It's Not All My Fault

My husband and I are going through problem, the biggest being sex. You see he likes to blame us not having sex on me, when really he shares a lot of the blame.

See when we met we finally started dating that's all we did we had sex, there really wasn't anything else we could do. We went to work, we went to the gym and we had sex. We lived to far away from anyone to hang out so it was just us.

Even when we were having sex there were things I told him, upfront, that I don't do. Like oral sex. It shouldn't matter why I don't do it he should know that I don't, and respect my wishes and not ask every ******* second of everyday. Period.

Anyway, when we finally moved closer to our friends we stopped having so much sex. Then we got engaged and not even half way through our engagement I got pregnant. And when I got pregnant my sex drive became virtually non existent. I just didn't want to be touched, hell I didn't even want to be looked at. Well this didn't sit well with my husband and his high sex drive. It took me almost a year to regain even part of my sex drive, to lose half of my baby weight and to start feeling sexy again.

Finally I got to a point where I wanted sex again, and another baby. Which of course made my husband happy, until I got pregnant and my sex drive disappeared again. And for both of my pregnancies I was put on bed rest at about 7 months and was no longer allowed to have sex.

Now on top of all this I've tried to have sex with my husband, but it's never what he wants. And he never appreciates when we do have sex. It's always what he's not getting. I've tried to explain to him that it's not just I don't have a sex drive that I don't want to have sex it's because I have the world bearing down on shoulders with no help from him.

I'm expected to go to school full time, take care of our two children, keep the house clean, and remember every little thing he has to do (appointments, homework etc) and watch him sit around and play video games, or watch sports, eat everything in the ******* house and then expect me to hop on his ******* **** every ******* night!

He wants to know what's different now then at the beginning of the relationship, not withstanding the children. I tell him, I'm not attracted to him anymore. You don't take care of yourself or our family. You are selfish as hell, and you only pretend to care about my feelings.

So yea I live in a sexless marriage but it's not all my fault.
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7 Responses Jan 1, 2013

Can I suggest you change your frame, because if either or both of you have the fault-and-inflexibility-and-righteousness frame, you're doomed.

And you can, on your own (whether he joins you or not in this venture is his call) - change your frame and really do the hard painful work on yourself, and on your relationship.

You can apportion the fault about in any manner you choose. 100% him and 0% you all the way to 100% you and 0% him, or any mix within those parameters that takes your fancy.

And it will not help one ******* iota.

Are you up for trying to fix it (which involves the risk of discovering it ain't fixable) ??
Is he up for trying to fix it (which involves the risk of discovering it ain't fixable) ??

Or are you both going to **** about apportioning fault and drift off into bitter middle, then old, age ?

Tread your own path.

Wow, you sound very angry. I am deeply saddened by your situation... It has been my experience that angry people lake bad decisions (me foremost). You two might need some space and time to cool off. Try and take a break... Be kind to yourself and let these hot emotions subside. If the both of you can sit down calmly and try and see things from each others perspective it might help.

I know in my own sexless situation that I really don't feel like doing anything, especially listening, to my wife when I am so sexually frustrated. I hope you find some peace from this turmoil.

Is it your husband's post?

"Like oral sex. It shouldn't matter why..." It should... It might be the tip of very deep issues... Why if you love someone you reject this part of his body?
"...and my sex drive disappeared again." What your husband suppose to do, if your sex drive is so easy to disappear? Walk around with constant erection? ********** all the time (being married man)? Go to prostitute? Have lovers? Or you are not bothered at all?

It seems you do not love him... Let him go....

Good catch TFM. Definitely sounds like the same story... He said/she said.

"I don't like giving head to anyone period." Just be prepared that someone one day will like it and will meet your husband's needs the full way... I don't mean to be offensive the same apply to you, you may meet someone who will be happy with your sexual style as well... Sexual mismatch is already a problem in your marriage... Unfortunately it tends to become a bigger problem through the years...

"I'm expected to go to school full time, take care of our two children, keep the house clean, and remember every little thing he has to do (appointments, homework etc) and watch him sit around and play video games, or watch sports, eat everything in ..."

Did you consciously agree to what you feel is an inequitable division of responsibilities? If so, why? If not, why are you taking on more than your share? I am not picking on you when I ask this ... just suggesting you contemplate how you arrived at this state.

Keep reading here. Keep an open mind.

Well he has it made then. How long do you want to live like that?

I'm not into the "do dishes = more sex" tradeoff. However, I do get that people who are relaxed, not stressed or resentful, and not overworked may be more inclined to have sex.

This lad sounds like he's a dependent, not a partner and husband. Dependent maybe bordering on deadbeat. Easy for me to say from my cozy office, but there need to be changes at your house. You need to have an equal, contributing, and loving partner, or else. He needs a loving, caring wife, or else. You know what "or else" means. And there needs to be a time limit on "or else". Couples counselling may or may not help. If he refuses to discuss or "try", you're done. Leave.

Do not let this go on for years, decades. You are plenty young enough to start fresh.

Chai I agree 110% - you summed it up perfectly.

zsu, I couldn't help thinking of you as I wrote this. Of course in your case, there are medical and health care complications. Hugs.

*hugs* thank you Chai...

3 More Responses

I have been married 18 years and we have had our ups and downs. Sex plays an important role in the marriage. It is part of our foundation. Sex keeps the fire and excitment of the relationship. I can still surprise her and she is receptive because I research about sex from a female perspective (Cosmo, internet, etc) because I don't want our love to become routine or dare I say it-where sex becomes boring! We are not swingers or part of that lifestyle, I just prefer her and just her. So sex promotes the love that drew us together the first time I lied eyes on her. It is important to the man and keeps him focused on you. After 18 years, I still want her. It is not too late, explore and have fun finding your way to each other. You may build a more solid foundation that will keep you two together forever. Good luck!

I suggest you too read this story written just today by one of our long time members. It doesn't matter if you are the refused, the refuser of if it is a murky, muddy situation without clearly defined roles. You can still decide what life you choose to live and put one foot in front of the other to change and enhance your life for you.