Refusing Wife, Just Some Thoughts From The Other Side...I been thinking lately about my situation and being on this site. I really do not belong on this site if I seek approval or camaraderie, but that is not why I initially posted here. My story is I was the one who you would call the refuser and did not meet my husbands needs. I always tried to make sure our sexual relations never went over a two week period. I mention this to say I don't think we actually fall into the definition of a SM, but for what my husband 's desires were compared to mine it felt like a SM to him. My other stories explain a lot about how I feel about this and how I failed my husband. I admit my fault and take my blame in all of this, even his affair.
What I been thinking about is conveying some of my feelings about what our marriage was like and maybe what i thought it lacked from my point of view. I have not done much complaining or explaining my side or how I felt because I feel like it is very minimal and compared to the life I have lived and they way my husband treated me over the years I almost feel like I don't even need to bring it up or say anything. It seems very trivial. The reason I've decided to explain some of a refuser's points is because it may lead someone to conversation with their refuser if something sticks out about my experience that relates to your situation.
Please understand when I say this, and I do mean it out of sincerity from the bottom of my heart, that nothing I am going to list or talk about is an excuse for refusing intimacy with your spouse. I'm even embarrassed to list anything it does seem trivial after all I've learned about how I've made my husband feel. I know many of you are going to put the screws to me so to speak and let me have it and that's okay that is part of this process for me. I also get how many of you are suffering at the hand of someone like I once was. I am trying to take in the full scope in understanding what I have done and how it has hurt my husband and our family. I take as much blame and responsibility as he does in his affair if not more.
I have been thinking and my husband knows all of this, but none of it matters to him at all. I'm not saying he should be oh, poor wifey, look what she's had to endure. I would just like a little understanding too and acknowledgement or sincere consideration in what I dealt with also. We had a super life together other than our sexual relationship because of my low testosterone and a screwed up mind. Every other aspect was real good other than I did want him to go to Church with me. Here are a few of the things I think should have some kind of merit or weight concerning my side somewhat.
During my 20s and all my 30s I suffered from headaches about half the time or more. It seemed like it was everyday to me and it was a lot days I suffered bad headaches and neck pain also. This runs in my family, headaches, migraines. I never really thought it was migraines I thought it was stress related due to my job and I'm sure that had something to do with it also. I never tried to get help for this just road it out - why? I don't know! It never occurred to me to get help my mother never said I needed to get help she suffered with them too, but it got better as she got older. My daughter has them too many times a month sometimes it down right debilitating. She's already been to her doctor and a neurologist by my advice to her. She's gotten some migraine meds that helps when she needs it, but that kind of kicks her butt to when she has to take it. A dark room and no noise is what it would take sometimes. I still have some but not near as many as I use to and they are not as bad. I go to a chiropractor and he has helped me out with the headaches and even allergy sinus junk. Everyday, or a lot of the time, when I would pick our girls up after school, when they were young, they would ask me "mom, are you headache woman today?" Isn't that sad. They knew when I had one I was a grump and no fun. ;-(.
There were a lot of things that I didn't notice or pin point about my own body and I never recognized a lot of what was going on. I always had bad "times of the month" it was bad the week before and the week of. I had PMS and all the crap that comes with it mostly 2 weeks out of the dang month. Some women do this and some don't have it as bad. They now have a name for it PMDD or something like that. My daughter has the same problem and I told her to talk to her doctor about it and there is a medication that can be taken only when needed during those two weeks if it gets bad to help with all the symptoms. All the symptoms that make you seem like a ***** during that time. It's a real condition and it is not fun for women it sucks. It is not that we just want to be mean or a butt head. I and my daughter are different the other two weeks of the month. I don't have this 2 wk thing like I use to I received help within the last 7 yrs with medication and its made me more tolerable and more myself. You don't want to take a bunch of medication, but when I look back on it I wish I had if it would have helped me. I have also been on birth control since I was 19 yrs old and I still am. I'm am pretty sure that the BC was a huge culprit in my T levels being low and therefore low desire and arousal. Got help with that about 3 yrs ago with T cream and its made a huge difference for me, but my level was real low. I had planned to get my tubes tied after my 2nd daughter, but I didn't have an epidural during the birth and my normal doctor wasn't there so I didn't get it done. Reason was I had my first daughter c section and had a bad time with that and I wanted to get to fully enjoy this baby without pain and restrictions. I couldn't even sit up and hold my first one, had terrible pain. I waited up til 2 am in the morning to hold my 2nd one and feed her and have a good experience. When I think back I wished I had the operation and had my tubes tied. It might had made a difference in my T level after getting off BC, possibly making me have the kind of desire and passion I had before I started taking birth control. I also suggested to my husband to get a vasectomy and that wasn't perceived very well. Hmmm wonder why. JK. The moral here is I would go ahead and get off BC If you can as soon as you can and it might be just what a woman needs to get her mojo back - may not be either though. It would have been worth it to me for sure. I didn't want to be a refuser who in their right mind would unless they were just plum mean.
I'm not going to into a huge paragraph on this many are familiar with all of this all to well. I was a working mother, worked full time until they started going to school then I worked til 2:30 and sometimes brought work home. I had all the same responsibilities as every working mother does. My husband was good to help me especially when they were younger. Daily you would have school, work, then home for supper, homework, bathes, laundry, bill paying, ball practice for two almost daily and year round they both played on travel teams too it was a lot, taking my girls to church by myself, and on and on and on. I admit I was tired a lot and when you put no desire or no immediate arousal with that it makes is triple hard to come alive. Now with the desire I have and arousal at the sound of his voice it is a lot easier to respond and want it too. I have a lot more time and energy now than I ever had and our relationship is in the dump right now, it stinks.
I do want to mention a few things about romance and men. When we dated, and this was 15 yrs old and on steadily, he made me feel like I was the most important person in the world by wanting to share and talk to me. Caring about me, my day and my dreams. I did the same too making him feel loved and wanted. Then when we married as they say thing changed on both sides really. I was not as loving and affectionate as he had hoped I would be. He tried to do what he could to get me to love him in this way. It was a struggle for me from the time we got married on. Sex that is. I wanted him so bad all the time when were dating and the only thing I can go to is the birth control and low testosterone levels. This may not have been it, but I think it was the majority of it and my crazy mind regarding sex. As time goes on he gets more frustrated with me and then in return I get frustrated with him because he is now not fulfilling my needs either because he is ticked about me turning him down and then the dance begins. His no. 1 need is sexual fulfillment I know this now and mine was communication and honesty and just talking to me showing interest and also I enjoyed being with him doing activities. So it got to where he didn't really talk to me with interest like he use to. The romance faded as it always does. Do not get me wrong,my husband was good to me, always has provided and given me more than I needed. He has been very thoughtful at special times giving b day, anniv, and Christmas gifts. That is why I feel bad even saying anything. I did want the date night though and time alone with him and we didn't get this at all after our 1st daughter was born and it was our fault. He says after time he didn't want to be with me going anywhere cause he was frustrated with me. Our whole lives though, he didn't want to go anywhere with me alone or take me out and make me feel special. We had a few movie or dinner nights and when I say few I mean very few and I always felt like he didn't want to be there. We have only been away once over night without our kids. It was a surprise valentines day weekend I surprised him with steak dinner, chocolates,
Champaign, massages, whirlpool. He was about half mad when I surprised him he doesn't like surprises, I do, and he finally caved in and had a good time. I soooo wanted him to take me somewhere just the two of us and he never did. I even told him when my mom passed away after fighting leukemia and it was an awful terrible fight and very traumatic to please just take me somewhere just the two of us. He said he would its been 11+ yrs and I have yet to go anywhere with just my husband. Guys I don't know about your wives, but I like to be treated like the girlfriend every once in a while. Not the wife, but the girlfriend. Mentioning this made me think about telling him that if he had communicated with me clearly and had treated me and spent the time on me that he did his mistress wonder what would have happened to our marriage and what that would have done for us. I know if i had been loving and affectionate what that would have done for our marriage too, it would have been awesome. We were getting ready to enter empty nest soon and we should have sit down, been honest and discussed our future and what we wanted and needed from one another and talked about our problems.
A lot of what I have said above does not even come in to play in my husband trying to understand and even give me partial credit in our lives and what has happened. I know he is resentful and angry, but I've done my best to understand his thoughts, affair and even his strong feelings for another woman. Is what I said above to you unworthy of thought or consideration In all of this? Idk maybe it is, I don't think so though. I'm not asking for all of this to make it right, because it doesn't, but I think it should be considered.
Don't know of this will do anything or help anyone. I do appreciate your putting up with me on this site and I do appreciate all comments because I do put thought into and read each comment whether I totally agree or not sometimes I see things in a different light. That is kind of what I'm hoping to do is shed a different light. Thanks for listening!
RRRW 46-50, F 15 Responses 2 Jan 2, 2013