Miserable In My Relationship

My GF and I have been together for about 5 years. She is turning 50 in a month and I will be 48 this year. I am 5'8" around 170lbs, she is 5'4" around 220lbs. I came from a marriage where I had no passion for my wife and she has had 3 marriages all ending badly. We have known each other for most of our lives. When we got together everything was great, we kissed, loved, experimented. Now things couldn't be much different, we rarely kiss or hug unless I do it and most the time it is ignored or she pushes me away. Sex is only when she wants it, and it is usually only oral on her, once she comes its over and time for sleep. She has no problem asking for a massage but when I ask when I'm going to get one, it's always "later...maybe", it's really "never".
She continues to say she loves me and says that she doesn't think I'm happy anymore with her. I love her and find her sexy even though she has gained about 60lbs since we started living together. She says the reason she doesn't want to have sex is because she is uncomfortable with her body now. Except when she is horny then she seems comfortable enough with it, until she is satisfied. I know she loves me because of other things but this lack of loving emotions and passion is killing me. I now have developed ED, which hasn't responded to meds, which leads me & Dr.s to believe it is a mental issue. She doesn't touch me unless she has been drinking then usually its to pinch, poke, slap or otherwise cause me pain. I don't know, I love her but this is killing me. I tend to stay by myself in the bedroom playing on the computer or watching movies, when we are together in the living room she is either on her laptop or reading a book, but when I'm not there she complains that I don't want to be with her. It is frustrating and confusing. Trying not to cheat or JO, but just the lack of touch is driving me insane.
mrjefferson mrjefferson
46-50, M
6 Responses Jan 4, 2013

Wow.. I briefly read the responses from the other readers.. You were expressing your pain/longing... misery.. lack of self esteem.. .. not asking for ways of treating the ED.. (been there, am that) Yes; I am also a member of your same club... in many ways..
I share your pain regarding the occasional longing but total lack of ability.. Does ****/fantasy get you excited at all?? If 'words' can be any kind of mental turn on, I was into asian dating sites for a while.. I could be 'in control' and the ladies would "reluctantly" talk about which type of sex they would promise me if we were married.. Hey; better than nothing.. Please let me know if this was at all helpful or if YOU get any new ideas...

2 of her marriages ended because of abuse to her by her husbands, one is in jail do to similar issues. She was also raped when in her 30's. It hasn't always been this way with us just the past 2 years. She is also experiencing menopause and some health issues.

She may have very legit reasons for feeling angry. She does not get a free pass to take her anger out on you, though.

Hylie and Essie nailed it. For example: I suffer from severe depression. It is hard on my loved ones at times, especially my partner. But I do NOT get a pass on managing my problem simply because it can be difficult. Nor do I get to inflict pain on others because I am suffering. Your wife may have different reasons (to mine) but she has the same responsibility - to behave appropriately.

This is tricky, and I doubt I'll get my words pitch perfect, but I'll give my thoughts. I don't have a large sample to go on, but I've run into a surprising number of women who want things a bit rougher. They want to be taken. I have no idea whether it's as common as my experience would suggest or whether I just attract women like this, or... but dating again, and experiences before my SM have caused me to notice this. No means yes, is a decidedly uncomfortable thing to deal with. Self aware people handle this by giving a blanket consent. The less self aware can't understand or explain what they want and have a much more difficult time.

The reason why I mention this is the bedtime physical wrestling/aggression is pretty standard fare for someone of this type. They're trying to goad you. Being attracted to violent men is also part and parcel of the whole thing and an obvious problem that crops up. I'm probably way off, but I can't help but wonder if your wife's refusing might not be connected with a sexuality that conflates sex with aggression. That to her, possibly, no means yes. As I said, tricky stuff, and I've no doubt I'll deeply regret having written this.

Physical abuse is a clear sign you need to leave.
It says you are not physically safe there.
You don't deserve this. She doesn't deserve you.

"I know she loves me because of other things but this lack of loving emotions and passion is killing me."
My wife said she loved me, all the while she was cold, distant, controlling and critical.
Your GF may say she loves you, but she's not showing love in her actions.

Be glad you're not husband number four. She has a pattern, and you are fitting right in.

Your ED is just your body telling you what your head doesn't want to accept.

"...she has had 3 marriages all ending badly." What were the reasons? Is she able to keep passion just for short time and then just ignore the partner? Maybe it is her pattern? Stop doing what you doing if you want any change... I mean stop to care about her satisfaction before you get yours... You are being used. Even if you love her very much, you still deserve respect and appreciation... She will either start to change her attitude in order to get some intimate attention from you or ignore you even more... Stand up for yourself...

<p>&nbsp;<p>Dysfunctional relationships **** with your head, get you thinking weird ****, get you making uninformed choices which then feed back into the dysfunctional loop.</p><p>You, brother mrjefferson, are being played like a piano. And your thinking is so distorted that you can't see it.</p><p>A bit of time away from this toxic environment would likely break the loop and let your thinking catch up with the facts of your situation. When that happens that "bit of time away" would become a permanent choice I believe.</p><p>Tread your own path.</p><p></p>