What's My Problem...calling Amateur Armchair Psychologists

I'm sure we've touched on this for myself and others, but I want to throw this out there for you guys to comment, as often there are new perspectives that help me get through...

I've had a few weeks off for the holidays, and instead of getting out there on dates, I've pretty much avoided any of that for the last little while.

To recap, I've been on a dating website for a couple months. At first all the attention was exhilarating and self-confidence boosting! And I met a couple of people for coffee/chatting, which was wonderful!

But nothing really CLICKED. And as life goes on, I feel myself going there less and less, getting more and more picky about responding to anyone on the site. Meeting people is hard - two kids, full time school, yet to find a good babysitter or have the cash for any of that. My life is in limbo - waiting for acceptance letters from school or job offers.

Although I continue to feel lonely at night in particular, I feel my life is also very full. And it's been years since I've had any sort of closeness; it's almost like it doesn't really exist, and why bother chasing it?

did anyone else have this period of not wanting to meet anyone, maybe it's an extension of not wanting to be rejected? I do have that fear, it is enormous.

I think too that I am very angry of myself and not trusting of myself. Look what my hormones got me into with this marriage! I fell hard for STBX, he was my first relationship. How can I trust my judgment again?

Is it just easier to continue to push people away? Are there some sort of seduction skills that I'm completely missing? Am I just not meeting the right person?

I did go to a party about a week ago, and the hostess, a good friend, told me a few people had asked if I was single! Yet not one of them came up to me to chat or indicate their interest...

I think I maybe just need time? Maybe I'm turning into a refuser...
zsuzsilowinger zsuzsilowinger
36-40, F
12 Responses Dec 29, 2012

Hey. You are actually doing thngs right. You are spending time on your own. You are learning more about the single world and it is different from when you were last in it, and you are taking your time...these are all great outcomes so dont think its all a lost cause. My only negative opinion is the living relationship with your ex. I know he is sick, and Im not sure of the financial implications, but I reckon you are hurting your kids more by letting them see their dad the way he is, and you arent helping him. Maybe If you let him go he will get so sick he will end up getting the real help he needs. Sounds like he needs professional help and lots of it. Your kids get their happiness from yours...you need to follow your heart, you know whats right and you know what you have to do to be happy..So go and do it. For your kids. Oh...and dont worry about blokes not coming up and talking to you..we are just as friightened of rejection. But one day you will connect with a bloke, and you will take your time, and you will have a happiness you just cant imagine right now. Good luck. R

Thank you everyone. What a great group of friends with whom to end this year of change. I have read every comment three or four times and am letting them sink in.

Funny how we can all see what everyone else is going through so easily, when for ourselves the mirror is clouded, often causing despair and self-doubt. Thank you for giving me some vision and perspective.

"...calling Amateur Armchair Psychologists" It is certainly me :)... Yes, you need more time.. but try to use this time wisely. Explore yourself, read books about relationship,dating,self improvement, personality disorders... Build up your confidence and deep, strong love to yourself... Try to cherish and treat yourself with a lot of nice things (massage, beauty treatment, nice gifts), never miss opportunity to please yourself in all possible way.... Meanwhile create detailed model of a man you want to meet and click in the future.... Trust it will happen in its time... Be prepared to embrace all wonderful things ... coming....soon...

Like +++++++++++

I doubt you are turning into a refuser... More likely you are still feeling burned and distrustful of anyone trying to getting close to you. You don't want to get burned again. What are you looking for? Right now in my own relationship-that-is-ending, I am not sure what I want.... all I am sure of is what I don't want. Perhaps you are looking T men with a very critical eye (I don't blame you).... And that may take a while to get through. But then again I can't keep my own marriage together so I'm probably f***ed in the head!

I'm a firm believer that things happen when you're ready for them. You aren't ready yet, and what's wrong with that? Be as kind to and patient with yourself as you've been with your ex. Extend that generosity to YOU. Take your time. Heal. And when you are ready, things will happen naturally. There's no rush...and you have lots of happiness in your future! :)

"I fell hard for STBX, he was my first relationship. How can I trust my judgment again?" I know what you mean.

You are no longer the person you were when you first fell for your first love. You and Zsu are older, wiser, more experienced. You have learnt the lessons of your failed relationships. You may not make the perfect choice (there are a number of us here who have been married more than once!) but you are VERY unlikely to make the same mistake again!

Life is about risk. Risks can go either way. But the reality is, without risk you have nothing. If you wait for "guaranteed perfect choice" it will be written on your tombstone:
"This person died whilstwaiting for the perfect guaranteed choice to arrive"!!!


It's taken me over 2 years to ditch the anger and lack of trust - at myself, as you say.

I sense a fellow intellectual/rationaliser, and can I reflect that that has not done the business for me. Touching the "little" things in life can be very rewarding.

After my first marriage went sour I did not want to have ANYTHING to do with ANY man for the rest of my life! I was thirty two . . . Fortunately I realised this was unlikely to be the case forever more even though it felt like it at the time.

As time went by I concentrated on my kids, my health (lost weight, got fitter) and my work. I spent lots of time with friends, especially girlfriends who were also single mothers.

After some time (about eighteen months) I started to feel I wanted "more" in my life - and I too wondered if I was ever going to achieve that. I wondered if I was too damaged to attract another man into my life. My Ex had told me so often how I was such "a waste of space" that, deep down, I thought he might be right . . . .

Long story short - I began dating again two years post separation; began living with my second husband five years post divorce; married him two years later . . . And the rest is ILIASM history!

I agree with those who say you need time to heal; to enjoy your life as an individual rather than as part of a couple. You need time to let the wounds grow a tough scar - not to be so tender they can easily be re-opened.

It WILL get better! You WILL have the changes in life you want for yourself - but you cannot force the timetable. I love this philosophy of Baz's ("At some point you will attract another fine human being into your orbit") and I believe in it implicitly! Be kind and gentle to yourself - avoid gazing inwards to find fault. Tell the little voice in the back of your head that says you are somehow not good enough to "**** off!"

Post script: Once you are "ready" (mysterious term that I cannot explain properly) you will go to a party like the one you attended and the interested men will come straight to you! At present your lack of availability is somehow signalling itself to these men, even tho' they ARE interested! Don't regret that signal - recognise it as a much needed and highly valuable way of protecting yourself whilst you are still very vunerable. Once you no longer need that protection, that particular vibe will disappear! Promise!!

You strike me as a smart and intelligent woman.

Consequently, I am puzzled at the sub text I am reading here that it is necessary for you - Ms ZS - to need a "Mr Z" at this time.

You seem like a fine human being to me as you are. At some point you will attract another fine human being into your orbit.

Take this with a grain of salt Sister Z, as I personally believe that actively looking for someone inevitably results in you seeing what you want to see, rather than seeing what is actually in front of you.

Tread your own path.

Before you can fill your cup with something good, you must first empty it of its dregs. Heal well.

You are describing the mindset I had when I came off a bad relationship and went off sex, myself, for several years.

Zsu, you're not ready yet. When you are ready it will fall into place. You can't force this. It will happen when there's healing. You are still living in the same house with stbx. That makes it harder to get emotional distance. But give yourself time. Someone told me one year for every 5 years you were together. I've also heard two months for every year... About the same ratio really. Take care of you.

JustPeaches and I are starting a book club of people learning the dating world after a SM. JOIN US!!

YES PLEASE to the book club! I don't have confidence or remember how to do anything... I feel like I'm 13 again, with crushes that go nowhere, no sense of judgment, no self worth... and almost too busy to care... and overriding fear of making same mistake or WORSE...

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your confidence that it gets better.