Glad To Have Found This Group

Finally a place to vent. Things like this you don't want to share with friends. My husband has apparently lost all interest in sex. He says it's him, not me and blames it on an erectile dysfunction problem. I guess it's all or nothing with him because he rarely wants to be truly affectionate. I found out he was adding sexy looking "friends" on Facebook and messaging them. Oh, he did look to see that they are "Christian" and "Conservative". And yes, I hacked his account. After a huge fight, he doesn't think he did anything wrong. Actually "I got what I deserved" for logging in to his account. He told one young girl (we are in our 50s) that she should be a supermodel - she had such a beautiful face and body. I also saw he had connected with an old friend from his hometown and the caring and sensitivity in his words to her is something I haven't seen in a long time. He gave her his cell phone # and offered to meet her at the airport during a layover. He forgot to tell me any of this. Do I think he's cheated on me? No, not physically. Am I over-reacting to this? He thinks I am. When he doesn't seem to have the least bit interest in me, it hurts to know he's done that. And now I don't trust him at all. I don't think either one of us wants to leave the marriage, but all of this makes me so sad.......
DownrightDepressed DownrightDepressed
56-60, F
13 Responses Dec 31, 2012

Not to dis all Christians or Conservatives, but I have seen photos of girls who call themselves "Christian" and "Conservative" that I'm not sure are intended to be ironic.

Thank you all for your thoughts and support. I guess I have some heavy duty thinking to do. God bless you and I hope 2013 is good to you.

How do you think he would react if the situation reversed? If it were you "friends" with other men, smiling and texting another guy while you and your husband watch TV? Maybe its time you found out. Maybe it's just that last, one good chase he's after...
It's a head game - sure. But he started it.

Get help right now. We are in our thirties and went down the same road. Had I listened to my gut last New Years we may have headed off an affair. Find a counselor you trust and face the fact that there is a problem.

I think one of you wants to leave the marriage. But it's not you. Your husband is cheating on you emotionally. Eventually he will cheat on you physically. If it were me I would leave. If you can't stand the thought of leaving, prepare to watch him ignore your needs, and carry on with other women while you sit home wondering what went wrong and feeling worse and worse about yourself. This will take a toll on your self esteem. Actually I suspect it already is. I'm sorry that you are in this situation.

You Opened your eyes and hacked his account? Good for you girl. Having seen this, you don't want to leave the marriage? I don't mean to hurt you but, I don't get it. You are willing to live with a man, who is carrying on with other woman? Never mind fidelity, what has this done to your self esteem? My advice: from this day forward, wake up everyday determined to be your prettiest self. Pull out those high heels in and that gorgeous dress buried in the back of your closet. If you need to get your makeup, hair or nails done - do it! If you don't like your body, fix it! Don't do this for him, for anyone but yourself. May be your husband can't be bothered to step up to bat to earn your love, this does not mean that another man won't. If I were you, I would step out of my marriage so fast that it would make his head spin. He can have his fantasy girls on the internet, I would be dating my lawyer. (Really, I could kill two birds with one stone) OMG, Anger Spice!

His Erectile Dysfunction is caused by his wandering penis.

Solution - get a different penis to play with. Problem solved.


So here's the thing - your husband is not sexually interested in you. He is quite prepared to be emotionally available to other women and to connect on an intimate level with them. He's got his intimacy needs being met, his excuses and he's got you on the defensive. Now ask yourself if you are over-reacting. It would be a good time to rethink how your marriage is working out for you as well.

Welcome to ILIASM. We understand. Keep reading here - the more you read, the clearer your situation will become.

"I don't think either one of us wants to leave the marriage"

Dissolving a marriage does NOT require the assent of both parties.

If he wants to dump you for one of his internet playmates, then your preferences about the marriage don't matter.

If you want to dump him for being an idiot, then his preferences about the marriage don't matter.

Check it out. See a lawyer in your jurisdiction about how a divorce would shake out for you. You might as well get a jump start on that, because it is almost certain that one of you is going to pull the trigger on this dysfunctional situation in the not too distant future.

Tread your own path.

Your husband has / is disrespecting you. Furthermore, when you point out to him that his behaviour is unacceptable, he tries to blame you.

It is for these reasons that your husband's behaviour is totally WRONG. Is he cheating or about to cheat? Maybe - I cannot tell. But certainly he is sharing those parts of himself that are rightfully your's (intimacy, affection, admiration) with others and NOT sharing them with you.

You do not have to accept his version of marriage - which is that he gets to do what he likes and you cannot complain about it. I suggest you consider apologising for logging in to his FB account but tell him you did so because you feel increasingly desperate about trhe chasm that exists between the two of you.

Also, explain that his behaviours ARE dealbreakers and that you will leave the marriage if he continues in this way. (WARNING! Be prepared to do that (leave) if he refuses to change.) It is painful and scary to start again - but it is worse to see yourself being disregarded and disrespected and ignored . . . {{{hugs}}}}


Welcome to our world. We're here for you. I'm sure you will find great support here.

No, you are not over reacting. Yeah it hurts, it hurts like hell and it never gets better. Read here and see that you are not alone. There is a lot of truth here, much of it conflicts with other truths here. You need to find what is true for you.