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My Friend Has A Dilemma!

My friends dilemma:

I have a friend who will remain anonymous for obvious reasons. She has a dilemma. She lives in an almost sexless marriage.

My friend is a pretty woman with a delightful body and a cheerful outgoing spirit.

She dearly loves her husband. Although she does have sex with her husband on occasion and she is grateful for that. It is most often very unsatisfying. My friend is a very sexual person. Her husband is not.

Not knowing her husband is difficult for me to say exactly what his problem is but he is obviously not satisfying her. I am not sure if he is unaware of of her sexual needs. Or does not have the capacity to understand. He seems to lack erotic recognition and the overt sexual being of his wife.

I am not sure weather he is a traditional conservative religious person who believes sex is dirty and disgusting. Or was sexually repressed during his childhood and young adulthood. From what I know he seems embarrassed by sex and does not see the wonder and beauty of being able to truly enjoy satisfying his wife.

My friend is very hungry for sexual expressions. She is adventurous and willing to try almost anything. However, she also has this dilemma of how to deal with the marriage situation.

She is afraid to transgress her marriage vows as it may lead to further and deeper difficulties. She clings to her marriage while at the same time experiencing serious sexual frustration. She is not afraid of sex but embraces the concepts of wanton abandonment to sexual fulfillment. She would love to sacrifice her mind body and spirit to an extraordinary mind-bending sexual encounter. To a man that could take her to unkonwn places. To venture with her on a "Midnight Ride".

My friend is a loving woman. Previously instead of developing her own desires she has identified with her husband's desire, which sadly in this case are minimal. She was living simply for and through her husband. Nevertheless, her sexual desires and intense needs have made is a difficult proposition.

So where my friend goes from here is unknown. We will her tremendous sexual drive continued to haunt her? Will it eventually put her in a position to take real chances? To perhaps eventually meet a man who can satisfy her at least on a temporary basis. Will it cause her to actually physically "cheat" on her husband? Alternatively, will she continue to try to find a safe easy outlet for her needs through the Internet? At this point even the satisfaction that can be gained from the Internet is worrisome to her. It seems to unbalance and confuse.

I think with time my friend will find some comfort and satisfaction from the Internet. She will eventually become more comfortable with her needs versus her wants.

As I said in the beginning this is a dilemma. A serious dilemma and there are no easy answers. Unless her husband wakes to the fact that he is just as much a sexual being as she is. If he could understand that the two together can make beautiful love if he will just overcome his reluctance to enjoy my beautiful friend.



auspicious auspicious 61-65, M 13 Responses Dec 30, 2012

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Sex is very much a part of being married however not at all times. I am in a sexless marriage myself and religiously follows the church commandments. His being impotent is due to a surgery he had in 2002. A good husband and a good father of my children.

Yes sex comes to my mind but the fact that I'm still married to my husband therefore I couldn't possibly look for it someplace else but it never bothers me wether I have sex or not.

Some of his friends who knows his condition had made several attempt to take me out and I never went out with any of them.

I respect your philosophy to some degree. But you are a woman and maybe do not have as much testosterone as a male. But not only am I mad at my wife for this, I am doing something about it. It is sleazy and sinful, but I love women and I love sex and if she does not want to do it then there are others that do.

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I don't need sex all I am saying is that I'd be happy if I get it and if not then let it be so. But I can't cheat on my husband and remember the words on your wedding vows: " till death do us part"

But are those words real? Who made them so. I will take a chance and say that I think marriage is made up non sense. If you are not getting the sex you need than you need to look elsewhere and forget some words you said at the age of 21 or so.

I respect any decision you may have that is contrary to mine. I'm not judging you or anyone else because everyone has a reason why certain things has to be done their way.

Sex is tricky business. But if you are a man it is a little easier. Men can always just pay for sex, sleazy as that is, it gets the job done and no questions asked.

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Wow I can kind of relate I'm 34 and in my prime. My husband don't hardly have a sex drive anymore. I am grateful when I do get some but it don't last. I just deal with it and only get it on his terns which I think makes me bitchy.

Why are you having these intimate conversations with a married woman? Is it all over the net, then I guess it's ok.....

Not sure why an intimate conversation with a married woman would be objectionable. Forget the traditional marriage vows and a reach out is wonderful. Too many women and also men find themselves caught and bound in a horrible sexless situation and the internet is a way out.

True, I was always taught that in a traditional marriage, any problems are to be kept private. But I can see your point.

I am irreligious, and have studied religions and metaphysics all my life. I think t is interesting that one tenet of the jewish belief is that women are entitled to sexual satisfaction. I haven't found any others that state it, and some religions horrify me with their refusal to allow women that satisfaction (female circumcision). There are sex therapists. There is medical aid, supplemental testosterone for men. But guessing without ever knowing anything about him, sheer speculation, there is an underlying issue. I know a female 52-year-old virgin, who is addicted to romance novels. She has seen bad relationships around her and is far too afraid to take the risks. His issue? There are people who are asexual. There are people with very low drives. MY concern is for her. While self-service exists, for a woman to (albeit subconsciously) choose a man who is a mismatch in that arena. I wonder what her issues are. I am not one to believe ANYTHING happens by accident or against our own higher will.

You may have discovered the answer. She was married to another man before her current non-performing one. The previous husband was a mean drunk and abused her. She has never mentioned her sexual relationship with the first husband, but maybe the choice of the second husband was a sub conscience or even a conscience decision made out of fear. The fear of being hurt again. She does not say that and it may well not be true. Her current husband is very good to her in every other way, generous and kind. But asexual and that includes kissing. No kissing for her from him ever. It just frustrates me to no end. She is such an attractive woman.

my husband has a low drive. I don't. I have a lot of hobbies to keep busy and sublimate the frustration of not getting enough physical contact. I hope things get better for your friend.

Let us never forget this: It is the refuser spouse who is "unfaithful to the marriage" first. What any of us chooses to do in response to that is our choice. In your friend's case, the H is refusing sex. He is the one being unfaithful to the marriage.

Definitely seeing a lawyer in that particular state would be helpful to assess the legal aspects, but as far as moral concerns, he is being unfaithful first IMHO. I have posted a few stories and several comments to that effect on ILIASM. Hope this helps.

TL2

That is food for thought. I think you are right.

You have many excellent recommendations already, but I will try and hit on some other areas. She must be very careful about getting satisfaction on the internet. You mentioned you were not sure of his religious affiliations. If he is conservative what she does in her mind she is guilty of. He may use that as grounds for divorce. Depending on the evidence he is able to get from the computer it could be damaging.
Many people on EP start out with internet sex and move on to the physical; if you believe their stories, and I do.
Going along with several of the suggestions below I think it would be a good idea to try and resolve it with her husband before she gets into the internet too deep.

She is a level headed farm wife. Most of the time she is happy. It is just her husband that cannot see her beauty and romantic qualities. It is sad and she is my friend.

She is fortunate to have a trusted friend in such a situation.

Thank you. But secretively I want her in the most serious erotic way.

Tell her. TELL HER. Just tell her.

That is not surprising, but as a friend you must help her sort through her dilemma before you really complicate her life. Just my opinion.

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I your friend and her husband should see a marriage counsellor,if they have not already seen one,their dilemna is not one they can sort out on their own,they must obviously must have made some attempts at sorting it out at some stage after all this time,there must have been some sort of communication between them regarding their problem,but it was obviously not resolved to your friend's satisfaction.If fufilling her needs fills your friend with guilt it is only going to make her feel more unsettled, her loyalty to her husband does her credit.They certainly need to talk to a professional person and try to resolve this ongoing problem to the satisfaction of both,even if divorce could be on the agenda.

Is it possible the husband is asexual? Did they have a good sexual relationship early in their marriage? If so then what should be explored is what was the turning point. When did the interest decline? If he was always a reluctant lover ... well perhaps she ignored the signs? I dunno.

Be careful in how you present the concept of EP to her. I told my guy about the ILIASM group and it scared him. Once I explained the amount of support and knowledge he could gain by visiting EP, he came up with all sorts of excuses to not visit. It was too overwhelming for him. Give her just a hint of what she might find. Respect her need to figure it out on her own.

Ty. I will take your advice.

One of the best things you could do as a friend to this woman is to help her confront the reality of her situation, to take it seriously.

And one of the transforming things she could do is to visit this site, that could be the first step in a line of making changes.

If you're not sure yourself how serious this is - if your friend is not completely happy with the situation - it is a marital emergency, and also likely signals many other issues with the relationship. They are at a high risk of divorce, whether that happens sooner or later.

Thank you for your very thoughtful answer.

Your friend will have to explore options and what is a deal breaker for her.

You are always so wise. Hey you have wonderful insight.

Refer your friend to this forum.

Agree entirely. "Intermediaries" do not work so great in these circumstances. Get her to the source of the info.

I will try.