Thoughts On A Sm Marriage: Has He Been Using Me?So, as my marriage is unraveling, and lawyers are getting involved, mediators being interviewed and scheduled, etc. I had a thought the other day that was so sick, I hate to even think about it, but it's entirely possible.
I typed this text to my mom the other day:
Omg. I have a thought. Did STBX stay with me because I supported him financially and made him buy a house and have kids?
Then, as soon as I left work and stayed home I was no longer of value to him?
Because by then, I had encouraged him to step up and stand up for what he was worth financially?
So, I talked to her about it tonight. See, when we got married, I thought he totally had his **** together, where as I felt completely decimated. I had just returned from NYC to live at home with my mom, to recover and return back to NYC in a few months. Then, I met STBX 2 weeks later, and well, history.
What I learned after we had been married for less than a few months was that he in fact did NOT have his **** together, and in fact knew exactly 0% about anything. This includes (men, be prepared to cringe) not knowing anything about and/or using regular tools, power tools, simple home repairs, money, finances, etc. I quickly realized that he had not only no knowledge of any of these things, but also no interest (including no apparent interest in showing me affection or having sex). I offered to take over the finances, paying bills, savings, etc. and I have for the last 9+ years, day in and out. My STBX has had ZERO involvement in building wealth, saving, etc. Not that that is what it is all about, but stability to me is pretty damn important.
Well, what I'm now wondering is this:
Has he been using me this whole time because I was doing EVERYTHING for him? And when I mean everything, I mean it. Chores, cooking, shopping, arranging trips, arranging dates, having kids, raising kids, being the primary breadwinner for years, supporting him so he could work part-time and also tour with his band. Yeah, **** like that. And then, when I quit my VERY SUCCESSFUL job 2 years ago to stay home with my boys, it suddenly became his expectation that "my job" was to take care of the kids and the house 100%, and his job was to bring home the bacon. And he has criticized me for not doing "my job" well, even though I have.
Also, I find it interesting that he would be seriously considering divorce for the last year (since beginning of 2012) coinciding with when my contract position I had for the year 2011 was up, as well as when I was at my deepest low of depression, and was trying to get my meds right. Almost like he decided to hit me when I was down, out of disgust.
So. Am I being paranoid? Am I thinking about this too much? Does ANY of this even sound remotely possible?
Also, please keep in mind that my physical, emotional and sexual intimacy with my STBX ended basically as soon as we got married. Yup, that's 9+ years folks. And for the last year, absolutely NO SEX. He was only recently diagnosed with Low Testosterone, after years of giving me excuse after excuse of why he "couldn't perform" or was "too nervous" or some other lameass excuse. Also, he's extremely emotionally detached and Passive/Aggressive. Fun, fun.