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Has Anyone Been Honest With Their Spouse And Discussed The Sexless Relationship And The Desire To Outsource?

Has anyone been honest with their spouse and discussed the sexless relationship and the desire to outsource?
Yes, I have. In fact, I have been saying it for 8 years. Deep down he knows that the marriage has not been a fair one; that I was left alone to fend for myself and the children. I will move on and it will be better, when I drop most of my expectations of him. We talked about me purchasing a home in a different state, etc.. Still, how can you have a relationship with another person while you still married? If you are seeking love and companionship (and your spouse will never interfere) does the paperwork matter anyway? I need a real relationship and can't hold on anymore. For those of you, who would like to bash me, call for counseling, divine intervention or whatever, please let me be. It's hard enough and has been for a long, long time
amithecrazyone amithecrazyone 46-50, F 5 Responses Jan 2, 2013

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I asked for an open marriage, she said "If it comes to that we both ought to go our separate ways."
When I figured out to my own satisfaction that she really is asexual, I told her it was over.

Someone on another forum said the following regarding asexual/sexual pairings:

"...sexual intercourse is a huge source of anxiety for them. Their personal space is too encroached upon. So when in a relationship like marriage where sex is expected, it becomes a negative for them. But rather than understanding that it is the intimacy they abhor not their loved one, they transfer that feeling to the other person..."
"The partner not getting sex feels sad, hopeless and confused. The asexual partner feels anxiety, anger and frustration."

I've read a few pieces on asexuality. Honestly, I have a difficult time accepting the idea that it's okay for a person to enter into a marriage with the expectation that a spouse act as a roommate. The word "frigidity" comes to mind. This was not my Husband's issue it was health and depression -same result. I now see that one is responsible for their life and cannot own another person and force them into acceptance

My STBX does not accept that she's asexual, and she blamed me for not being romantic enough for her.
However, she led me to believe she was anorgasmic, and never let me find out otherwise. I wanted to try to give her pleasure and she...hated it. Hated me getting her turned on at all.
When I told her that we needed to end the marriage because of her asexuality, she revealed that she m@sturbated to ****** every couple of weeks-and had always made sure I was out of the house as she did so.
I was floored.
She never allowed me to give her an ****** 10 years, all the while saying she loved me. While giving me the coldest, most clinical lovemaking imaginable, complete with snide comments.

When you think back to the origins of your relationship, did you ever have chemistry with your wife? This is a kind of inexplicable thing, that happens organically or not.

I did, it wasn't mutual though. I once asked her if it made her feel better knowing she was attractive to me and wanted sexually.
She said it creeped her out.

I have no idea why she married you except that, it was for the wrong reason. I hope you can move beyond her to a better life.

:) thanks.

3 More Responses

I asked my husband about outsourcing a year or so ago, when we were completely not getting along and hadn't had sex in 4 years. It seemed to make sense to me. We raise our kids in a partnership under one roof, support each other financially, and refigure things when the kids move out. He declined. He said it was abnormal and that we should work on our marriage (but refused to actually work on our marriage in any respect). Within a month I was in an affair that I have since (after 8 months) confessed to my husband. I am still in the affair as I don't see why I should stop seeing a wonderful man who gives as much as he receives and makes me so very happy. I have been so peaceful and happy since I started the affair. I wasn't getting sex at home--at all--and now I get sex. I don't know why it matters but it just does. While I am working on leaving and he knows I am leaving at some point in 2013, I continue to see my affair to remind me of all that I want in a future relationship and to remind myself what I shouldn't be settling for ... and, as I mentioned, for the sex, plain and simple. Still bemuses me how much I love sex and now need sex and won't do without. If my affair bails on me, I will go find another lover. As far as the paperwork, I am planning to do something along the lines you are considering. I'm in no rush for a divorce and maybe won't get one for a long time (we have complicated property ownership, financial dealings) but it's just a piece of paper. I was "really" divorced years ago and since the beginning of my affair, I took my rings off and in my mind I am single. He knows all this and yet has still done anything to stop me from cheating or to make things better at home. We could go on like this for years. But I won't. I'd make the step of getting out and setting up your new life and then worry about how your new relationship(s) will deal with your semi-divorced status. Maybe they, like many of us in semi-marriages, won't care. Best of luck to you.

I don't know what else to say but thank you for your empathy. After 1 1/2 years on this board, I didn't even know that there were other people who had situations that were so complicated including kids and finances that they couldn't just leave immediately. Why do you think that your husband does nothing but still; it sounds like, he still wants you to stay..It goes in ebbs and flows for me but, It's just been extremely painful for me- your comment eased my suffering

The issue of still being legally married has proved more of a stumbling block that I thought it would.

I said "I'm done", more than a year ago. For all sorts of reasons to do with our child, my employment contract, associated housing, tax, etc., it made sense not to immediately pursue a legal divorce. To my mind, marriage is a quasi-religious, legal construction that has almost nothing to do with real personal relationships, sex, love, intimacy... (this seems glaringly obvious to me, as clearly you can be married and yet experience none of these good things), so this didn't seem that weird to me.

My ex (because to me, she is my ex) and I were still living in the same house, and after a few months of confusion and quite serious inner turmoil, I girded myself to go out and... well... pick up women (I'd been loyal throughout our marriage - I'm an idiot). I was pleasantly stunned to discover that there's a large number of perfectly pleasant, normal women, who enjoy sex, some of whom would happily have sex with me. Lots of people on this forum have described that weird sensation of re-discovering 'normal', personally I was dumbfounded (the flip side is the gut-wrenching realisation that you've just wasted much of your life living in a dysfunctional, distorted, delusion). I moved out of the house a couple of months after starting 'dating' - mainly because it took a while to sort out a place.

Anyway, while a number of women could quite happily start down the road of becoming lovers, it is/was noticeable that as things progress, the fact that I'm still legally married does seriously bother a lot of them after a while (even ones who have had previous marriages in which they had surreptitious affairs themselves [i.e. more than a hint of hypocrisy]). A lot of the time, they know they're not being entirely reasonable, they just can't help feeling like this.

Now obviously it could be argued that men and women may well approach this matter quite differently; all I can say is that in my personal experience, even if your marriage is completely and utterly dead, it can still bother sexual partners that you're still married on paper. I don't see why it should (when said partners have explicitly stated that they're not interested in marriage), but as things become more intimate, it does seem to matter to some people (I'm not claiming a statistically significant sample).

As a by-the-bye, the perspective that leaving gives, a few months apart, and my ex's recent behaviour, makes me realise that she's really not a very nice person (as I said, I'm an idiot), so I'd quite like to hurry up the divorce process for reasons of my own. How to do that and still easily be able to see my daughter is what's preoccupying me at the moment - it's tricky, wish me luck.

Oh, I am Idiot, too! Even without all the emotions surrounding a 22 year commitment and children, I can't untangle all the threads. But, you valued your life and took action. "Now obviously it could be argued that men and women may well approach this matter quite differently" I hope that this is the case. About your daughter, If it is your ex's intention to deny you access to your daughter this is just morally reprehensible! I would never hurt my son by denying him the love of his father. Fortunately, I suppose that most judges are familiar with the behavior of disgruntled spouses. (For your daughter's sake, Please keep a cool head) Good Luck!

Well at the end of the day it is you that will answer the questions as to have i got it right and is this what i want to be in this lofe.

Good luck

<p>-----"Has anyone been honest with their spouse and discussed the sexless relationship and the desire to outsource?"<br />
<p>Yes. I am involved (almost 3 years now) in another relationship outside my (totally non sexual) marriage. I gave my marriage four years of trying to build intimacy to no avail. I shifted the marriage into responsible financial partner/roommate status and now live my life as I see fit. This has worked well, so far. I accepted my spouse as he is (that was year four in the marriage) and, and that acceptance had to include the knowledge that I would never again have a sexual experience with him nor would I attempt it with him (and told him so too).<br />
<p>I practice discretion but not secrecy with respect to the logistics of my other relationship. And I am prepared for divorce.<br />
<p>-----"Still, how can you have a relationship with another person while you still married?"<br />
<p>This can be difficult and one must have grit, determination, and a cool head. They must be able to compartmentalize and willing to risk what they have (if there is a risk). In my case I have almost zero responsibilities, no minor children in the house, am retired, a spouse who is cooperative, no debt and no negatives in my life - in other words, my circumstances enabled me to have the time and resources to have that parallel relationship.<br />
<p>Additionally, I have known the other person for over 27 years and we share a history, so I was not bringing a "new" person into my life. We were picking up where we left off many years ago. <br />
<p>-----"If you are seeking love and companionship (and your spouse will never interfere) does the paperwork matter anyway?"<br />
<p>Paperwork might matter with respect to a potential divorce (jursidictional dependent). If you are totally economically independent (as is the case within my marriage) then the paperwork might be of lesser importance. A lot will depend on the personality of your spouse within the context of divorce. If you two can split the marital assets without a fight, then you are golden.<br />
<p>If you are NOT economically independent the paperwork (and all those entitlements) might be of far more importance over the long haul.<br />
<p>And if you are married to someone who has the proclivity to be an *******, then all bets are off!<br />
<p>In the end you have to size up your own particular situation and, whatever you decide to do, make sure the action ADDS VALUE TO YOUR LIFE. Refrain from engaging in behavior that SUBTRACTS VALUE from your life.</P><br />
<br />
<br />
<p>I find that applying that standard has helped me tremendously in making decisions about whom to allow into my life.</P><br />

Your comments are most relevant to my situation. You have given me much of the framework, I need to address my situation. Thank you for your help! Have a Wonderful 2013!