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I Also Live In A Sexless Marriage

Hi all,

So glad I found somewhere I can go and get this off my chest.

I have been with my husband for 8.5 years, married 6. We have a small child.

My husband and I had a great start to our sex life when we first got together. Except, I made all the effort and initiating. This wasn't a problem for me at first, as I was coming out of being celibate for 4 years by choice. So I was a little excited lol

Anyway, about 5 months into our relationship, my husband moved in with me. And then our sex life took a nose dive. I discovered he had ADD a couple months before this which explained why he would start to get drowsy and fall asleep right on the dot at 10 at night. I thought it was me at first, but I learned it was his medication.

I read the medication made him this way and lack sex drive, so I suggested he speak to the doctor about stopping. And he did. I thought it would've improved things, but it didn't.

Our sex life was still not good. I was in love and chose to overlook this and ended up marrying him thinking this was something I could help him overcome. I ended up getting pregnant with my son a few months later.

During these years, my husband spent a lot of time on the Internet, gaming, etc. I came across p o r n on his computer. I was pretty angry, as he never initiated sex or showed me he desired me and it started to affect my self esteem.

I pleaded with him to pay attention to me and expressed my concern over his lack of concern meeting my needs and spending alot of time by himself. I started to grow lonely in our marriage.

I asked him to have his testosterone checked, everything was fine. I asked him to see a therapist to get help for himself. Not to brag about myself, but I am an attractive person and couldn't understand why he never came onto me. It really hurt, as I was getting passes made from other people, but the one person I wanted it from couldn't give it to me.

So fast forward several years now. The sex diminished to the point where it was 5 times last year. I stopped trying to initiate. I got fed up with feeling rejected, inadequate and being the only one making effort.

He didn't seem to care enough to try no matter how much I was upset about it. Well, finally the last nail was in the coffin this past may. I was using his computer for something and found p o r n again. I was devastated and hurt. The last of any loving feelings I had were done.

The problem was, we have a small child. My choice was, do I stay and live in an unhappy marriage for the sake of him? Or get out and get someone who deserves me? Well, after alot of soul searching, I told my husband yesterday that I wanted a separation. And now he seems to be in denial. We talked about him getting an apartment, and he keeps talking about stuff we need to do around the house. So now I need to get him out!!

Thanks for reading if you got this far. Oh and in case you are wondering I am 38 and he's 34. I'm too young for this crap.
incognito78 incognito78 36-40, F 11 Responses Dec 30, 2012

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Well, we have separated. I have mixed feelings. I don't miss a lot about him in the house, but I miss the companionship I had and I feel like I have lost a best friend in a sense. I talked to him about everything.

He seems to enjoy living on his own. He told me he doesn't miss family life and the responsibilities that come with having a child and a house. He also has started talking to other females and taking his picture and sending it to them. I can only imagine what else he is doing.

Anyway, I am sad. I know it's for the best though. At least now maybe I will get some sex.

Well I am back again. This time I have bad news. I embarked on a journey to improve myself, etc and make myself better. Unfortunately that has been rail roaded as I went to have a cyst removed and it turned out to be cancerous. I am in the process of having the rest of the cancer removed and then on the road to recovery.

I can't begin to tell you what thoughts go through your mind when death looks at you in the face. I almost feel like I get a second chance at life once this cancer is gone. And I don't think the second half will be with my spouse. He has been very helpful and supportive throughout this process, but I don't see us going the distance. My feelings aren't in it anymore. Even through this process and I am saddened by that.

I don't want to focus on the marriage and it's problems, but I can't help but think about it. After m next surgery i will be left with a hideaous scar which will make me feel crummy abiut my appearance even more and having dh not show me NOW he is interested, will make it even worse.

Anyway, just wanted to give an update.

Hi again, do you really think that this is a sign of end days? Only you know that, but if every marriage where couples rolled their eyes and yelled, ended in separation, there would be very few marriages left. We all experience frustration and irritation at times, but apologies and making up usually follows. This is just a symptom of the disharmony that exists between you and your husband. It wont go away until the underlying reasons are dealt with. It would be a sign of great strength on your part if you didn't rise to it. Just make your mind up that you are not going to roll your eyes, not going to raise your voice. It isn't a sign of weakness. It isn't a sign of you giving in. It is a sign that you are stronger. It is a sign that you are making a conscious decision to not engage in destructive behaviour. Just walk away.

Glad I can help, and thank you for your words of appreciation. Keep the communication open and gently tease out a way forward. Message me here, or if you like, I can forward you an email address. I look forward to hearing from you further. It must be very late where you are............the USA I guess? so why not try to get some rest. It is late afternoon here in Ireland. Keep the chin up.

The problem that remains also is that we have deep resentment and disrespect with each other. Not the kind of disrespect where there is name calling, but eye-rolling, sighing, raising voices an yelling, etc. this is why I believe we're not far from the end. How can you bounce back?

Hi again, Happy New Year to you, and I really mean that. Yes, this is precisely what I am suggesting here. You need to nurture and care for yourself first now, and if it is safe to do so in your current situation, then stay there. It's a lot less hassle than having to deal with a separation right now. Set yourself some short term but very achievable goals for yourself. Baby steps. Realistic goals, but ones that will give you fairly immediate results and start the snowball rolling in terms of the growth of your own self esteem and confidence, which must surely be at rock bottom right now. Ask yourself the question, what would I like to do that would make me feel good about myself? You mentioned your physical appearance and the need to "tone up" so this must be an issue for you..................forget about how HE sees you, and concentrate more on how you see yourself. Now, I don't know if you have access to a gym, or if you have the financial wherewithal to join a program, but if I were you I'd be filling an ipod or mp3 player with good uplifting music. putting on some leggings and a good pair of trainers and take up some walking. It wont be long before you are enjoying it and the muscles are becoming toned again. It is also great exercise for your mind and spirit.

You say you are confused. I actually think you are less confused than you think. I think you have a fairly good handle on the situation, and that you are way more sure of what has to be done than you are writing here. I also think that you are much much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Your honesty here is quite remarkable, and I am sure that when you sort your mind out a little, and sit down and work out a simple plan for going forward, you will turn your life around.

I would still recommend that you check out the book I mentioned. I'd also suggest that you try the quiz on the web page. It will give you a good insight into what it takes to reach you. What your love language is. You may be surprised. As I wrote earlier, you cannot communicate with each other if you are speaking different languages. So, yes, a little self care and self analysis and self preservation is necessary, very necessary. So, start today with a blank page and write down a list of the things that you want to focus on. Sort them into an order of importance and tackle the easy ones first. Then watch that snowball gain momentum and mass.

Once again, I don't know of your financial circumstances, but if you can afford some one to one counseling or life coaching, it would be hugely beneficial. If not, then you just continue to explore and tease out the way forward by writing some more here. If I can help, then do write.

Wow happy new year to you also!! You have absolutely no idea how grateful I am for your posts. You've given me some really clear direction. Thank you so much!!

Hi again, I took a look at your other posting here, and Wow, you have had a rough time of it haven't you :-( So much hurt and baggage to take with you into your relationship. I am sure that when you "escaped" your bad family scene you must have had high hopes that your security and future lay in this man. It must be so disappointing now to find that you are now isolated in your relationship, and raising a child too. You say that your husband was diagnosed with ADD, so I assume he was taking ritalin or some other stimulant for this condition. As this medication has an effect on the seretonin levels in the brain, it can impact on Libido, and cause impotency. However, when medication is successful in treating ADD many sufferers find that their sex lives improve due to their enhanced ability to concentrate and not be distracted. In any event, if your husband wanted to find out if the medication is the culprit for his lack of performance, he'd have to stop taking the medication, allow it to be completely gone from his system (normally several days to a few weeks) and then see if his potency returns. It seems to me though that if he is self gratifying with ****, then he doesn't have a difficulty in the performance department, just sadly a lack of interest in his real life sexual partner. There are a few possible reasons for this. Some men find childbirth a turn off, particularly if they were present at the birth, and they are slow to find a physical attraction to their wives afterwards. Do you think that this could be the case? Has your marriage been under strain for other reasons? you mentioned an overbearing mother in law, but could there be other factors? financial, unemployment? mortgage? These things can have a hugely detrimental effect on a relationship and can very often send a man scurrying for the computer room and the escapism fantasy that they assume **** provides. **** is a monster. It can seem to very attractive and colourful and enticing initially, but eventually it weaves its web and ensnares the unwary. Once in, it becomes an addiction that is as difficult to break free from as kicking a drug habit. Most men who look at ****, do so, because it allows them to experience sexual practices that they would not engage in with their partners, or which they have sought from their partners and were refused.

Sorting out a failing relationship is a slow and difficult process. It requires a willingness on both sides to put the cards on the table and be totally honest with one another. The starting point has to be a recognition by both of you that there is a problem that needs sorting out, and a determination to stop at nothing in getting to the bottom of it.

You mentioned that there had been some form of mediation. Was this joint counseling? How did he react? was there any improvement afterwards?

Yes, you are most certainly entitled to happiness, and given your harsh upbringing, you are probably entitled to it a little more than others. But take my word for it, if you are looking for someone else to make you happy, you will never be truly happy. The only person that can make you happy is yourself. The new year is almost upon us, and with it, a blank page for us to start filling in. Start planning to fill yours with good things. Things that will build you up, make you strong, increase your self esteem and confidence. Surround yourself with positive people. Get a hobby or an interest that will give you another focus. When your husband sees the strides you are making, and the life you are making for yourself and your child, he has a choice to either pick himself up and join you, or else get left behind.

Remember too, there is a third party involved here as well. Your child. Pour your love into this child and let its world be a happier one than the one you were raised in.

There is huge potential for happiness for you in the year ahead. It is all down to choices. Make the right ones and your happiness is guaranteed. Set your sights high, and do not accept second best for you and your child. You CAN do it girl.

CM, are you suggesting I change myself first before throwing in the towel? Yes I know I need more work. I know I need to love myself first. What I am not sure of, is if I can do this while I am still with him. Are you saying that if I make changes to myself, that perhaps he will try and make efforts to change himself to? Like I'm leading by example?

You made an interesting point about childbirth. Maybe he was turned off. He didn't watch, but was in the room. But he had no sex drive before that? The sexual issues were there prior to my sons arrival. I think the problem lies in him and perhaps the way he feels about me. I am not in the best shape, but not overweight and obese, just not toned. Maybe it is my appearance.

We tried marriage counselling yes. The exercises that we were given were not practiced. Maybe we should go again? Or individual counselling. I don't know. I'm so confused. I don't feel in love anymore. I don't know if this is worth it. How can I love him if I can't love me? Can I fall in love with him, after all that has happened? Even if I improve myself?

I know I need to love my child better too. He's so clingy though. I don't "me" time. I always feel like I'm working with little time to enjoy my own space. It's all unbalanced. And this was how my mother's life was :(

Except I didn't marry an a-hole for a husband. I ended up getting a good one, who still wants to be with me warts and all. Am I crazy?? But perhaps letting him go to be with someone more deserving would be better.

Thanks for your post. I still have alot of questions. I don't know if I should let him go first and then work in myself. Your post suggests I try working on myself before I do that.

What a sad story, and not an uncommon one either. I feel for you and I can see how your quest to understand what is going on with your husband has been a fairly painstaking one. My advice to you, don't give up. A separation on the grounds of lack of intimacy? An apartment for you on your own? Why? so you can satisfy your sexual needs? This is a bit like throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Of course you are too young for this at 38. He is certainly too young for it too at 34. You loved each other. You had a child together. You still yearn for intimacy and love with him. So why give up? Do not listen to other frustrated and angry people here. Your marriage is worth fighting for. It seems to me that the real problem here is lack of communication. Intimacy does not begin in the bedroom. There is another type of intercourse besides sexual, which if not engaged in, makes the other impossible to enjoy fully. It is communication. It is about what makes each other tick. It is about you understanding what his needs are and him understanding what are yours. There is a very good book on this subject that I really believe would be a help to you in this regard. It is called the 5 Love Languages. It is written by Dr. Gary Chapman, and has been a real life saver for me. It showed me how little I really understood about my wife's needs. It also taught me what was really important to me, and how I should communicate this to my spouse. Of course, it wasn't easy. But understanding what needed to be done was the crucial first step. It worked for us, it may work for you. Give it a try. Here is the website link. I hope 2013 is the start of a better life for you. I wish you all that is good.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

You're very kind. I will read the book, it sounds good. Unfortunately my heart hasn't been in this for quite some time. The sexual intimacy is just a tip of the iceberg. There are other issues that have affected me. He has been depressed, he was looking at online p o r n rather than be with me. It is not me that needs to make the effort, it is him. And he's not willing to. I have been having this conversation with him for years without resolve. What am I supposed to do? Spend the rest of my life unhappy and unfulfilled?

you sound exactly like me. my STBX basically shut down intimacy after we got married. we've been married for 9 years now, with two young boys. the book is good to read, and it's good to know what your love language is, but like you said, he's not willing to. and that was the hardest thing to accept. that he isn't willing to change, doesn't want to change, is ready to move on or be happy with the status quo. you have spent a good chunk of years trying to make change happen where it will just not. ever. just speaking from experience. i say cut it now, instead of live miserably for the rest of time.

Your last line is the best: "I'm too young for this crap." Absolutely!

"I told my husband yesterday that I wanted a separation. And now he seems to be in denial. We talked about him getting an apartment, and he keeps talking about stuff we need to do around the house. So now I need to get him out!!"

Oh boy are we living the same life....I am in this position as well. And dreading the eventual possibility of having to get a lawyer involved...

He's stalling...my ex did the exact same thing. Try to explain to him that he's putting the cart before the horse. The two of you need to figure out your entire asset picture and decide if you even need to sell the house. Fixing it up should be the least of his worries...

Good luck.

Search for the story "You Pay Now - the Kids Can Pay Later". That story, and comments there-on, debate the pro's and cons of 'staying for the kids'.

You may find it enlightening, you may find it not. But it will cost you nothing to read it, think about it, and use the information to make an informed choice.

Tread your own path.

Bazzar, I am one of those kids. That's why I am in the situation I am in. My parents were unhappy together. That is why I need to end this. I don't want my son going through what I did.

We all live once and you need to enjoy your own life.not to sound selfish i understand you want the best for your kid but just because you want to seperate doesnt mean your kid going to loose his father..at the end of the day your child is going to grow and start his/her own life and then whos going to stay behind with all that time wasted