It's A New Year...time To Own My Own Happiness

As I lay awake last night watching the old year end and a new year begin and looking over at my now snoring wife in the usual position of back turned to me I decided to grab my phone and see what the world is up to. I log into Facebook and see a self congratulatory post from my wife on loosing 22lbs and getting down to her pre-baby weight. To this I think wow...but you didn't do anything to achieve this you merely took the meds prescribed to address your seizures and luckily for you they have appetite suppression side affects. The I read further to see that 2013 goal is for you to grow a backbone. Then inspiration hits me...Me too!!! I'm done wishing and hoping for you to change. There will never be change because nothing in you feels you are a problem and in need of it. The ONLY thing I can actually truly effect is my own actions and thoughts. So I woke up early this AM and started cleaning out the basement to make room for me to move into it. I'm certainly not ready to give up on my family of 4 kids and I Will not loose out of being a constant in their lives but I will give up on having a marriage with you in the relational sense of the word. From this point on we will be partners in raising our kids. After that job is complete then we can be completely done. Now I am pondering the rules this new step will also bring. No longer will I have to sit and listen to you complain incessantly. No longer will I have to flatter your ego with compliments. I will do what I want when I choose to without needing to consult you. You will begin to feel the emotional starvation that I have felt for years along with the hopelessness of not being able to change it. Your control over my happiness and self worth is at an end. You have failed miserably as a wife and lover. Perhaps you can just be a decent mother.
demisis demisis
36-40, M
5 Responses Jan 1, 2013

It's very important that you focus on what yours and your children's needs are, and not dwell on how this will impact your wife.

You feel hopeless and abandoned and emasculated. I experienced everything you said your wife was doing, and it hurt in that exact same way. I think that when women do this to men it often goes unrecognized as abuse, and men's feelings are often not honored in the same way that women's feelings are. (Which is to say that you will get much less support from people that deal with victims of abuse.)

So moving into the basement is a way for you to protect yourself. But it can't be an act of aggression, and the purpose can't be to lash out at your wife. I understand why you want her to feel emotional starvation - maybe she'll empathize with you and things will change - but right now what's critical is that you focus on protecting yourself and connecting with your children.

She'll come to you if she wants to restore the marriage as a partnership. And you will be honest with her about what your needs are and what you're doing to address them. But right now this is about you and your children, and protecting yourself from harm.

demisis, I see some parallels to what I went through. I 'moved out' to another bedroom about a year ago. It was a good move, because the stress, uncertainty and frustration ended. And we fell into 'partnership' mode, parenting and running the household. Emotional support - that is what friends are for; you give your genuine friendship to them and you will receive spades of it back. Sex - that is what flings are for; you will have to invest some time and energy for sex but it is better than groveling and still not getting it :)

There is now physical and mental peace in the house. I would not call my arrangement 'permanent' because one of us could change the equilibrium at a moment's notice, but it seems fine for now at least. I don't know what the super long-term solution is going to be for me, but I can keep my sanity for the moment :)

I hope it works out for you.

<p>Avoid the temptation to be passive agressive, to "get your own back" and to intentionally **** her off. I'm sure you are justified in all of the above - but all that will do in reality is cause additional friction for your children - and increase the likelihood of HER wanting a divorce.</p><p>Instead, play it calmly with respect and consideration for all involved. You CAN do this if you clearly set your own boundaries first. (As in: No more flattery for her but genuine appreciation of honestly achieved success is OK.) Explain your decision factually rather than as a "punishment" for her. And treat everyone (including yourself) with kindness.</p><p>By maintaining your self respect and avoiding making this all about punishing her, you are far more likely to find the remedy you suggest is a powerful tool in communicating your genuine disillusionment to her. Blaming her will only result in her fighting back by blaming you - and the destructive cycle continues.</p><p>All the very best in your new regime!!</p>

Awesome insights! Thanks for sharing. You are absolutely correct. I need to maintain emotional control of myself and not permit my resentment to manifest in childish anger. This is no longer about her or trying to save anything. This is about me making the best of my circumstances. To me moving into partnership mode I hope will dull the constant pain of what should be. I see beautiful women all the time and the thought of rejection from them doesn't bring up any painful emotions. I just need to accept that my wife is NOT my lover and if I can truly accept this I should be much happier. At least this is my current theory/strategy.

Good advice from the others - do be careful and watch your back!! Your growing a backbone really tends to annoy - and they will try all sorts of ways to get you back under their thumb - don't fall for it, and do make contingency plans in case she gets really pissed x

One more thing on your to-do list: go see a lawyer to see how divorce will shake out for you in your state, because your spouse is just as likely to pull the plug on your non-marriage.

Learning your rights and responsibilities will help you better prepare for what might be coming, and place you in a better position should she decide to file. You want to be educated. You don't have to actually do anything if you decide not to.

First lawyer visits are often free.

Apart from that, I wholeheartedly congratulate you on your new life.