Life Is Good. A Report From The Other Side.I was in a sexless marriage . I posted many of the details earlier, but in short, 14 years of marriage, little sex in the beginning, almost no sex after my first child, no sex at all for the last two years. I cheated, was caught, went through marital therapy, was told that her lack of interest in sex was my fault (didn't do the dishes, didn't approach her correctly, she was tired when I wanted sex, I forgot to lock the front door, etc...). I gave up and we separated 9 months ago.
Life is much better now.
1. I see now that the sex was the most traumatic problem, but there were other issues that were problems as well. They were masked by the pain of sexual rejection.
2. I see now that we were living the life that she wanted - it may have been unconscious, but it wasn't accidental. For us to work, she would have needed to recognize that this was her problem, not mine, and taken responsibility for it.
3. I didn't do "everything" I could have to "save" the marriage.
I was too angry, too hurt. I could have waited another year, two. Tried harder to get her into therapy (maybe she could change). I feel guilty about that sometimes. But I'm young now. I can start over. And don't know that I could have gotten past the rejection. And maybe some things are not forgivable.
On the positive side:
Regular sex with a girlfriend is great. I had forgotten what intimacy without bagage feels like, and it is really nice.
My man parts are up and working again, without any little blue pills. After 10 years of rejection, micromanagent of the sex when it did happen, sudden headaches cutting things off in the middle of the action, I was having problems. It took 6 months with an enthusiastic partner, but is is all great now.
The kids are doing great. I probably spend more time with them now than I did before. And the time I have with them is fun, and not micromanaged (see #1 above) . I think that getting the kids some time away from my ex will do them good. Don't get me wrong, she is a caring mother, but she tends towards the smothering and her general lack of passion was reflected in a coolness with the kids I didn't notice before. And her "nesting" instinct, which kept us home, also was keeping the kids home.
I'm feeling really good about myself. Life is good. I'm alternating nights with my kids with nights having crazy sex marathons with the girlfriend. Going out to dinner. Seeing movies. Going to the gym. Hanging with friends. I have a life again.
I'm fortunate to have a good girlfriend, some great friends, and to have worked out a good schedule with the kids.