It All Boils Down To ....Authenticity.
Well, for me anyway.
Someone made a comment in my "After the Affair" story that rattled my cage just a bit -- but I processed it all and have come to peace and further understanding of myself and my marriage and my desires for my future, so I am THANKFUL to that person. (thank you)
He said that no man would want a woman who ever cheated, no matter what I have been told.
Hmm... so I worked with that a bit in my mind.
I am okay with it if it is true and here's why -- if I can't be 100%, wholly and truly ME, flaws and all with a man, *I* don't want *him* so I would gladly set him free.
I am GLAD to know this about myself right now. Very glad.
I won't hide this fact about myself from any man in my future. He will know it all. I am 100% confident in saying that. I am not ashamed. If HE doesn't like the fact that I had an affair at the end of a very long, miserable and sexless marriage -- it's all good. We gave it a try, have a great life!
Was I justifying in that last sentence? No -- just stating what "is." Nothing I say can make another agree with me on why I am doing what I am doing. I cannot ever find a way to clearly explain my heart in a way that others 100% understand me. Even if you agree with me, you are ONLY agreeing with me ba
Yes, my actions have consequences -- I am living them. Yes, my actions have real effects on others -- but YOUR opinion of me is never TRULY ba
So... now I see soooo clearly how I royally screwed myself in this marriage from the very first date. My husband thought girls who smoke were "gross" (he still does). We were at a party and I was sneaking cigarettes on the back patio, totally hiding the fact that I smoked from him. OMG. WHAT a stupid, young fool I was.
So did I "bait and switch" him? No -- I never smoked again (glad I quit, btw). I did lie about a few other things though --- like liking sports (yeah, hate them).... um... not sure what else that is all that comes to mind - not trying to pretend to be perfect, I am more adaptable than he so I actually do have fun in most situations. If I "baited and switched," he did, too -- like enjoying the outdoors (LIE), liking country music (LIE), liking kissing (LIE), etc....
So -- the moral? Just be REAL for God's sake!!! Whatever it is!! That is a note to self and the rest of the world. Know Thyself and BE thyself. Amen. No morphing!!! It leads to absolute miserableness.