I Am Starting To Adapt. Is That A Good Thing?I've been married to a sweet woman for 8 years. Our sex life was always fantastic, until she got pregnant. After my oldest was born, she let me know that motherhood took too much out of her and things would take time. We probably had sex twice in about 8 months. Being used to sex 4-6 times a week, this didn't sit well with me.
I was younger then and probably acted with less maturity than I should have. I asked why she couldn't "take care of me" once in a while, despite what she might feel or not feel. That didn't go over too well as you might expect. The third time we had sex after my son was born, she got pregnant again. I guess we're not very good at birth control. ;)
Cutting to the chase, we ended up having three children in 38 months. The youngest is nearly 5 years old. We've been to counseling for our marriage. This included discussions of our sex life and many other issues. For me, most of our issues stem from lack of intimacy. My wife is a great mother, but perhaps not the greatest in other areas. I'm sure I'm no peach all the time either. That said, I think you're more likely to forgive someone for leaving the kitchen a mess or leaving the car on empty if they gave you some amazing sex the night before.
Most of our therapy indicated that she was afraid of getting accidentally pregnant again and that's why she was not interested in sex. In 2008 I got a vasectomy, thinking it would be amazing. For about six months, we started having more regular sex, then back to (new) normal.
She's a wonderful person in so many ways and a great mother but she eventually told me that she simply doesn't want sex. I asked her to check with the doctor about it and let her know that it's a big deal for me. It's simply not a big deal for her and she doesn't see a problem.
So after years of rage...and I mean smoldering rage...I started to put sex out of my mind. If we have sex once a month, that's pretty good. But instead of being constantly angry, counting the days until the next ovulation when she *might* be interested....I stopped caring. I just realized this a few months ago.
It's good because anger and frustration and the hurt at being rejected isn't a good thing. But...this can't be good either, right? I am still attracted to my wife, but even fantasies about her are dashed most of the time because my mind inserts the fact that she would likely reject me. I can't even pretend we're going to have sex.
Like many others here, I have three young children that I love. I don't want to see them 50% of the time. I'm not complaining as this is a bed I've made for myself. I just wish it was different. I had an incredibly romantic view of marriage. Not just in a sexual way, but in a sweet way in which you keep dating your spouse. I did that for years, but now, it's ridiculously hard to bring home flowers, to spring clean the house when she's away, or even plan a girls weekend for her to let her relax, when none of that has ever led to any more affection. This is my first EP post. Thanks for reading.
harveyspecter 41-45, M 17 Responses 4 Jan 3, 2013