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Back. New Name, Same Sitch.

Hi guys,

I was formerly catliz75, when I got all paranoid about my posts and deleted my profile. Now, I really need you guys more than ever, and apologize for leaving so hastily like that. I missed you all and missed my outlet for my frustrations. Hoping you'll take me back. :)


To catch you up to where things have gone since I left earlier this month:

Just as I had retained an attorney and met with her to go ahead and file, I come home that night and was approached my my STBX that he had already filed. He told me as I was laying in bed about to go to sleep. Nice one there dude. Needless to say, I was pissed out of my mind. It has been one thing after another, and gotten really nasty in the last two weeks. He even called the police to our house claiming assault one night. Total bullshit.


So, here I am, deep in the throes of divorce with a full on Passive Aggressive. Good times. Glad to be back.
txmusicgal txmusicgal 36-40, F 16 Responses Dec 30, 2012

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pariniod about your posts?
Omg txmusicgal.....
Boy I wish I had of been....
ex hacked into every account I had last week?
I'm still in shock!!!
I have pulled back from talking too....
cause things have taken a turn and really gotten nasty here too in the last few weeks...
Totally can understand!

I see my lawyer on the 31st...but???
he did the same and dropped the bomb that he has filed papers with his last week to over ride me and list our house asap?

I seen my cousellor this morning...
was advided against mediation cause there is no verifying of any details that a lawyer does...

I love emma30's comments!!
So bang on!
mine is saying he will take the kids too....cause he knows it is the only thing that will get to me now!
and being calm is not my strong point either anymore....

He is trying to play games just like yours seems to be?

feel like I am fighting for my life too!!!!!

I am glad your back!

So sorry your are going through that!! Time to lawyer up!!

I recommend against mediation. My experience is very bad and there is no appeal, typically. So sorry you are in this situation. I hope it can become more peaceful and be resolved quickly.

What about divorce mediation instead of lawyers?

i would have preferred mediation, and technically it's not too late for mediation, but since he filed on the 14th of this month, it's gone from a simple filing to nasty, very, very quickly. also, mediation is an additional 4-6k on top of attorney's fees. ugh. but the door on that has not been closed completely.

Well, that sucks. :(

i know, right? sucks big time.

cl, don't try to hide any $$.that will work against you. don't sell anything. keep it all handy to be sold. find a safe place to lock it all up out of his reach, include yours, and your children's ID's of all kinds: soc sec cards, passports, birth certificates, etc. lock it all up safely, out of his reach. include jewelry or anything else of value that you could sell, or that he could find a way for it to become misplaced.

ok, thanks smithy. i don't want to 'hide' stuff, bc we are both financially responsible for mortgage, bills, day care, cars, groceries, etc. right now, and need each other's salaries to pay these things off. but, maybe i can figure out a good way to do this without ******* him off. ugh.

at this point i think it's better for you to focus on how to get through this in as equitable a way as possible--while protecting *you* and your children as much as possible. you will need to do both.

someone posted an article that was in the huff post about sexless marriages. google that article. then go to the author's website....and follow the various links from her website to articles she's written about the divorce process, very helpful stuff there. all based from about dot com, and really good content is there.

above all remember to stay calm. be calm. it is 100 percent awesome advice to make time in the morning and again at night to center yourself, find your calm, and focus on all the reasons why you're doing this, their relative importance, and how being the "bigger" person is not the same as being a pushover, and in the end helps you and your children.

xo

thank you for the support, really. being calm is not my forte, at all. i think you are referencing Cathy Meyer? She writes all the divorce stuff on about.com. i like her writing. i'll go back and look at that.

My children's father tried this crap on me way back in the early eighties. All the stuff about "you have no idea how crazy you are" etc. etc. etc. He actually told me he was going for custody because he knew how much it would hurt me . . . Long story short - he never even TRIED for custody!! I was frantic about losing my children - and that is exactly what he wanted - for ME to suffer.

I strongly suspect that your STBX is playing the same sick game, Cat. So much wisdom here - just try to follow the great advice already given. Just a few points to add:

1) see the counsellor yourself. Describe his crazy making behaviours. Tell the counsellor everything that he is doing.

2) see the doctor. Tell him/her that your STBX is causing you huge anxiety and stress. If you don't want to take any meds (you may feel you don't need any) just say you want this on record in case the need for meds arises in the future.

By getting your position in front of professionals you have a greater chance of success IF he chooses to play hardball. Your lawyer can subpoena them to attend any hearings or ask them for their records to support your case.

3) take your name off all accounts if feasible - and definitely arrange for them to be paid as they occur rather than as a regular deduction. When accounts do arrive, share the cost equally. Be scrupulous about paying your correct amount - do not give him ANY ammunition to use against you. (As in "she doesn't pay her share".)

4) document EVERYTHING! Keep a diary and write down every single thing that happens - and your response. This has a dual advantage - knowing you are keeping a written record will act as a brake on your own behaviour. (Who wants to write down "I completely lost it for the fourth time today!" lol) AND it serves to describe the lengths he will go to in order to provoke you. This too can be subpoenaed and used to support you if it comes to a custody battle.

Add your emotional responses. Such as "I am so very tired of all this stress. Why can we not just agree to separate and do so with dignity and grace? Why does he insist on making this a battle?" OR: "My efforts to keep things cordial and respectful seem to be hopeless. No matter how hard I try to do this, he works against me at every point."

This documents YOUR efforts to resolve things with respect and fairness. It also highlights HIS gaslighting behaviour. Even if this is never needed in court (and I hope it isn't!) it can be a very useful way for you to express your own feelings and discharge some of your own stress.

5) build stress relievers into your own life - make sure you do something at least twice a day that helps. Make this a conscious choice and remain mindful to the need to release stress. Consider this a vital investment in your own health and in your children's future. This is NOT a "Well, I'll do that if I can make time" choice - it is ESSENTIAL If you are to come out of all this reasonably sane!!! {{{hugs}}}

Great advice, esp about taking time to protect your own mental/emotional/spiritual/physical health!

1) see the counsellor yourself.

- I have an appointment with both my Psychiatrist and my personal therapist this week, and I will make sure they are kept up to date, like I've been doing. Not sure about the couple's therapist, seems counterproductive at this point, or risky.

2) see the doctor.

- Again, I see the Psychiatrist this week to discuss my meds, see where my anxiety and depression levels are, and I want him to know how nasty this is getting, i.e. him taking my prescription med and then making it 'magically' reappear. Thank GOD my mom was here during that to be a witness.

3) take your name off all accounts if feasible

- I have all accounts in my name, but again, all of our accounts are 'linked'. I pay all bills, all bills are in my name, but both our names are on deed for mortgage for house, and for my auto loan. As soon as I can step away here, I'll run to my bank and see what they can do to separate our names.

4) document EVERYTHING!

- This is good advice, and something I knew to do, but have not been good at. I may use this as my diary. ;)

5) build stress relievers into your own life

- I have not been good at this. I'm up at 6am with the kids, work all day, come home to my 2nd job (the kids, hehe) and fall asleep at 10pm ish, rinse and repeat for 5 days during the week and full time mom on weekends. I do not make time for myself, except for the couple hours I have between the time kids go to sleep to time i go to bed. I need to make more of an effort on this.

(((hugs))) back. missed you guys. :(

I've already left lots of comments below, so all I'm going to say is this: the one who stays calm wins. ALWAYS. Let go of the material objects and all his bullshit provocations. Cultivate non attachment. Breathe and stay calm and he will take himself down. He is obv unstable and it's only a matter of time before he shoots himself in the foot---just stay out of the range of fire. This guy is going down, you barely need to do anything but get a top notch lawyer and stay out of the way.

"...the one who stays calm wins..."

"This guy is going down, you barely need to do anything but get a top notch lawyer and stay out of the way."

well said, and points taken.

good to see you, tho nut under the circumstances--i was concerned about you.

seems the concern was warranted.

agree wholeheartedly with the prior posters. i'll try to be succinct, would you rather be "right" in this little battle of wills? or would you rather win in the long run?

if you'd rather win in the long run (and make no mistake that's what you're up against here)--then it is absolutely imperative that you maintain flawless, rigid control, at all times, in *every* encounter between you and your STBX. take a piece of bitter experience advice: putnIN WRITING to every single financial and medical institution that (1) you are not responsible for ANY expense or debt other than incurred directly by you (2) put a block against any accounts that you can for him to draw against (3) forbid the release of any of YOUR information to anyone other than YOU without your direct authorization, knowledge, and approval. do it now, via fax, and follow up via certified mail return receipt. do it yesterday. you get the drift. urgency is of the essence. impress that upon your drs and financial institutions, tell them you're at the beginning of a very bitter divorce battle and you will hold them accountable if they don't respect your directions.

as for dealing with his baiting tactics: bring in someone you trust. or, record every single encounter. tell him you're doing it. never be alone with him without some means of recording the encounter.

if you haven't already clean up your electronic trails. change user names and or passwords. whenever he provokes you, instead of reacting (which is what he's looking for)---don't reward him. reward yourself. smile. say something suitable to the comment or provocation which is the opposite of what he's looking for: if he's looking for you to be angry b/c he has your iPad, tell him that's okay it'll come out in discovery or court that you've done this. i am documenting it. (you get the idea?)

be calm. you can spend however much time you want later when the hard part is over--ranting and being angry. be calm, now, while you need to be.

xo

thanks smithy. i'm sorry i never replied back to your email, yes, concern was very warranted. it got crazy, bat-**** crazy over here. i don't want to be right, being right is not going to get me anywhere, i've realized that. but i do want this to be about the kids, not about us fighting for ourselves. i do want to be in a good financial place in our settlement, but with the best result possible for our kids. that's my main goal. i deserve everything, but am willing to settle so our kids are happy. he's going below the belt for himself only, not for the kids, even though he claims that is what his main goal is.

i have changed settings on all my email accounts, taken him off of admin privileges on our home computer, so he can't access my side of the hard drive, and asked my attorney and close family to only use my cell phone and work email address for emails, bc of security.

only thing is this, splitting up accounts. when do i do that? we have all our banking at the same institution, and our accounts have each other's names on them, even though they are all individual, they are 'linked' not 'joint'. make sense? also, all the utility bills are in my name for the house, car and house insurance in my name, cell phones in my name - we have two diff. #'s, but they are under my account. the filing had an addendum that said things should not be altered yet, but i have a feeling he's already opened additional accounts in his own name as well as other individ. credit cards. i just checked my credit report and score last week and it was solid, so, i'm getting updates on that for now to make sure he's not pulling anything.

i'm also on his health insurance, as are the kids, so doesn't he kind of defacto have access to my records/visits, etc. bc it's in his name through his employer? Not sure. I guess I need to get my own insurance through my temp agency.

split the accounts now. doctors are obligated to protect your privacy; if you contact them and tell them to keep your records private and only respond to YOUR inquiries, they would be liable for a lot of damages. do NOT get your own insurance. keep as much as possible as it is now. just be sure to shut down his access to your information and/or access to credit/money.

open an account with one of the credit agencies to monitor your credit; include the option to receive "alerts" when anything changes or any inquiries are made. it's worth the small monthly charge. believe me.

place a fraud alert on your credit file with all 3 agencies, and also a block against inquiries. this is another way to protect yourself throughout this process.

hugs to you. xo

all good points. thanks. i'll head to the bank now to see what i can do immediately. i did open an account with the credit agencies, but will change it to the above recommendations. this is like being a private investigator. geez.

hugs back. :)

This is very very good advice. The first thing I did was change all my passwords, kick him out of my FB account, google calendar, etc etc. Find the paperwork for your home and any other legal documents and put it in a safety deposit box that only you can access. Today. Open a bank account in a different bank and sock some money away that he can't touch, if you can. For example, if you can sell some jewelry or valuables, put the cash there. You may need it.

ok. good advice. if i could get my damn wedding and engagement ring off, i'd sell that. lol. i'll go to the bank where our accounts are today, and also call my other institution, my insurance company, to set up a bank and savings account. i already have my IRA's there, as well as my car loan, so that shouldn't be too bad.

Do not even think about settling on anything just for the good of the kids. If you try to take the high road and admit that compromise is possible, he will play you for all its worth and you will end up with much less than you would have compromised for. While I do not know this from divorce experience, I do know this from negotiation experience. You can admit this to us, but not to him.

If it were me, I'd do it someplace that wasn't connected to any other accounts. Like ING online or a local bank. Hate to sound paranoid, but you may need fast cash for emergencies if **** really hits the fan. Don't sell anything he might notice. Try to be as subtle as possible. Even if you never use the $$, it will give you peace of mind. And when you get to the settlement, you can reveal and split it if the lawyer tells you to.

It's a totally different situation, since I don't have kids----but I didn't ask my H for anything. His parents are multi-millionaires, he has a 401K, other investments, maybe even cash socked away----I didn't ask for a penny. I just wanted to be FREE. In your case, you have to get support for your kids, but I would save my energy for fighting for that, ipads and the rest be damned. They are replaceable.

tmbawo - i don't want to settle for settlement's sake, just to get 'out'. i want what's in my best interest, which in turn will be best for the kids. imho. i want to detail what i feel is a fair settlement that will benefit me financially and the kids emotionally. sound right?

ny - i do have an account in my own name, an online savings account, used to be our joint savings, but it's only in my name, not his. i'll talk to financial institutions today to see what is best. my in laws have tons of dough too, my family does not. so that is why they are getting involved, bc they have the cash to fight this, and try to take me down, in THEIR best interest, not the kids'. i have been the main breadwinner for years, until i quit my job 2 years ago, and supported my H financially while he did his music thing, as well as deciding to work part time on his design career. i've done a lot financially for us, but in his benefit. so, even though it's all considered 'community', i feel like i deserve more based on my contributions throughout our marriage. not that i want to 'win' but i want what's fair. you know?

Of course you deserve it in principle, and I hope you get it. It will depend on the laws there and your lawyer. I would just say, keep your eyes on the prize: freedom. Everything else is replaceable.

as william wallace said: FREEDOM!! ;)

eye is on the prize.

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this is my third account. i got paranoid too xx

oh whew. i'm not alone in my paranoia. i hate that i deleted all my stories though. i'll give a detailed back story for those who are like who are you?? :)

Hey cat...we're here for you, regardless of your ID :)

hahaha. thanks peaches. :)

You need to start every day with the thought: what do I want a year from now? And the rest can fall by the wayside.

Every time he tries to start a fight with you, recognize this is him feeling out of control. It's HIS weakness. Don't let it be yours.

I hear you below, I understand. It's really hard to let things go.

Once you accept that this is mostly out of your control, really accept that, and just do what you can, you will be in a better position to state exactly what you want and need and fight just for that - through your attorney. Because being honest with HIM is just throwing fuel on his fire.

Hang in there. You are on your way to a better life.

this is so good and true to see, thanks. i need to also remind myself that letting go is not giving up. :) it's using my anger to fuel my own fire to get what i need for myself and my kids. i don't even talk to him anymore, i'm keeping it short, sweet, and via email, with my attorney bcc'd on everything.

Oh yeah.....when my hubby was leaving the second time around I simply asked him to state why.....he grabbed his phone and called the freakin cops...said i wouldn't let him leave...I asked once very calmly why was he leaving yet again......whatever....

oh geez. what a nightmare. that sounds very familiar.

Oh man. Sorry to hear that your STBX is being such a dickhead. Hey, look at it this way: he is making your decision to divorce much easier.


Maybe you should have your mom come stay with you for a while so that you have a witness to events.

Ooo, I like the idea of a third party in the house to diffuse tensions and bear witness. BUT--make sure you discuss this tactic with your lawyer first! You don't want to inadvertently bring in anyone who might ultimately be used against you.

thanks misslee. she was here for a few days over Christmas, and it did totally help diffuse the situation. also, she saw the behavior I've been referencing first hand: his sideways anger, his demeaning comments, his lies to me and the kids.

I think he wanted my mom there so she could be a witness to MY behavior, and so he and his family could SWAY her to their side, not to be in anyone's best interest but his, he's trying to cover his *** in every way possible. I told my mom that was stupid, and to this day, since Dec. 15th, he's never admitted he called her, nor have I brought it up with him. My attorney said it's BS and he can't do that. We all had a good laugh. It's not my mom's responsibility to get in the middle of this, and it's not his parent's place to start directing H on how to 'win at all costs'. IT'S NOT THEIR EFFING MARRIAGE OR DIVORCE.

So good to see you! But the words "welcome back" in connection with this board don't sit exactly well :)

My reaction is coming just from my gut, but be very, very careful about the friction right now. STBX is most likely documenting every single word and incident to cast you in the most unfavorable position possible. You need your attorney to fight for you like a street dog. Keep your own journal with situation, date, time, and as much dialogue as you can remember to counter each of these, as well as anybody who can back up your side of the story. I am worried that STBX may be gearing up for a nasty custody battle.

Hugs, hugs, and moral support coming your way.

. . . well, yes, you did say he's trying to force you into crazy behavior and then document it. Make your attorney aware of this, and make very sure said attorney can fight this crap.

hi! good to see you too! and yeah, not good circumstances, huh? ;)

yup, that's exactly what this is about, the kids and the house. lawyer basically tells me to dismiss it all and move forward. but, come on, at some point isn't this considered invasive and illegal?? also, the other morning, mysteriously, a prescription i take 'disappeared' from my purse, only to magically appear in a place i'd already looked. hmmm. me being blind? i think not. lawyer says "yeah, he probably took it to make a copy of it. are you following your doc's orders? taking meds as prescribed? then don't worry about it." blasé? I don't know. she's been doing this for 30+ years so i trust her judgment, i guess?

Has she laid out her strategy for you? If not, then make her explain how not worrying/doing nothing about it is supposed to work in your favor. By "dismiss it all and move forward," does she mean be prepared to lose both house & custody? You need more specifics from this lawyer. I personally would take immediate steps to secure all paperwork and medical records. Tell your therapist/doctors that they no longer have permission to talk to H about you, if they ever did have permission for shaing that information with him. Ask if you need to sign documents to protect your privacy.

See, sage advice again. No, she has not. No strategy given thus far. It seems to be all about collecting information and zero action, at least for now. I will send an email tomorrow as well as make recommended phone calls to all doctors for privacy reasons. Thx.

also, the other morning, mysteriously, a prescription i take 'disappeared' from my purse, only to magically appear in a place i'd already looked

its called gas lightening

yup, agreed. totally crazy making gas lighting behavior. sick.

This lawyer might be fine for an amicable split, but I'm not sure she's the right choice for a custody battle. You need a bulldog, not a poodle.

she seems like a bulldog, not a poodle, but damn if she isn't moving slow. kind of like i have to hold her feet to the fire to get her to do anything. she did meet with me right after christmas on an emergency basis, based on what happened last week with the police, and i asked her to do something to get him out ASAP, and also to get our settlement/divorce on a fast track. the longer this drags out and we are still living together, the more chances are for tension, stress, animosity and conflict. unfortunately, bc of when he filed (on the 14th of Dec) it was right at the time when holiday shut downs occur, so nothing can be done till people are back in offices and courts on Jan. 2nd.

I'm sure he knew that too. Try to be patient. See how things go in January with her. But I agree with the posters who said to ask what her strategy is. You need to know the plan.

yup, i think it was all planned on his part. i will ask attorney what her plan is, bc fact finding is good, but it's not action. i need action, not note taking.

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I just have a few thoughts to run past you and I do not mean any offense. Firstly, I feel that you are just as responsible for digging yorself deeper into this mess as he is for instigating it. If you know your spouse is trying to antagonise you, why do you keep taking the bait? Is winning an argument or being right more important than the bigger picture - that you will be divorced?

Secondly, I suggest mediation, not counseling, and perhaps this is something to be done through your respective attorneys. You can make your attorney's job easier by not engaging your stbx. It also makes things easier for you in the long run.

Finally, remember that unbridled anger and moral outrage exacts its own price and you are only doing yourself a disservice. This is the time you need to breathe and let go, stay focused on finally being done with your stbx.

I know, and no offense taken. It is digging me deeper every time I engage, which is what he wants. I would have chosen mediation over attorneys against each other, and that's what I was researching and looking at, but I guess that he took me being honest with him out of the sake of being "amicable" and telling him I'd consulted with attorneys to see what our options were, he took it as a threat, and filed anyway.

I agree with all you wrote, it's so hard for me to let go of a fight. I'm a fighter, and giving up on this marriage is hard enough. Giving up on being right is even harder. I am just scared as hell that he and his family are trying to build a case against me as a bad mother, which I am not, and taking everything away from me. That's where the fight comes from. Not that bad behavior is justified, but that's the driving factor, my kids, my house, my security. Everything is in my name. I paid for the downpayment on this house, bought his car outright by cashing out my stock for work, etc, etc. I guess I just need to come up with my own settlement agreement? I don't want this to drag out and get too costly. It's not necessary, but it's what he's being coached to do bc his family has tons of money, they're willing to fight tooth and nail, even when it's not their place or their business. Sucks being in this position.

Every time you fight, you surrender control only to feed your own ego. Your attorney advises against *** for tat and against engaging your stbx. You give justifications for why you continue to do so. Its your choice - fight like this and lose or be calm and ride out the wave. Let your attorney do the fighting. Your kids, your security, etc...are precisely why you should take your attorney's advice. Consider - the building is on fire, you are on the sixth floor and fightinng the ragig inferno with a fire extinguisher. Outside, the firefolk have that inflatable mattress ready and are asking you to trust them and let go. Its a no brainer right?? Right??

Right. Agreed. Letting go more as we speak. Thanks. It's a complete no brainer.

Lao is totally right on this one. Your STBX knows how to push your buttons and is doing a great job of manipulating you into acting how HE wants. Break the cycle. Be your own person. Let go of being right, because it doesn't matter and the ones that will pay the price will be your kids. Just put all your energy into getting OUT, as quickly and easily as possible.

i agree. i want to get out sooner rather than later. that's why i called our couple's therapist to see if we could meet with her. i feel like the attorneys are dragging their feet on getting things moving quickly, and i'd like to channel my energy into ending this and moving on quicker, without huge attorney's fees and a possible court battle. does that sound stupid to want to meet with her and H to discuss possible scenarios for the kids and us? that's what he wanted initially, until i told him i was not in a good emotional place to discuss splitting up our family. i'm finally able to let go and do this without anger, based on recent events. even the police told both of us that "this should be about the kids, not you as individuals". duh.

I am wary of this. I would look for a professional mediator, not a therapist. You need someone with experience in negotiating actual settlements, not feelings. This is business.

ok, that's my fear too. she agreed to meet with us, but reminded me that she was not a mediator, but she would try. i'm going to reach out to lawyer to see what she thinks. according to her, mediation would be an additional $6k on top of legal fees. had he just sought out a mediator instead of filing immediately, we wouldn't be in this position.

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I can't recall the back story in any detail, so I got nuthin** other than 'welcome back'.

Tread your own path.

it's ok baz. :) I don't expect you to remember everyone who posts here. but, thank you!

*hug*

Thank Zsu. I need some good hugs right about now. :)