The LetterWritten Nov 30, unable to read it to him until Dec 5...
Last night I felt it was almost better if I took myself out of the equation... I thought I might rather die, than have this conversation with you.
It was a year ago that I again conveyed my unhappiness to you. I told you “something has to give.” I’ve held off on confronting you about all of this again, because there is never a good time and I don’t want to hurt anyone – but, I can’t hurt anymore either.
I’ve always loved you. I know that I’m not perfect, but I feel like I’ve been a patient, understanding, kind, and supportive wife. I’ve also tried desperately to communicate my needs to you all these years, yet they still go unmet.
This relationship is dysfunctional and our living arrangement is not normal. I have been deeply affected by our situation; mental anguish, loneliness, frustration, anger, resentment, and guilt.
Guilt? What am I guilty of? I have made great efforts to fix our broken marriage. I’ve asked you several times over the years to come with me for counselling. As I told you a couple of months ago, I am seeing a doctor, marriage/sex therapist, and psychiatrist... and I’ve realized I can’t fix our marriage alone and the only thing I can change is myself.
Half of me wants to leave, while the other half has been struggling to stay. I am not just sitting on the fence; rather, I’ve been impaled by it – stabbed in the heart and torn apart.
You have many great qualities: devoted to the family, hard worker, budgets/pays bills, and you don’t abuse alcohol or drugs. All of this being said...You know how much this hurts me, yet it doesn’t seem like you are facing these issues or trying to change (even though you told me this summer you were working on it). The fact is you have not once initiated sex, nor have we been intimate in the last five years!!!
Just because you have no desire and are satisfied without sex, does not make it okay. You’ve made a unilateral decision to live this way.
It was eight years ago that I first made it clear to you that I didn’t sign up for a sexless marriage; however, I am glad I stayed because we added Baby#3 to our family. The children wouldn’t be who they are without you. No matter what happens between us, we will always share in the joy of our children.
All my love,
He remained very calm. He didn't go into a rage, nor did he cry. He admitted that I've told him how I've felt before, but he didn't say how this made him feel.
He did, however, share a couple of his thoughts on other subjects... he said he might feel resentment towards me because I spend too much money, and that I often tell him he needs to get in shape, yet I do too. This latter point makes me very upset, because I've asked him to do several health/exercise classes and activites with me, and he's never willing. Although I struggle with my weight, I have taken several steps to become healthier, without his encouragement and support. I didn't want to argue with him, so I didn't respond to these comments.
Overall, he said he thought that we could overcome this... that we are just going through a "rough patch."
A rough patch!?!?!? Is he delusional, in denial, or both?
I told him that there was no easy fix, and that I expected him to go to therapy. He thought "we should try to work it out on our own first," to which I strongly replied, "Oh no! Therapy/counselling is mandatory!" He said that would have to wait until January, as he wouldn't be able to get time off during in December. I said I understood, and suggested we make the best of the holidays. He replied, "well that doesn't sound very positive, or long term." I made it very clear that I was serious, and told him that I wasn't so sure we could resolve our issues, saying "I've already got one foot out the door!"
Now that we have entered the New Year, awaiting to see if he will mention booking an appointment for the therapist. I am not holding my breath. In fact, I expect that by mid-January I will be formally asking him for a separation.