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I Live In A Sexless Marriage Due To Ed And Am Looking For A Way Out

It took me a long time to realize it, but I have finally some to the conclusion that I am impotent and there is little that can change it. Without appearing to feel sorry for myself, I have to admit that it is an awful state of existence.

I have been unable to perform with a partner since my teenage years. In fact, I have had this problem since the first time I had intimate contact with another person. Physically, I am able and completely healthy. I and in my early 40's, run 5 - 10 km's a day, lift 4 days a week and have the numbers of a 16 year old. I am attractive, educated and am well compensated. I get erections in the morning, and sometimes can become erect when ************, but only in certain contexts. I am not gay, I have an extremely high libido and desire just about every woman I meet.

The trouble is that I cannot have sex with them.

I was raised in an abusive household. I was never overtly sexually abused, but lived with parents who practiced a more insidiuous form of sexual abuse, to both each other and their children. I was raised in a household where needs were not met, and where asking for help and recognition was forbidden. I recognize that this may be the root of my problems. As sex is about asking something of someone else and connections, I realize that I am perhaps not equipped to do so.

I have been married twice and am currently married to a woman who doesn't quite understand the gravity of the problem. I have probably, in total, successfully had penetrative sex 10 times over a lifetime. I have fathered two children, though one ended in abortion. The other is now an adult.

Life with this condition is difficult. I live knowing that I can never connect with another person in totality. It's an isolating, lonely existence. While masculine attitudes toward sex are often framed as a sum of self-interested aggression, I suffer not because I can't get what I want, but rather because I can't give what I want to give.

Looking at **** is a depressing experience. I mostly enjoy *********** where women are clearly enjoying themselves. Perhaps it's a substitute for a pleasure I can never have, but at the same time it is a constant reminder that I lack to ability to give a woman pleasure in this way.

Watching my peers, who seem to effortlessly go through the motions without thought or hesitation is equally depressing and humiliating. I envy them greatly.

I have been through counseling (and am now), have tried just about everything I could, but now I'm to the point where I'm about to give up. If I am to be this lonely for the rest of my existence, better to end it now than suffer any longer.

I have forced two women to suffer through sexless marriages. All of my girlfriends have left because of this. The present marriage looks like its falling through the cracks. I can't imagine trying again, but don't want to live alone for the rest of my life. I can't, in good conscience, ask another woman to sacrifice herself again.

If that seems like a message of suicide, it is. While I have no short term plans to follow through (so please don't send the authorities), I can't see many other long term solutions.

Note: I have been called a liar because of a previous post of my own sexual anxiety, which made no mention of erectile problems. Please understand that both posts are very sincere. If I had all the answers to my psychological problems, I wouldn't be needing to post here.

I mean no offense to everyone. Peace.
gurg gurg 36-40 11 Responses Jan 4, 2013

Your Response


join a swingers club

Instead of the drastic measure of a penile implant, why not first try the vacuum device?

It is obvious you are sincere. You posted what is a very painful issue with you & I commend you for having the courage & initiative to open up. I think there are several things you could still look into. First off, the fact that you're in counseling is wonderful, it shows an initiative on your part to change your condition. Please remember, that therapists are like spouses, not every counselor is right for every patient. Also, different counselors practice different methods of treatment. For both of the previous mentioned reasons, if you have seen the therapist for what you consider an adequate length of time with no real progress, I would recommend seeking out another one. Perhaps a psychiatrist (who can prescribe medications if needed) & one who is trained in sexual abuse & dysfunctions. Second, you said you were healthy, does that mean you've had your hormone levels checked? If not, I would recommended at the very least Thyroid & Testosterone levels be checked by your primary Dr. or an Endocrinologist (Dr. who specializes in hormonal issues). Because, impotency can be due to physical, psychological, hormonal, or a combination of these. There are medications & even surgical procedures that can help with ED.....Sorry if you have already looked into all this. I didn't see it in your post & just wanted to give your some different areas to look into. It sounds like you are depressed which a psychiatrist might treat you for (however, you'd want to be sure to get a medication that doesn't cause sexual dysfunction). I hope at least some of this helped. Please continue to look into this, you are very much aware of your problem & I think self-aware people have the best outcomes because they know their bodies & take the initiative to look into treatment.
**My husband also has ED but he changes the subject when it is brought up & takes no initiative in trying to change his situation** Good luck to you & please keep us posted. :)

Good advice.

I will never take you as a liar, I can feel you sincerity dripping from you words,and I also can feel you are really suffering, and you are lonely and that take me to think what a gigantic responsibility to be mother or father, because to love and protect a human being its not only provide for food and clothes and that long list of materialistic stuff in what our parenting got lost very often, our kids are carrying away our mistake and neglecting during their whole life and can be affected in all sort of ways, this is another example in how many difference shapes the abuse can be presented and how the damage can drag another people life if we don't cut the vicious circle. It is difficult to understand you problem, from the sexual point of view you are not fulfilled yourself, and you can not fulfilled the partner (wife) that you love, but the really bad part is that you are missing the soothing effect of make love and the sense of belong and connect in that level that make you believe you are loved and protected from all the evilness from the outside world. This is not about a physical act of fuc*k , you are physical healthy. So I think you have to work first that wall that is blocking you from fully perform but is psychological first, then physical I agree that hypnosis is the best to solved the problem deep down in you subconscious, and also to remember thing that you don't even know are affecting you cause you don't remember then, sometimes are isolated incidents, sometimes patrons that happens for a long time, but bring them to surface help you to fight them and overcome it. still looking dont give up, there solution outside for those that never get tired , will be bad days, but also good days and you happiness is completely worth the fight.

Dont feel bad about all these people on here ripping you. It is a tough bunch. My one lone post drew considerable fire so I feel your pain so to speak.

If you are having mental erection problems, what turns you on? What turns your wife on? Ever thought of setting her free to **** another guy? Maybe that's what you need. Embrace your sexual failure and try to turn it around into something exciting. Let the wife humiliate you. Serve her orally. Wait on her hand and foot but tell her you can deliver 90% of what she needs in a man and a marriage and that you fantasize about bringing in a surrogate for
tha other ten. Imam trying to make something like that happen in my life.

Anyway, you need to change the status quo

Suggestion? First off, do go see a urologist to doublecheck for physical problems...
Assuming there are none: try hypnotherapy...not just hypnotism, but see an actual certified-specialist hypnotherapist.
This clearly is making you utterly miserable. I urge you to try to find a solution for your own sake.

Okay, I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt. It seemed to me you have psychological ED linked to the sexual trauma you suffered as a child. I heard about that condition before

Perhaps you should join this 'survivors' website for moral support

If everything else fails, Bazz's idea regarding penile implant is a brilliant long term solution.

I am loathe to touch this one as it is likely a shonk, however -

- if you can crack a fat in the morning, then the equipment is capable. What would happen if you got a penile implant (as used by some severe diabetics) so you could manually pump the old feller up on an as needs basis ?

Tread your own path.

I was considering making this suggestion as well. This is not a crazy idea. If this is important, then all things must be considered. I don't think this is all that crazy at all. But, you have to be sure that the problem can't be fixed other ways.

Ditto. Tread your own path.

I recommend this if all else fails too...
This option means you'd permanently never have to worry about losing an erection while having sex...EVER...which is an ability a lot of guys would envy you.

I want to mention a couple of things of what you have written. First of all, you are certainly hurting, and I feel your pain. Frustrating all the way. It would be awful to be in this situation, and to have sexual desire that can't be fulfilled sounds like a kind of hell. The to have your relationship damaged further because your spouse is interested and you can't perform would be ego deflation at a high level. I feel your pain and express sorrow with you. It must feel horrible.

I have a question and suggestion. I have done a fair amount of reading on sexual addiction (because I tend to fall into this category for different reasons--AND I am not suggesting you are in this place, so don't read that into this!) and found something VERY interesting.

The use of p0rn and m*sturbation has grown exponentially in North America in that last two decades. Never before the advent of the internet has it been more available, and the fallout of this new social experiment--namely having sexual gratification at the click of a button and the stroke of a hand--has not been completely explored. But, one thing that is happening and has gotten the attention of clinical psychologist and mental/family health professionals is the parallel increase of ED problems, that include delayed ***********, partial erection to no erection problems, etc. Studies are showing that these problems are not happening to those with health problems--they are happening to those who USE.

There is a web site out there that has some pretty good info on this. It is called "" (put a letter in the place of the zero in this link. I don't know if this site will post it otherwise."

If you are able to get an erection in the morning,...or if you are able to ********* to p0rn and m*sturbation use, might be in the boat of a LOT of people. That web site will offer some information and help.

For a while I was really frightened because things down there were,...well, kindof limp most of the time. I was using,..and my body was doing exactly what that web site said would happen.

So, this is a suggestion that might or might not be helpful. Either way, I REALLY hope you can find some hope and a way to work through this. It sounds horribly difficult.

All the ********* above are for the word ejacul*tion. I hate how this site takes a very appropriate word and kills it.

the more I understand the brain on ****, the more I know I will have to teach my kids to stay away from that ****. It's all a lie, and does no one other than those that profit financially, any good.

Rob go to "Account Settings" (under your User name) and change "Content Filtering". Uncheck both boxes and then you can post any words you use without censorship.

WOW! Thanks. Didn't realize it was on my viewing that filtered,...not on the main site. Can see all my "bad" words now. LOL

For years p0rn use was thought of as a religious moral issue. The stuff they are finding now just scared the hell out of me. Like smoking--years ago thought of as just a moral issue--low and behold in time was discovered to actually cause damage. Same thing is happening with p0rn.

I read some work from a nerosuergeon years ago. He was looking for biological markers for addiction. What he found changed the definition of addiction in the medical community: drug addiction is clear, as is alchohol. But there were actual biological markers that they could identify and confirm for gambling, sexuality including p0rn, and obesity. Yep....obesity has a biological marker for addiction.

CRAZY! But, damage happens. Heavy p0rn use which may or may not include m*sturbation shrinks part of your brain.

I wish to God I wasn't making this up!

Hmm... a tricky one.

I don't use ****. I have no problem with nudity - generally choose nude beaches, enjoy looking at naked women and lech. I just find **** to be manipulative. It's all too often crass marketing. I like real people and real sex. ****'s just an industry that feeds on frustration. They're just feeding on us.

No, that came out wrong. I'm not anti-****. I just wish it was better.

As this problem began in the mid 80's, well before the internet, I doubt my problem has anything to do with ****.

Apologies. Went off on a tangent, replying to Rob4Hope. Wasn't meant as a suggestion as an underlying cause for your own problems.

I wasn't thinking. You have my sympathies.

5 More Responses

<p>From your June 2011 story I REFUSE TO HAVE SEX (also published in the ILIASM forum at the same time of which you received 58 responses). "I will never have sex again. I am healthy and have a normal sex drive. I hate sex more than anything else, though. I am married and have not had any sexual contact for more than a year. Sex is evil, wrong and inhuman in my mind, though I am aware that the rest of the world does not agree with me. I don't know what to do about it. I have to live a secret life, no one, besides my wife, knows I am sexless, though even she does not know why.</P><br />
<p>Are there other people like me?"</P><br />
<p>In this story you posit that sex is evil. There is no mention of long term ED in this story. </P><br />
<p>Something ain't adding up on this gurg.</P>

Thanks for the "heads up" on this one mvc. Gurg, you are a liar it would seem. One of these stories is a lie - which one?

Actually, both are true. It's taken a lot of soul searching to figure out why I live without sex, why I have such anxiety toward it and what to do from now on.

As in the previous story, I really don't understand the hostility. What I have written is very genuine.

If the two stories sound contradictory, I am sorry. None of this is easy for me to confront, and I'm not sure that I understand it all.

Again, my sincerest apologies for offending anyone.

If both sides are true, why do you not say this in both stories? You obviously have some extraordinarily deep seated issues with sex and that is cause for your personal pain and anguish. I am very sorry for you.

BUT! the first story says that you believe "Sex is evil, wrong and inhuman ". The second says: "I have an extremely high libido and desire just about every woman I meet.

The trouble is that I cannot have sex with them."

Whilst I can see that these positions MAY not be mutually exclusive (you say they aren't) I do have trouble reconciling one with the other. HOW do you reconcile "an extremely high libido" and "desiring every woman" with thinking sex is "evil, wrong and inhuman"? Doesn't the latter belief cancel out the former??

Please explain - I am VERY confused!!

Simply put, a person can have desires, but find those desires reprehensible. That one can't act on those desires leads one (me, in this case) to create a protective morality. This is something I have been working on for quite some time.

Saying "sex is evil" is a convenient way of repressing a deep seated desire for sex.

It's like a little kid that, knowing he or she can't get what he or she wants, complains that "it sucks anyway."

Does this help? Understand, that I've been working on this for quite some time. The original post was from 2011.

You have my sincere sympathy.

Thank you, that's very kind.

Again, I mean no offense to anyone.

Thankk you for the explanation.

Gurg, do you use p0rn? I'm not going to judge you if you do or don't. But, the combination of the love women and having a high desire, and feeling like sex is reprehensible sounds like a p0rn deal. I've used, and it has hurt me. But I don't think sex is wrong or bad. I DO believe that p0rn is immoral,..and that because I use it, there is a part of me that is an immoral part. I am working to heal that part--it is called personal growth and goal setting. I want to be a better person.

But, part of the frustration I have personally experienced in my marriage when being rejected by my wife and then finding solace and relief (all be it I believe an illigitamate version) through p0rn has led me to also believe that sex is bad and undesirable. In fact, in my case, I have felt I was born wrong because I had a sexual desire in the first place.

The bottom line is that for me, sexuality needs to be fixed in my relationship with my wife,...and p0rn just hurts. So, I am working to heal the feelings I have that seem to need that.

If you use, regardless of whether you feel it is right or wrong is immaterial. Do you use?

If not, I think I have another idea that helps me understand why you feel the way you do. But, I'm curious about this avenue first.

No, I really don't much care about ****. Again, my problem started in the mid 80's.

First, I believe you even when you contradict yourself. You are like my husband. He finally admitted that his low testosterone has affected his libido (duh! That's kind of the main things that happens - but he kept denying!).

Anyway, it is not so far fetched to see how you could have written two very different posts. It's what we call in literary terms being an unreliable narrator. But that doesn't make you a liar or a con artist.

I am a frustrated woman when it comes to basic intimacy - not just sex. If my husband were more straight up with me I would be a lot more sympathetic. But he keeps things to himself, poorly articulates his feelings, and responds to my inquiries by ignoring me completely.

Marriage is not just about sex. It is about communication and connection.

Not having sex is not a reason for dying. No one ever died from their inability to consummate a relationship. It is the depression, anger, fixation of the importance of sex or making babies that kills us.

I was on another public forum and watched a poor woman get ripped to shreds. If you are looking for validation and for people to convince you not to end your life then I say be careful. Good luck to you. Keep writing. I think this is actually helping you process your thoughts and feelings. It can be harder for men than for women.

Thank you for your very sober reply. As you say, the point is to have conversations to help process a number of thoughts, some of which may be contradictory.

I also wish you the best.

If you put the two stories together... it sounds more like mental health issues

9 More Responses

There are other way to satisfy a woman sexually. Communication and mutual understanding is the key. Am sure you may have gone through the talks. Since you mentioned you can get an erection, it's not physical ED but mental ED. Try the little blue pill for physical. For mental, seek therapy with your wife together. Get her involve and let her understand your issues. Gook luck!!