It All Boils Down To ....

Good for you, AFTD.

BEING REAL -- you just cut so much dead-wood out of your life; the ones who can't deal with that: we can be polite and respectful and politely ignore what they have to say. Not being real is denigrating yourself and an invitation to filling your life with, as well as wasting years on, people who will not contribute or share in a meaningful way.

Life is too short as it is, it's way too short not to be real. :-)

This is real and authentic to me. While I have never had an affair or cheated on someone (and I don't judge you Awake, you are right, we all form our OWN opinions based on what WE as individuals have seen, learned or experienced). I can TOTALLY relate to abandoning one's TRUE self and TRUE being for "love.". And it's not even the kind of love that you end up wanting because that person essentially doesn't even love you, him/her loves the shell you created. I have been engaging in a relationship where I am not fulfilled and it just made me think to myself, is this what I think of myself? Is this what I think I deserve? Life is so unexpected, forget tht bull abt life being too short, life can be LONG AS HELL when your living a life that doesn't make you happy. Everyone deserves happiness. Find whatever that is.

I've been in a similar situation, and I came to the conclusion that I needed to do what was right for me. Ultimately, you have done what you believe to be right for you. You owe nobody an explanation or apology.

hello,i read the post and i can in a way identify with: Awakeforthedance.Im not married but im having an affair with a married man,twice my age ,who has 4 children .it was my first time.b4 him,no guy was interested in me,i had my first kiss and sexual experience with him and its been 4 yrs and we r still together..he only wants sex and im looking for affection.sure ,the relationship wont last ,it will end one day and im not expect him to divorce his wife or marry me,i know he wont do it but he is the only man who has been interested in me and many times,i toldhim that we must stop but im the one crawling back to him,begging him to be together again.
im also afraid of other men not accept me if ever they find out abt my relationship? im lonely and feel like a single person ,can i still expect men to accept me and love mewhen they will come to know what happened?

Why does it even need to be shared? Curious...

Awake, I do not think you made a mistake by marrying at all. I also believe this affair and any other relationships that may happen are not mistakes. In fact, if your H. had not disapproved of smoking, you might well be facing a health crisis now. If you had not decided to have this affair now you would not be as motivated to make better changes in your life. So both relationships were life-changing and beneficial.

Thus, my point is any relationship should be viewed as a benefit, a blessing that lead you to becoming more "authentic", more self-actualized, more the YOU that you want to be.

As for the comment that no man will want you since you cheated, so not true....The world is full of men with their own issues and many have learned to understand through their own life choices and will find you more attractive because you did the same.

to say no man would want you because you cheated is wrong. men will want you for who you are and will understand the past. a secure man will trust you not to cheat again and will not give you cause to. if you need or desire extra sex, a smart man will share in your fun and keep it in the open.

no man can love a woman he doesn't know.

with secrets, he can only love the illusion until it gets shattered.

(same for both genders really)

Gone thu a similar experience,other who have experienced like wise,will say Haleluya,And will realise we are not the only one.Wisidomwise and logically it matter of not moral but matter of trueth And fact.Though these experiences are not 100 % universaly.But good proportion of good masses suffer under in the result of being good and plus good portion of bad luck.Being adults ,good or bad morals have nothing do to with it.It is matter of fact and life time experience.And not matter of TABOO,but it time we need to unvale taboos pluss barriars of morals the make good
people suffer.Life is too short to hide behind untold and taboos.
Sincerely. .hydi

We cannot judge if we havnt walked in that persons shoes.

You *will* find other men who can 100% relate to your situation, those are the ones that will understand how you felt and respect you. Being completely yourself with others will weed out the ones that are completely wrong for you, and draw in the ones that relate to you best. You are still in the breaking out stage, and it is true that the vows were already broken before the affair when he stopped honoring and cherishing you.

Liking kissing? That was his lie? Outrageous. :) Kissing makes the world go round.

I would have to disagree with the statement made to you though. no man would want a woman who ever cheated, no matter what I have been told. This is just not true at all, sounds like it comes from a guy who has been cheated on many times. I feel that if you have been cheated on that many times, something you are doing isn't working to keep the other person happy.

I honestly believe that everyone has it in them to cheat. All it really takes is the right person at the right time. I would have to look at the circumstances and realize that you did it because the other person was not doing their part. Marriage is a continuing effort by both parties, if one person neglects that effort then they risk just that. The right person can come along at our most vulnerable state and you know the rest.

If I, as a man, am doing everything I can to keep my partner both emotionally and physically satisfied..I would not be worried.

good god my heaad hurts now lol but thats good you can do that

"Just be real for God's sake" Amen.

"He said that no man would want a woman who ever cheated, no matter what I have been told. "

And we all reply that no woman would want a man who was such a judgmental a&&hole either, so I hope he enjoys the celebate lifestyle!

"if I can't be 100%, wholly and truly ME, flaws and all with a man, *I* don't want *him*". Absolutely!!!
This doesn't mean I am not willing to make adjustments in my life to make my wife's life better but I own my past warts and all.
Not that my opinion matters but you did nothing wrong having an affair.

Wow you said what you needed to say very well..

wow u cudnt have said it any better ! atlast some one who sees it like i do :)

I'd see some of the things you'd say as a very good way of flushing out judgemental dvckheads before wasting too much time.

And actually, I think you're kind-of judging yourself by calling it cheating in the first place. You were in an unfair contract which was already broken, with what should be a common understanding that you cannot insist on fidelity unless you're willing to stand the heat. No permission needed.

What you could say instead is that you are a passionate woman who loves intimacy, and will make sure that you get it.

I know that I contemplated a range of things I'd say if I were ever dating again to get closet refusers to pick on easier prey.

""He said that no man would want a woman who ever cheated, no matter what I have been told. "

Don't you just LOVE (*rolls eyes*) the people who speak for everyone else using their own values as a yardstick?!!!

"Cheating" only takes its meaning, in this context, from the relationship between the cheater and the cheated. In order to remain "faithful" to him, you cheated on YOU. No one wants an intimate relationship with someone who is not even faithful to him/herself. The key is honesty and integrity, as you said.

"He said that no man would want a woman who ever cheated, no matter what I have been told. " Oh, dear how bigheaded the person is!

Probably consider himself a religious and highly moral... Lol...
“Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.”
“Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven;"

You are only human...

Would that all started with the clarity to be THEMSELVES, as opposed to making it all fit into whatever cookie cutter the other brings to the table. I suspect that while the marriage age might creep up a bit....the divorce rate would go down by ten times that amount.

It is hard enough to deal with it all as we change through experience.

It is impossible if we never were the person who's part we give up on acting as, many years later, coupled with all of the "normal" change we go though.

I am not above "outsourcing" - I just recognize that I would not be very good at a continued state of doing that. It would be hypocritical to hold the ideal that someone else should be above it.

Who gave this guy the right to speak for all men?

At the time of your supposed affair, your marriage was over in your mind. It had been for years. You fought with yourself to stay in your marriage cuz of the kids and it was the right thing to do for them. You woke up every morning to tend to your family and other things to find yourself in bed at night laying next to the man you were once in love with but feeling lonely, unhappy, sexually unpleased, and felt empty in your heart. Everything happens for a reason right? I don't know the man, but I know men. He was probably having affairs before you even had the thought cross your mind. Now, just keep in mind that this post of yours was the only one Ive read you have written. All of what I said is just a guess. I bet I'm pretty close to the actuality of it all though.

Who would judge a person in a painful marriage and not show just who they are by judging. I do not think you have anything to worry about. We all look back on some of the stuff we did and wonder why we did it or think now if I had done this other thing, it all might have turned out better. However, hindsight is easier than foresight when you are in emotional pain. You did well to last until the end of the marriage trying to do "right". Now we know the right thing we should have done is to end the marriage the first time we even saw that we married the person who would torture us.

***high fives you*** Keep on keepin on sista.

Lying is just pain on the installment plan.

Great post! Don't stop being YOU! :)

I will put the case that being the "authentic you" is a very fluid concept.

At times, the "authentic you / me" is a frightened indecisive victim. At times, that is who we are.

At times, the "authentic you / me" is a confident decisive individual. At times, that is who we are.

The "authentic you / me" is a work in progress, it is never static, it never ends. Every part of life that stripes you up - or elevates you to the next level - forms part of this process. And the route is NOT without backsliding at times either.

What we are talking about here is your / my search for self knowledge. A process that may well have an identifiable starting point, but no discernable end point.

The guiding principle behind the process is informed choice. If this principle is embraced, then the rest of the "authenticity" / "self improvement" / call it what you will - takes care of itself.

There are a number of people in our group who I think of as 'really evolved people'. Sister mvcmvc would be such an example. A pretty good standard for me to aspire to I reckon. Yet, I would bet that if you asked the sister if she had reached her goal of being fully evolved, she would reckon you were crazy. There is always more to go. It is a beautiful thing really.

You are evolving Sister A. This is a great thing to be doing.

Tread your own path.