Life Is Good. A Report From The Other Side.

I was in a sexless marriage. I posted many of the details earlier, but in short, 14 years of marriage, little sex in the beginning, almost no sex after my first child, no sex at all for the last two years. I cheated, was caught, went through marital therapy, was told that her lack of interest in sex was my fault (didn't do the dishes, didn't approach her correctly, she was tired when I wanted sex, I forgot to lock the front door, etc...). I gave up and we separated 9 months ago.

Life is much better now.

1. I see now that the sex was the most traumatic problem, but there were other issues that were problems as well. They were masked by the pain of sexual rejection.

2. I see now that we were living the life that she wanted - it may have been unconscious, but it wasn't accidental. For us to work, she would have needed to recognize that this was her problem, not mine, and taken responsibility for it.

3. I didn't do "everything" I could have to "save" the marriage.
I was too angry, too hurt. I could have waited another year, two. Tried harder to get her into therapy (maybe she could change). I feel guilty about that sometimes. But I'm young now. I can start over. And don't know that I could have gotten past the rejection. And maybe some things are not forgivable.

On the positive side:

Regular sex with a girlfriend is great. I had forgotten what intimacy without bagage feels like, and it is really nice.

My man parts are up and working again, without any little blue pills. After 10 years of rejection, micromanagent of the sex when it did happen, sudden headaches cutting things off in the middle of the action, I was having problems. It took 6 months with an enthusiastic partner, but is is all great now.

The kids are doing great. I probably spend more time with them now than I did before. And the time I have with them is fun, and not micromanaged (see #1 above) . I think that getting the kids some time away from my ex will do them good. Don't get me wrong, she is a caring mother, but she tends towards the smothering and her general lack of passion was reflected in a coolness with the kids I didn't notice before. And her "nesting" instinct, which kept us home, also was keeping the kids home.

I'm feeling really good about myself. Life is good. I'm alternating nights with my kids with nights having crazy sex marathons with the girlfriend. Going out to dinner. Seeing movies. Going to the gym. Hanging with friends. I have a life again.

I'm fortunate to have a good girlfriend, some great friends, and to have worked out a good schedule with the kids.
icancounttopotato icancounttopotato
36-40, M
9 Responses Jan 3, 2013

Hi, there! Good for you, that you took your life back! Just proves again that we can only change our own luck, not by sitting there and do nothing, but to make that change and do something! So thanks for sharing your story, it was very helpful indeed.

Awesome! glad to hear how happy u are and that u can share that happiness new found with your kids!

The beautiful simplicity of living a genuinely "normal" life has a huge amount going for it.

Tread your own path.

Thank you for your helpful posts. Your moral clarity was critical for me during a difficult time.

" I see now that the sex was the most traumatic problem, but there were other issues that were problems as well. They were masked by the pain of sexual rejection. "

Yep. Turning 'counter-refuser' has helped me to see this more clearly. Not that I've actually refused as it hasn't been requested.

Thanks for sharing. It is especially helpful to hear that your kids are ok.

Thank you for coming back and sharing, it is nice to hear that it is possible to find that happiness again.

I love the fact that you have reported how well your life is going now. We truly need people to come back to this forum after successfully negotiating changes in their lives and report those changes!

I am delighted that you AND your kids are getting a better deal. And as for the girlfriend, you are indeed a very lucky man! Remember to tell her that!! {{{hugs}}}

thank you for your regular contributions here. They made a big difference for me.

Nice to hear a success story from the other side. Keep it up!

Thats fantastic outcome.

Good to hear the kids have adjusted well too. I only hope my own story can end so positively!