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Another Year And I'm Still Here

Well, my business idea hasn't taken off--so I have to work out something else. Homeschooling my special needs kid is helping him, though he is often feeling conflicted and resentful toward his dad. Dad is alternately sorta nice to him (as only a narcissist can be), then turns around and tells my boy he's a "moron." DH refers to him as "the retard." I put this down, but it doesn't go away for long. I'm also hearing from DH that I don't equal his superior "class and sophistication." I was hoping this might mean DH was thinking of walking out, but his current strategy is to wait us out. He wants to throw our son out on his 18th birthday, knowing I won't stand for it--and probably go with him. He wants the house. With me, he is alternately all hugs and then lets me know I'm responsible for all his problems. My kid and I do lots of eye-rolling. DH makes up for this by buying us stuff, which I'm fine with. My son got a new (albeit cheap refurb) computer for Christmas, and I can finally toss my twelve year old parka, since he spent forty dollars on a marked down ski jacket at an outlet. Yes, I am thrifty and only have discretionary income from the odd jobs I do.

I have not found an adequate school placement for my son for next year, but hope a alternative public school program might do. Losing hope that my county will pay tuition at a special needs private school for him. We DO need to get out of here. My family (out of state) agrees, though none of them are willing to let me move in with my special needs kid. They are soon to be empty nesters and don't want to help me raise my kid. That would be the best situation--raising him with the help of experienced successful parents for a few years. Moving him in with extended family with strong male role models and someone at home after school.

But no. They are enjoying their freedom, and I don't blame them.

So, this is the year I figure out how to get out. I have one more class to take to get certified for another aspect of my business. Then it's all marketing.

Still hoping my cement head husband will meet some girl and walk out. I can't stand it that I walk around thinking "I hate you...I hate you..." after every interaction with him. Just want him out of my life. I'd be thrilled if he found some idiot who would make him happy.

Happy new year.

Cheers.
sterlingrose sterlingrose 46-50, F 3 Responses Dec 31, 2012

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"My family (out of state) agrees, though none of them are willing to let me move in with my special needs kid."

Hey, brain flash. Maybe they could pool their resources and help you in other ways? Can they help by providing funding for private school for him? An apartment for the two of you? Can they help with driving? With money for day care so you can get out and work? With a time limit and with you paying them back when/if you get on your feet, of course. Use your business skills and present it that way, what do you think?

like++++++++ excellent ideas. worth looking in to!

Great sounding idea--for some other family. They will be happy to put us up for a little while--until we get on our feet. But I have a kid who needs me available. Not working nights and weekends, leaving him alone in some horrible apartment in a war zone. Who fetches him when he falls apart at school? Who spends the 3 to four hours per night doing physical therapy, reading intervention--not to mention homework? I can do all that now while we're homeschooling. I need a flexible work schedule, and that's what I'm trying to work out now with the business. Moving out of state to live on our own in an apartment--I can do that where we are. I'd rather live with a sister for a few years so my kid isn't coming home to an empty house all the time. So there is a role model around (my brother in law). It kind of makes all the difference. Thanks for your thoughts and concern. It's much appreciated.

What is it with dads who only wanted kids so they would have inferior beings to stroke their ego? All of us with children with special needs grieve the loss of what we *dreamed* our kids would be, but then get down to the business of raising the child in front of us. H3ll, someone has to. I feel the pain of having relatives who offer lip service to the idea of support but can't offer anything concrete. How tantalizing and tortuous at once!

I hope you can speedily get to a state that has a much better special education system. Home schooling, your own classes, working on a business, and a moron for a spouse? Kudos to you for juggling it all.

Thanks! You seem to understand exactly. I'm not a whiner and I don't want to "endure." I just want to get the heck outta here and let him have his life while my kid and I have our own. It wasn't always this bad, but he's become a real jerk. If he got a conk on the head and became Mr. Kind and Perfect tomorrow, I wouldn't care. I can't forgive a guy who would like to put his own kid in foster care. After we received one of those corney Christmas newsletters from a friend full of pictures of their kids, he waved it in my face and said "Look! People with normal, accomplished children. Look what I got stuck with!" I crumbled up the paper and threw it at him. Turns out one of their kids has learning disabilities too (the mom told us at a party a couple of days ago). Still, DH says nobody has it as bad as we do. Yep--here's the world's smallest violin and it's playing for you, hubby, darling.

Sheesh, what a loser this guy is. lately I've started having a feeling of relief when H goes back to work after the weekend & breaks. He doesn't say out loud what yours does, but I know he thinks it and struggles with it. His solution is to be a workaholic. Gee, how helpful! (not.)

I look forward to when he goes to work. Weekend are usually unpleasant with him around the whole time. He has no friends to hang out with and no life, so my kid and I go to his sports team and stay out when we can. Last week my son asked if we could move out. He still loves his dad because my son has a good heard and is programmed to love his parents. When he gets to be a teen in a couple of years, though, I am afraid there will be more emotional damage being in this environment. I love Mondays, because then my husband goes back to work.

Wow, when your son himself asks to move out--that says so much. It's good he has a sports team that takes you both out of the house. Is the team, kids & parents involved there, supportive of you both, in that they form a social outlet you look forward to, as opposed to a way to get out of the house?

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Have you been to an attorney to see where you stand? If so I apologize for bringing it up again. It just seems to me there must be some way out. I hope you are documenting every instance of him calling his son "retard" etc., as that is child abuse.

I hope 2013 is better for you - and all of us.

I've done my research, but not seen a lawyer yet. That will happen when I either get a job or start earning some money with my business. Right now I am shedding possessions and selling everything I can that is "mine." Stacking away cash, and getting me and my kid pared down and ready to move when we need to. You are not out of line to raise the issue. My mother asked me last week. I told her about organizing and getting rid of things. DH just thinks I'm cleaning house. He's a chronic "collector" so you can't really notice with his crap everywhere.