Has Anyone Been Honest With Their Spouse And Discussed The Sexless Relationship And The Desire To Outsource?

Has anyone been honest with their spouse and discussed the sexless relationship and the desire to outsource?
Yes, I have. In fact, I have been saying it for 8 years. Deep down he knows that the marriage has not been a fair one; that I was left alone to fend for myself and the children. I will move on and it will be better, when I drop most of my expectations of him. We talked about me purchasing a home in a different state, etc.. Still, how can you have a relationship with another person while you still married? If you are seeking love and companionship (and your spouse will never interfere) does the paperwork matter anyway? I need a real relationship and can't hold on anymore. For those of you, who would like to bash me, call for counseling, divine intervention or whatever, please let me be. It's hard enough and has been for a long, long time
amithecrazyone amithecrazyone
46-50, F
3 Responses Jan 2, 2013

I asked for an open marriage, she said "If it comes to that we both ought to go our separate ways."
When I figured out to my own satisfaction that she really is asexual, I told her it was over.

Someone on another forum said the following regarding asexual/sexual pairings:

"...sexual intercourse is a huge source of anxiety for them. Their personal space is too encroached upon. So when in a relationship like marriage where sex is expected, it becomes a negative for them. But rather than understanding that it is the intimacy they abhor not their loved one, they transfer that feeling to the other person..."
"The partner not getting sex feels sad, hopeless and confused. The asexual partner feels anxiety, anger and frustration."

I've read a few pieces on asexuality. Honestly, I have a difficult time accepting the idea that it's okay for a person to enter into a marriage with the expectation that a spouse act as a roommate. The word "frigidity" comes to mind. This was not my Husband's issue it was health and depression -same result. I now see that one is responsible for their life and cannot own another person and force them into acceptance

My STBX does not accept that she's asexual, and she blamed me for not being romantic enough for her.
However, she led me to believe she was anorgasmic, and never let me find out otherwise. I wanted to try to give her pleasure and she...hated it. Hated me getting her turned on at all.
When I told her that we needed to end the marriage because of her asexuality, she revealed that she m@sturbated to ****** every couple of weeks-and had always made sure I was out of the house as she did so.
I was floored.
She never allowed me to give her an ******...in 10 years, all the while saying she loved me. While giving me the coldest, most clinical lovemaking imaginable, complete with snide comments.

When you think back to the origins of your relationship, did you ever have chemistry with your wife? This is a kind of inexplicable thing, that happens organically or not.

I did, it wasn't mutual though. I once asked her if it made her feel better knowing she was attractive to me and wanted sexually.
She said it creeped her out.

I have no idea why she married you except that, it was for the wrong reason. I hope you can move beyond her to a better life.

:) thanks.

3 More Responses

The issue of still being legally married has proved more of a stumbling block that I thought it would.

I said "I'm done", more than a year ago. For all sorts of reasons to do with our child, my employment contract, associated housing, tax, etc., it made sense not to immediately pursue a legal divorce. To my mind, marriage is a quasi-religious, legal construction that has almost nothing to do with real personal relationships, sex, love, intimacy... (this seems glaringly obvious to me, as clearly you can be married and yet experience none of these good things), so this didn't seem that weird to me.

My ex (because to me, she is my ex) and I were still living in the same house, and after a few months of confusion and quite serious inner turmoil, I girded myself to go out and... well... pick up women (I'd been loyal throughout our marriage - I'm an idiot). I was pleasantly stunned to discover that there's a large number of perfectly pleasant, normal women, who enjoy sex, some of whom would happily have sex with me. Lots of people on this forum have described that weird sensation of re-discovering 'normal', personally I was dumbfounded (the flip side is the gut-wrenching realisation that you've just wasted much of your life living in a dysfunctional, distorted, delusion). I moved out of the house a couple of months after starting 'dating' - mainly because it took a while to sort out a place.

Anyway, while a number of women could quite happily start down the road of becoming lovers, it is/was noticeable that as things progress, the fact that I'm still legally married does seriously bother a lot of them after a while (even ones who have had previous marriages in which they had surreptitious affairs themselves [i.e. more than a hint of hypocrisy]). A lot of the time, they know they're not being entirely reasonable, they just can't help feeling like this.

Now obviously it could be argued that men and women may well approach this matter quite differently; all I can say is that in my personal experience, even if your marriage is completely and utterly dead, it can still bother sexual partners that you're still married on paper. I don't see why it should (when said partners have explicitly stated that they're not interested in marriage), but as things become more intimate, it does seem to matter to some people (I'm not claiming a statistically significant sample).

As a by-the-bye, the perspective that leaving gives, a few months apart, and my ex's recent behaviour, makes me realise that she's really not a very nice person (as I said, I'm an idiot), so I'd quite like to hurry up the divorce process for reasons of my own. How to do that and still easily be able to see my daughter is what's preoccupying me at the moment - it's tricky, wish me luck.

Oh, I am Idiot, too! Even without all the emotions surrounding a 22 year commitment and children, I can't untangle all the threads. But, you valued your life and took action. "Now obviously it could be argued that men and women may well approach this matter quite differently" I hope that this is the case. About your daughter, If it is your ex's intention to deny you access to your daughter this is just morally reprehensible! I would never hurt my son by denying him the love of his father. Fortunately, I suppose that most judges are familiar with the behavior of disgruntled spouses. (For your daughter's sake, Please keep a cool head) Good Luck!

Well at the end of the day it is you that will answer the questions as to have i got it right and is this what i want to be in this lofe.

Good luck