I Also Live In A Sexless Marriage

Well I am back again. This time I have bad news. I embarked on a journey to improve myself, etc and make myself better. Unfortunately that has been rail roaded as I went to have a cyst removed and it turned out to be cancerous. I am in the process of having the rest of the cancer removed and then on the road to recovery.

I can't begin to tell you what thoughts go through your mind when death looks at you in the face. I almost feel like I get a second chance at life once this cancer is gone. And I don't think the second half will be with my spouse. He has been very helpful and supportive throughout this process, but I don't see us going the distance. My feelings aren't in it anymore. Even through this process and I am saddened by that.

I don't want to focus on the marriage and it's problems, but I can't help but think about it. After m next surgery i will be left with a hideaous scar which will make me feel crummy abiut my appearance even more and having dh not show me NOW he is interested, will make it even worse.

Anyway, just wanted to give an update.

Hi again, do you really think that this is a sign of end days? Only you know that, but if every marriage where couples rolled their eyes and yelled, ended in separation, there would be very few marriages left. We all experience frustration and irritation at times, but apologies and making up usually follows. This is just a symptom of the disharmony that exists between you and your husband. It wont go away until the underlying reasons are dealt with. It would be a sign of great strength on your part if you didn't rise to it. Just make your mind up that you are not going to roll your eyes, not going to raise your voice. It isn't a sign of weakness. It isn't a sign of you giving in. It is a sign that you are stronger. It is a sign that you are making a conscious decision to not engage in destructive behaviour. Just walk away.

Glad I can help, and thank you for your words of appreciation. Keep the communication open and gently tease out a way forward. Message me here, or if you like, I can forward you an email address. I look forward to hearing from you further. It must be very late where you are............the USA I guess? so why not try to get some rest. It is late afternoon here in Ireland. Keep the chin up.

Hi again, Happy New Year to you, and I really mean that. Yes, this is precisely what I am suggesting here. You need to nurture and care for yourself first now, and if it is safe to do so in your current situation, then stay there. It's a lot less hassle than having to deal with a separation right now. Set yourself some short term but very achievable goals for yourself. Baby steps. Realistic goals, but ones that will give you fairly immediate results and start the snowball rolling in terms of the growth of your own self esteem and confidence, which must surely be at rock bottom right now. Ask yourself the question, what would I like to do that would make me feel good about myself? You mentioned your physical appearance and the need to "tone up" so this must be an issue for you..................forget about how HE sees you, and concentrate more on how you see yourself. Now, I don't know if you have access to a gym, or if you have the financial wherewithal to join a program, but if I were you I'd be filling an ipod or mp3 player with good uplifting music. putting on some leggings and a good pair of trainers and take up some walking. It wont be long before you are enjoying it and the muscles are becoming toned again. It is also great exercise for your mind and spirit.

You say you are confused. I actually think you are less confused than you think. I think you have a fairly good handle on the situation, and that you are way more sure of what has to be done than you are writing here. I also think that you are much much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Your honesty here is quite remarkable, and I am sure that when you sort your mind out a little, and sit down and work out a simple plan for going forward, you will turn your life around.

I would still recommend that you check out the book I mentioned. I'd also suggest that you try the quiz on the web page. It will give you a good insight into what it takes to reach you. What your love language is. You may be surprised. As I wrote earlier, you cannot communicate with each other if you are speaking different languages. So, yes, a little self care and self analysis and self preservation is necessary, very necessary. So, start today with a blank page and write down a list of the things that you want to focus on. Sort them into an order of importance and tackle the easy ones first. Then watch that snowball gain momentum and mass.

Once again, I don't know of your financial circumstances, but if you can afford some one to one counseling or life coaching, it would be hugely beneficial. If not, then you just continue to explore and tease out the way forward by writing some more here. If I can help, then do write.

Hi again, I took a look at your other posting here, and Wow, you have had a rough time of it haven't you :-( So much hurt and baggage to take with you into your relationship. I am sure that when you "escaped" your bad family scene you must have had high hopes that your security and future lay in this man. It must be so disappointing now to find that you are now isolated in your relationship, and raising a child too. You say that your husband was diagnosed with ADD, so I assume he was taking ritalin or some other stimulant for this condition. As this medication has an effect on the seretonin levels in the brain, it can impact on Libido, and cause impotency. However, when medication is successful in treating ADD many sufferers find that their sex lives improve due to their enhanced ability to concentrate and not be distracted. In any event, if your husband wanted to find out if the medication is the culprit for his lack of performance, he'd have to stop taking the medication, allow it to be completely gone from his system (normally several days to a few weeks) and then see if his potency returns. It seems to me though that if he is self gratifying with ****, then he doesn't have a difficulty in the performance department, just sadly a lack of interest in his real life sexual partner. There are a few possible reasons for this. Some men find childbirth a turn off, particularly if they were present at the birth, and they are slow to find a physical attraction to their wives afterwards. Do you think that this could be the case? Has your marriage been under strain for other reasons? you mentioned an overbearing mother in law, but could there be other factors? financial, unemployment? mortgage? These things can have a hugely detrimental effect on a relationship and can very often send a man scurrying for the computer room and the escapism fantasy that they assume **** provides. **** is a monster. It can seem to very attractive and colourful and enticing initially, but eventually it weaves its web and ensnares the unwary. Once in, it becomes an addiction that is as difficult to break free from as kicking a drug habit. Most men who look at ****, do so, because it allows them to experience sexual practices that they would not engage in with their partners, or which they have sought from their partners and were refused.

Sorting out a failing relationship is a slow and difficult process. It requires a willingness on both sides to put the cards on the table and be totally honest with one another. The starting point has to be a recognition by both of you that there is a problem that needs sorting out, and a determination to stop at nothing in getting to the bottom of it.

You mentioned that there had been some form of mediation. Was this joint counseling? How did he react? was there any improvement afterwards?

Yes, you are most certainly entitled to happiness, and given your harsh upbringing, you are probably entitled to it a little more than others. But take my word for it, if you are looking for someone else to make you happy, you will never be truly happy. The only person that can make you happy is yourself. The new year is almost upon us, and with it, a blank page for us to start filling in. Start planning to fill yours with good things. Things that will build you up, make you strong, increase your self esteem and confidence. Surround yourself with positive people. Get a hobby or an interest that will give you another focus. When your husband sees the strides you are making, and the life you are making for yourself and your child, he has a choice to either pick himself up and join you, or else get left behind.

Remember too, there is a third party involved here as well. Your child. Pour your love into this child and let its world be a happier one than the one you were raised in.

There is huge potential for happiness for you in the year ahead. It is all down to choices. Make the right ones and your happiness is guaranteed. Set your sights high, and do not accept second best for you and your child. You CAN do it girl.

What a sad story, and not an uncommon one either. I feel for you and I can see how your quest to understand what is going on with your husband has been a fairly painstaking one. My advice to you, don't give up. A separation on the grounds of lack of intimacy? An apartment for you on your own? Why? so you can satisfy your sexual needs? This is a bit like throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Of course you are too young for this at 38. He is certainly too young for it too at 34. You loved each other. You had a child together. You still yearn for intimacy and love with him. So why give up? Do not listen to other frustrated and angry people here. Your marriage is worth fighting for. It seems to me that the real problem here is lack of communication. Intimacy does not begin in the bedroom. There is another type of intercourse besides sexual, which if not engaged in, makes the other impossible to enjoy fully. It is communication. It is about what makes each other tick. It is about you understanding what his needs are and him understanding what are yours. There is a very good book on this subject that I really believe would be a help to you in this regard. It is called the 5 Love Languages. It is written by Dr. Gary Chapman, and has been a real life saver for me. It showed me how little I really understood about my wife's needs. It also taught me what was really important to me, and how I should communicate this to my spouse. Of course, it wasn't easy. But understanding what needed to be done was the crucial first step. It worked for us, it may work for you. Give it a try. Here is the website link. I hope 2013 is the start of a better life for you. I wish you all that is good.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Your last line is the best: "I'm too young for this crap." Absolutely!

"I told my husband yesterday that I wanted a separation. And now he seems to be in denial. We talked about him getting an apartment, and he keeps talking about stuff we need to do around the house. So now I need to get him out!!"

Oh boy are we living the same life....I am in this position as well. And dreading the eventual possibility of having to get a lawyer involved...

He's stalling...my ex did the exact same thing. Try to explain to him that he's putting the cart before the horse. The two of you need to figure out your entire asset picture and decide if you even need to sell the house. Fixing it up should be the least of his worries...

Good luck.

Search for the story "You Pay Now - the Kids Can Pay Later". That story, and comments there-on, debate the pro's and cons of 'staying for the kids'.

You may find it enlightening, you may find it not. But it will cost you nothing to read it, think about it, and use the information to make an informed choice.

Tread your own path.