Refusing Wife, Just Some Thoughts From The Other Side...

Thanks for reading don't know if you actually got anything from it or not that you haven't already thought of or tried. How do you get your point across to someone who thinks they are always right? To someone who will not look in the mirror and admit their faults. See that was me for years thinking there was nothing wrong with me. That I was normal. I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. I knew he wanted more sex and I did think it was a just physical need men had more than women. Someone made the point that what difference did it make if it was a physical need, it's still a need. Good point and true. If it was important to him I should have been making it my priority to find answers to help us. I didn't realize that it was so deep, emotional and the way he felt loved. Writing that sounds so stupid I know. You're thinking how on this earth could you not realize the importance of this act. It just didn't mean the same thing to me, but if I had realized this was the most important need my husband had I should have been filling that need. The needs theory never crossed my mind until I read the His Needs, Her Needs. I did know you should make your spouse happy though and that's what would have topped his life off with a cherry! We had a good life and all was well other than in the bedroom. He thinks he communicated his feelings throughout our lives, but he never was direct and never told me how miserable he was. He never opened up to me, just one liners or a short conversation. I hate the fact it took him screaming and telling me with anger and frustration to the point of possibly no return to wake me up. Its sad. You are right on in the way I feel. It's been the most devastating, heart wrenching thing I've ever been through.

Again, you hit the nail on the head on how my husband has felt and feels. That is one of the hardest things for me is how I let him down so bad and I can't fix it or do anything about it. I agree he got cheated by me and I cheated myself too. People do think that of cheater and sometimes it's a repeat offender cheating and a serial cheater and that thinking is for this person. What my husband did staying with our family and being such a good father through his misery is admirable and I honestly share the real truth of our story to everyone kids, sister, sister in laws, mother in Law anybody close and some not so close. It is hard for them to understand and they say they understand that I had a part in this, but there is always a but. They do not think he should have had an affair that he should have done the right thing or took the right path. That was no excuse to have affair nothing justifies that to me. This is the path he would have recommended and suggested to a friend. I do too; I wish he hadn't started an affair before he blew up on me and shared is bottled up anger and resentment. I think the outcome would be so very different and he would be very satisfied and happy with me. He hasn't been with this woman now since somewhere around May 2010 as far as I know. I know he's talked to her from time to time since May 2010. Not happy with that, but I have no control over that or any of it really. One thing I will say is I would warn anyone thinking about an affair to see the caution light way ahead because if you have been starved and are vulnerable your feelings will be so tender and the attention will be like crack cocaine to you. If you are going into it like no strings attached think again you may just fall in love with this person and you may not want that to happen and complicate both of your lives. Whether its true love or lust crack love its still heart wrenching. Especially if you are not planning on leaving your spouse and the other person might be married and they have no intension of leaving their spouse. Then there you are right in the middle of major trauma, drama and terrible heartache in so many ways.

You do not need to feel bad at all that you have desires and want your wife! She shouldn't make you feel that way. From where I am right now I think she's the one that is wrong. In fact I know she is regarding this subject. You sound like a caring person and you still want a good life with your wife. She does not realize what she has, that she has the chance to change your lives for the better and have a marriage. If she doesn't there may very well not be a marriage. I wish I could go back to that point so bad. I hope and pray there is something that stirs in your wife to show her what she is doing and what she is missing. If she doesn't she may end up like me and be in a heart wrenching situation that there may not be a happy ending and a happy ever after. When I married him I married him for life so this is devastating.

Thank you so much for your encouragement and kind words to me - it means a lot! You truly are right on the money in all you have said.

You are welcome. Your gratitude is kind and warming.

You said some things about not being able to control or change him. I read those words carefully, looking for a sense of codependency. I didn't see any of that from my reading. You have certainly done a lot of work, taking responsibility for what you have control over, and letting him own his junk. That is commendable.

Hold your course RRRW. IMHO, you still have the possibility of a happily ever after. Your husband might come around.

Just for your information,...you are a VERY unique woman. Most women blame their husbands if they step out, and I think that generally that is unfair--not to excuse the man, but because marriage is suppose to protect against affairs.

You mentioned in another post something indicating a religious basis. I agree with the religious aspects of "affair proofing" your marriage. When one spouse ignores the needs and wants of the other, it opens up wounds and vulnerabilities. Then, when "temptation" comes along, the environment has been built, preparing the "hungry" spouse to have his or her mouth water at the offerings. Your husband is unjustified in his choice,...but had he had what he needed at home, he would have been less vulnerable to take the steps he did. A friend of mine once said: "A well fed dog doesn't roam the neighborhood looking for food." How true.

Anyway, nuff said. My advice now---hold your course, and forgive yourself. You appear to be doing EVERYTHING you can. Now, be kind to yourself. Love your husband with all your heart--do what you can to encourage and win back his love--but be kind to yourself in the process. The same God who taught through Paul about not defrauding your spouse so they are not given to too much temptation,...well, that same God did say something about forgiveness.

Thanks again for your incredible courage. You are a rare and priceless person. Believe it. It shows.

Thank you for taking time to comment. I agree about everyone's comments are worthy of consideration and each one I receive it makes me think whether I agree or disagree. I honestly think the rejection is the most hurtful and I understand that now. Honestly I did not know or think it was that mean and hurtful to him. Sadly, I admit that since it wasn't the same for me or one of my most required needs that I didn't realize the devestating, humiliating impact rejection has. That was very, very selfish on my part. I know now though! I did not want to hurt my husband so deeply and cause so much anger, despair, and frustration.

It is so hard to see your faults and your shortcomings and admit you have things that need changing. When a spouse points it out, most of the time, it's taken as criticism. It's really hard to convey to a loved one in a loving manner what they are lacking and how they are failing in your marriage and then get that loved one to respond in kind. I wish that there was like a 3 year checkup required every 3 years for every marriage to check in and survey how things are going and what needs to be worked on or changed. There's a lot of change through many years of marriage. I wish you all the best OmyTVC15!

I respect your opinion, and I assume you have never been cheated on. Until you have, and you truly love, trust, respect the offending spouse and have been each others everything for years, then there is no way you can even imagine all the feelings, range of emotions, hurt, betrayal, the images you face, and what heartache you go through. It involves so many emotions, and you have so many things racing through your mind all of the time. You cannot imagine how an affair will consume you and destroy your life and your family too. It will also destroy the respect the offending spouse has worked for and earned. Our family still respects him as many others do and I know you shouldn't worry about others, but it does affect the way people in society look at you. I know we should not judge but people do. It is not our job to judge though there is one judge we all will have to answer to and that is what really counts. I will take up for my husband in a heartbeat if anything is ever said, don't think I won't because people do not know the FULL story. If you have been cheated on and loved that person dearly then you could definitely say they are the same because you've experienced both. I had NO idea what an affair would do, you just can't understand til you go through it.

In turn I agree with the fact that rejection and denial for years has a huge range of emotions too and you live with it day in and day out. I can tell from what I've done to my husband and all the stories I read how very painful and devastating this is. Rejection is life altering and how it can wear on a soul so heavy, just as an affair does. I also realize how quickly life and the years go by and you are still struggling with someone who won't admit they have a problem and most of all not realize what an awful, devastating, heart crushing, demeaning thing they are putting you through year after year. I really do my best to understand the refused side. Not that I have the full knowledge or truly know how you feel, but I did drive my husband to the point of vulnerability that he had an affair. He never even thought he was capable of this, being with another woman, married woman, with children, he works with her and he sat beside me while she sat down from us every night watching our daughter play ball for the whole season. I point this out to say no one thought my husband could do this so imagine how I feel. He was a very moral good man and I never thought he would have an affair much less someone he works with. I thought he was way to smart, prideful, and respectful of his company to hook up with someone there. So I know how my refusing affected my husband. I never have lied to my husband I've always been straight up with him. I never lied about why I was rejecting him or deceived him, believe what you may. I didn't fake a headache or anything else either for that matter. At one time my husband was huge on being honest and telling the truth. I've done it again I did not mean to write soooo much. Sorry.

You are very right in what you say. I really don't care what others do think because I know who I am and what the truth is. I am very brutally honest with myself I try to understand, admit, and work on my flaws and faults. We all have them and not taking any blame, not seeing both sides and facing your issues straight on will get you no where fast.

Thank you for you comments

Well, I don't think I entered into it thinking it was a fairy tale Cinderella. I will agree I was not ready like I should have been for an intense sex life at that age. We were both 20 so very young. I'm not sure about your comments a problems of a deeper nature if not sexually compatible. I think both of us have deeper issues that affected our sex life from childhood on.

You are right one of us does have decisions to make it could be me making the decision before him if things continue like they are because I don't know how much longer I can live this way.

I don't have a clue what steps I will take. It will baby steps, one foot in front of the other. I will rely on my family, friends and God to make it through and pick my self up and dust off because this is not something I ever expected. I thought we would grow old together. I am taking steps to grow right now so I might go have a set back if he decides to leave but I will make it.

Thanks Jep444. You have been very kind to me

Well, I guess some have excellent reasons, but my reasons are not excellent. Women and men both vary drastically in sexually desire both sexes it seems has plenty of both. From what I have noticed it usually is this way lopsided. I am sure there are some that are compatible and oh how lucky they are and they don't even know it probably, you know, that they are lucky. There were times that I wished I had the desire of other women. I could tell they were more sexual and had a good drive for sex and I always wished I could be that way. I didn't know about low testosterone levels and stuff like that. You are right it is no consolation, but I have tried to be very understanding and give the benefit of the doubt when I could and also understand my part in all of this. I just wish some of my lame reasons meant something to him. Like low levels he doesn't think that played as big a part as it did. It was mental, but it was chemical too! Thanks for your comments and I do get it is no consolation there comes a time though when you have to ask yourself is it worth it to continue on and try and actually try, or call it quits.

Yes, lucky people seldom realize how lucky they are.

In my experience here ulae most do not have good reasons

Defensiveness = long story

Long story seldom = good news.

agreed.

Well this was a defensive story I guess. It doesn't not make what I did right, it just gave me a chance to say hey I dealt with things too. Long story - well we will see? I'm long winded I know sorry. I need to work on making it shorter I know sometimes I go off in left field.

Bahahahahaha. Good one :-)

Good one PTI. Cliff notes Haha

You know I don't believe that you can be compatible with someone on every level. Does that mean you shouldn't be together. I know a number one need is the most important need to be met and does not need to be ignored. I've just learned this within the last three years about specific needs and how they must be met at least the top 2 for sure and 3 if possible. I know this sounds so unbelievable that I didn't realize this thinking. If I had I think I would have tried so much harder. In this case I feel we were meant to be together and I don't see any other way, he might though and if that's the case I will have to understand and let go. I've been working on myself trying to get ready if this happens. I will never be ready I will just have to deal as best I can. There are so many out there that are not sexually compatible and if you did find the one that was compatible sexually they may not be compatible in any other aspect of life and that's not going to work either probably. I just wish that both spouses would realize and communicate what's important to them. Explaining that if I don't get this, this and this, then I'm not going to be happy and it will eventually lead to our demise. Communication is important I know a lot of people say communication is not key, but it really is if you can be open and honest about everything.

You know what is a sex person anyway? It is a person with high sexual desire that receives love, affection and attention in this manner. What makes us have high or low desire and why are people so different in this way? Don't you think most people want to be compatible in this way to make one another happy? I think we all have life experiences especially childhood experiences that shapes and molds us into who we are. I for one do believe there are things that can be changed and then of course there are things that cannot, but if you want something bad enough you can change, even sexual desire. I'm proof I'm telling you I'm different i have desire and interest it just takes finding out what is wrong and how it can be fixed. If you truly love someone you do what you can and pray its not to late and that they will forgive you. I know a lot of you have said that the change wont last, but I'm here to tell you I've changed for ever whatever it takes I love this man and I want to show him how much I love him by holding hands, kissing, being close, having sex a lot. If I get the chance. I also think when we are young and inexperienced and not as wise we fail to some accord in knowing what our partner needs and why it is so very important to them. Truth is if you love someone you should be putting them first on this earth, of course, God should come first and we should do things to please him, but then we should make our spouse priority and meet their needs, period no excuses. There has to some kind of balance, but both have to work on that and you have to realize the imbalance. Thanks for input and advice.

Your endless equivocating, goal post-shifting, and Titantic deck chair re-arranging (not to mention your sleep-inducing prose style) means that you need never fear another comment from me. You are at this point completely hermetically sealed from even the most basic tenets of man/woman reality. Anyone further responding to you is doing it mostly for laughs.

Final thought: your barking mad belief that there are men out there who want to be with a sexless woman is soon to hit the brick wall of reality. Even refusers want someone to leach off of. Good luck with the telling yourself bizzare stories, you're gonna need it.

Well, it seems to me your first comments are totally different and have a whole different tone from one to the other. You sound like a total different person. I don't know what you mean by my moving my goal post? I'm not moving my goal post I think I am pretty consistent in my comments so I don't know where you picked that up.

If you feel this way I don't know why you commented to begin with since you think I'm someone to be laughed at.

I don't know where the hell you got the impression or thought I said a man wants to be with a sexless woman. I was not sexless ever I never let it go over two weeks and had more at times and if you are referring to him staying with me and me being sexless you have no clue! I will never ever be sexless again I won't refuse him I haven't in 3 yrs. In this time I have done it morning and night and I enjoyed it! It was not duty sex. I even kept relations going when I knew he was still seeing the OP. My desire to continue a sexual relationship with my husband is strictly from love and understanding of what I have done to him in the past and I will never let it happen again. I not a leach either. I am a strong capable woman. If I didn't love my husband he would have been long gone so don't think I'm hanging on for the pay check or to be taken care of I am capable of taking care of myself.

As you say since I'm so funny, clueless and ridiculous I really don't know why you commented to begin with and I will not fear another comment from You believe Me. Something I said in these last comments hit you wrong or was perceived wrong - whatever it doesn't matter to me. When I read your comments it is like whoa, where did that come from. You are entitled to your opinion of my comments, but I will tell you you have me wrong.

Snore.......more passive aggressive fake not-knowing and pretend-helplessness. You whole life has been this phony mess and always will be. Ciao, liar.

You are right. I am so ready to move on from the past I truly am and I could if my husband could forgive me and move on too. That hasn't happened yet, maybe it will and maybe it won't. I will do everything I can to work this out and I want to focus on the future. I want to be the wife I know I can be to him. The big thing here is there is true love here. We were meant to be together I have never been surer of anything. Does my H think this idk? I agree with you that you should talk and stay on track if you ever get back on that track. :-). I have a hanging in my bedroom that says patience in the presence, faith in the future, joy in the doing and that's what I read when I need some encouragement. I do want to make my wrongs right. I know I can do it. I don't think I can I know I can. Thanks for input

I do believe there were several things that lead into him having an affair. This man was one that no one would think would do this not even him. I truly never thought he would go this route and I did think he would divorce me before ever being with someone else.

We are still together it has been 3 yrs now and we have had ups and downs. Right now we are on a down. He still is not certain of what he wants I think. He is having a super hard time forgiving me for failing him and it seems to me he blames me still for everything. Until he changes that thought process and take his blame like I have I don't think we have a chance. If he does and does decide I am the one for him and he decides to commit once again to our marriage I think we can make it work. We had and still do have a lot of love in our families combined and we have such a history and most of it good other than the sex life. History doesn't mean crap though unless he decides it does and until he decides he wants a new life with me. I told him I do not want the old life I want the new one I know we can have. I think he struggles with "giving in to me" kind of. You know like if i try and i start loving her she wins. I don't look at it that way, but he is a very prideful man. I also know he's scared I will fail him again I'm sure. I think the affair messed him up so bad in sooooo many ways. It does everybody you just can't imagine all the repercussions of an extramarital affair. OMG!

He does and has realized, at certain clarifying moments, that this doesn't justify an affair and that no one should be put through that. I truly think he is in a mid life crisis and was not rationally thinking. He has never been selfish at all and boy he did the most ultimate, selfish act you can. I know refusing for years is also selfish, but truly it doesn't not hit some of the nerves that an affair does. I did not lie to him, deceive him, sneak around on him, make a fool of him as he did me being in the same gym night after night with this woman. I did deny him his number one need for many years and there were countless rejections and I do know that is awful torture and it has had a devastating effect on him. As a result, our marriage and our families have suffered at Both our hands. I really know the pain I put him through, but I've been through some too.

I really appreciate your comments and reminding me I am only human too. I really carry so much guilt and pain from my failing my husband, marriage and family. Thanks for mentioning the tubes tied too, I go back and second guess everything I've ever done. I do believe you are right it is possible to rebuild, but we both have to put the past in the past and forgive and he's not done that yet. I truly can and will if he can. Thanks!

You are so right enna30 it is so, so very sad. Never ever thought I would be in this situation. Looking back I should have realized it. It is a sad common story I just wish I could get to some of those young, in love couples, and give them our experiences we have had to help them miss that mine field. I plan to use this knowledge to the very best of my ability to make future relationships better and also anyone else I can touch and help, family, friends even strangers. I hope my future is with my husband, but I'm still sitting on that fence and he hasn't pulled me down on his side yet. So for now I wait, until I simply cannot take it anymore. I am truly struggling right now, but he struggled for years in misery and I always remember this. I can hang in there, I'm trying to, he did. Thanks Enna30

I would if he would.

Well he needs to realize he must not be giving the attention you need either or you would be giving it back. The put one another first comes into play here I think. Sometimes we get caught up in ourselves and don't think about our partner and that is the wrong attitude. How to get back to that put your spouses needs first I don't know. I had to be shook so hard my teeth have almost fallen out, that's no lie. It didn't take an affair honestly, but throw that in there and it really got my attention. Shouldn't take that but sometimes a good shakin is what it takes. Meaning make an Impression, if they love you they Will pay attention and change. My husband telling me he was tired and fed up and the real true gut feelings he had was all it took for me. Shouldn't have taken that, but it did. He says, he wished he had done this along time ago, tell me exactly how he was feeling. I wished he had too.

I know first hand how you feel by my actions to my husband and your husband needs to wake up. Only you know how far to push his buttons, but if the " old chemistry" is still there then there is hope, but he's got to admit and understand what he's doing to you. I feel the flirtatious chemistry with my husband at times through all of this from him too, not just me.

Your husband better open his eyes, get off his butt, and pay attention because you have already started pulling away and he doesn't know just how far he'll push you. If he loves you he needs to do something. Don't know how to tell you to get through to him, but I would tell him all of the above. I have lived it and I have experienced just how far I pushed my husband and it was over the dad-gum cliff and now that climb back up is excruciating and I don't know that I can pull him back up to me at this point. I hope you find a way to hit a nerve and I wish you all the best. God Bless You for having to endure this. It really is awful I know.

I know, I write way to much. I think I'm hurting quit a bit and maybe that's why I write so much. I really am not trying to get validation I am certainly in the wrong group to get that and I am we'll aware of that. You hit the nail on the head it takes two to make it and break it. I don't know what I'm gonna do at this point. ?? Wish I did. I just keep praying and trying to do what God wants me to. It is very confusing to me sometimes I feel like I should stand up and say enough is enough and take up for myself and have some respect for myself. I am a strong woman most of the time. Mostly so far I have felt lead to hold fast. It's getting really hard though. Sometimes I wish he would come in and just say I am moving out we need to separate because he is not to the point of working on anything or putting any real effort in. I don't want a divorce and I will not file because of this, but I will give that to him if he so chooses. I do not want to go through another Christmas wondering what my new year will be like. It's my fourth Christmas and 3 yrs of dealing with this all. I know it takes time, but its getting close to times up. Good true comments. Thx

Well, we were boyfriend / girlfriend at a very young age. We started dating steadily at 16 yrs old. He knew how I was and I wanted to wait until marriage for intercourse. I thought that was the right thing and he went along with it. I will say though we came really, really close many times and did everything else, almost. He was my first kiss, it was wonderful! He was my first everything. I had no experiences other than with him. He is a good lover and I know this even though I haven't been with anyone else. He always wanted to please me. Head hung in shame I know. You asked how old I was we'll my first kiss with him was at 15 soon to be sixteen. We broke up at one point for two mos I broke up with him because he was telling me he loved me and i didn't know what love was and thought he just wanted in my pants. I had 2 dates kissed 2 times and knew what I wanted, I wanted him back. He dated a girl for 2 mos though and did get into her pants. I hate it, but I was no where ready for that. I was miserable my mother told me if you want him go get him and I did. I called went out with him told him I loved him and that was the start of our relationship. Dating I was h**** and wanted him had desire. Like I said you can pretty much say we did almost everything before marriage other than the final (oh, how can I say this) thrust. Blush, blush, see how I am. We married at 20 he worked nights so we didn't get started off well and it was pretty much a sexual struggle for him from the start I hate to admit. Again it was a least every two weeks but he wanted it 3 times a day.

I appreciate your comments and I get how people on here, the refused, could feel when reading a story like mine. If I was on the refused side I would roll my eyes too at some of my comments because I get how painful, insulting, demeaning, devastating being refused can be. How it can wear you down to insanity and make someone cold and hard. I do get it now. No consolation in that either though. Way to late. Duh.