A Complicating IssueAs people who have followed my travails here has seen, I've decided to do some work before making the big step. The "Talk" has helped somewhat, as my wife is accepting of sex, but the thing that hurts is her passive approach. I'm not excited by that, because, for whatever reason, my arousal and excitement comes from seeing the arousal and excitement in my partner, and just passivity is just . . . just . . . well, meh.
Why does that acceptance but passivity hurt? While I've suspected for a while three weeks ago and starting some counseling, it was determined that I am high functioning aspergers, on the autism spectrum. Brilliant, few social skills, a zero or negative self image. No kinesthetic issues, but then I trained myself: having issues with proprioception when younger (but, one good thing the Army taught was that if you want to be unconscious about actions, train ... train... train), that deficit is hardly noticeable.
Anyway, having a hard time interpreting social or interpersonal cues, and still not being properly assertive of my needs has led to the straits I find myself in. Discussing things with my wife, and the way she says she has tried to get my interest doesn't make sense to me. It is not just the difficulty of communication between "Mars" and "Venus" that neurotypicals stumble over . . . with us it is Earth calling Vega.
So, here is the ultimate issue for an aspie in a presumed sexless marriage. Should I try to remove myself from it, to obtain the happiness of a good marriage with another where both our needs are met - it may well be impossible for me to create such a relationship with another person. I don't expect the normal people here, the neurotypicals, to understand that. Just accept it because that is what I am. The lack of self concept, the different way of looking at the world, the basic lack of understanding social and romantic relationships is a giant hurdle to overcome.
Those are some of the issues I'll be working with in 2013 and we will see what happens. But it is necessary to get the negative emotions under control before I can move forward. There is a lot of baggage there; involuntary virginity until 29, a sexual relationship with only one woman, the meltdowns when emotional pain turns to anger. But, I know that once I get my aspie emotions under control then that will only be the start.
I'll see if working on myself is worth it because I think it will be much harder than if I was a normal person.