mean is time alone together. I don't really care what we do- sit together on the couch or go hiking. It doesn't matter. I need you to make more time for me and our marriage, simple as that. I know your mother would love the chance to watch her alone and I think it would give you an opportunity to give up a little power and to trust that your mom is capable of watching our daughter.

4)Our daughter NEEDS to sleep in her own bed. I need time with you and she needs to be more independent. she is 15 months old and I really feel like attachment parenting has taken away my role as a husband. I see the value of constructing a caring, nurturing environment for our daughter but our roles and husband and wife have been neglected and this has left me feeling lonely and resentful. If we don't nurture our relationship, she is going to learn that being distant and cold as husband and wife is normal. I don't want that.

I love you. This is coming out of my desire to have a better, more fulfilling relationship with you and our daughter. I don't want you to take this as a personal attack. This is my desire to be closer with you and with our daughter and my desire to be more active as a parent. I need to be able to have my say as well. This is a 50/50 relationship, I cannot accept any less.
freeinternetcounselling freeinternetcounselling
26-30, M
5 Responses Dec 29, 2012

Just a suggestion, perhaps you should add that by making your daughter her first, second and third priority, and you her last, it made you feel as if you are no longer relevant and no longer part of the family.
This made you feel depressed and have problems concentrating at work.
Also, having your daughter sleeping in the same bed as you, is affecting the quality of your sleep and you're starting to make mistakes at work and you are worried about your job.
If she thinks you may lose your job and she has to go back to work and can no longer be with your daughter 24/7, she may then sit up and take notice.
Your daughter can have her own bed at one end of the room of course, as a compromise.

I'm not going to lie to my wife. My work is not suffering because of this, although when my daughter isn't sleeping well I end up sleeping in the living room.

Emails / letters / 'talks' are not worth a cold pie unless you have a plan to leave (if necessary) and the will to carry it out.

Tread your own path.

You've listed what you want/need - but I'm sure you've told her all of the above a number of times, am I correct?

What you need is a list of CONSEQUENCES. And more background around each of your points.

I agree too the dog one may be secondary, and should likely not be included.

I also think your LAST paragraph should be FIRST. You want her to read that paragraph for sure, and if it's at the end likely she won't get to it.

Depending on how many times you've tried to approach this subject before, and what you are willing to risk, how about something like this at the beginning and/or end:

"Our marriage hangs in the balance. There are issues that are serious and if not addressed, there will be serious consequences for all of us. It is not right that our daughter grow up never understanding that marriage includes intimacy, and never seeing us be close. It is not good for her either to never sleep in her own bed. And by driving all intimacy out of the marriage, there is the very real risk that our marriage will NOT survive, and our daughter will grow up in a split household. Are these consequences you are willing to risk?"

Sounds good to me. All of your points are valid. As far as the dog, I don't think you need to completely get rid of her, but would watch the baby closely when around the dog. Put the dog outside or in a room away from the baby if you can't have them both in sight at all times. Let the dog around the baby only when one of you are there. Good luck to you. Blessings.

Just a suggestion, but you might want to skip #2. I'm sure you love your dog, but 1, 3 and 4 are about trying to repair your relationship with your wife and child. In a hierarchy of what is probably important to you, I would think you need to prioritize.

Your real problem here is that your wife has stopped being a wife in favor of being an unhealthily full time mother. I'm sure there are lots of smaller issues this is causing that you can point to. 1, 3 and 4 start to get to the core of the problem. #2 seems like more of a symptom.

Good idea. Thank you.