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After three years of sexlessness and seeking legal advice I knew that something had to change and really thought I was ready for it. But procrastination set in...a little fear of change I guess. But the holidays brought a new low in our "relationship". Due to extended family (mine) coming to visit for the holidays my husband was forced (and I do not use the term loosely) to give up the guest bedroom and sleep in our bed. I was astonished. He literally brought his own pillows and blanket and proceeded to sleep on top of the covers. The next night he pushed my covers away from his side and slept under his covers. Before the week was out he was sleeping inverted in the bed - his pillows at the foot near my feet, his feet at the head near mine. Yeah, even I was totally speechless. His excuse he didn't want the light from the TV in his eyes "turn it off then" "naw I want it on," He also insisted on sleeping with the door open even though our bedroom is in the direct path to the kitchen. This arrangement continued for two weeks. When the guests left so did he leaving no trace that he had ever been in the master bedroom.

This left me with no doubt that it is completely over and co-existing in this manner is not healthy for me. He left me with absolutely no question of his abhorrence of any hint of intimacy with me. I was so tempted to say "Don't worry, I promise I won't touch you or breathe on you." So 2013, I am preparing financially, career-wise to move on. Just because you don't argue does not mean your relationship isn't dysfunctional. This house was my dream home...but I have to leave it. This just isn't right.
vecca vecca 46-50 8 Responses Jan 5, 2013

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Your husband's reaction to you is so hurtful; I am so sorry! I can't imagine. Is he going to surprised when you move to exit? How is he going to react. Also, about your fellow church members, please don't worry about how other people will react. It's your life 24 hours a day; others, if they even care, think about it for 24 seconds max.

I think he will be surprised, the church will be surprised but my family knows so I'll be okay

Vecca, you have been collaborating with him in showing thw world a different view of you two as a couple than is the real truth. IMO it is time to be your AUTHENTIC self and insist on your authentic needs. He can choose to accommodate these or not.

Currently YOU are doing all the accommodating. Why?? Surely financial reasons are insufficient to keep you chained to this impossible situation . . . ??

yep attorney told me I was an enabler

Then the real question - upon which all this hangs - is, what are you doing to address your enabling behaviour ?? The answer to that one can come only from you.
The enabling is NOT his problem. It is YOURS.

Time to move on. You don't have a marriage, you have a dependent. Doesn't matter what it will cost you, you will, worst case, be happier alone, and best case, will find someone who actually likes you and gives as much as (or more than) he takes.

How terrible.....

My ex slept with me for most of the relationship. It was so empty and sad. We NEVER had sex....occasional affectionate contact. The majority of time he would cuddle the dogs for hours and never touch me. It was lonely and I felt constantly rejected.

It sounds like it's actually good that things are completely over. At lease you know to move on. If you've already visited with an attorney, what is holding you back from taking further action?

The old adage comes into play here.


I share the difficulties you are having with your spouse.....

My wife also , due to the holidays, slept with me on christmas ever,,,,,,,,,so the kids think she has feelings for me. Ever since,,,she is back to her own bed,,,,,,sleeping with the cat that also avoids me. ( yes,,,I know , 2 pu**ies that want nothing to do with me)

Stay strong,,,,,,there are others her who share your plight.

Are you at all still attracted to your husband,,,,physically? Does he stay in shape ?

We are both in very good shape and he is an attractive man and together we make an attractive couple. But no one would even suspect that it's an oscar worthy performance all for the cameras....The ONLY time we touch is in church...our church members would be SHOCKED to know the example of marriage we really are. I finally shared with my family after the consultation with the attorney. I had to feed them small bits because they too could not believe that we are living like siblings or roommates.

I so know what you are going through.........

I think we could challenge you guys for that Oscar.....

That is a low point. Mine still let's me beg and placates me with a little action once in a while. I mostly get "I am tired," " I am sick, not feeling well." You definitely need to go get a new situation. But we still share a bed. Just big pillows between us. Divorce and good luck.

I have never asked why he moved into the guest room, why we quit and continue to not have sex, why we do not kiss, hug, or so much as hold hands. I used to grab his hand just to aggravate and watch him squirm but that game got old after a while.

maybe you should be direct,,,and ask a direct question.

" Why do you have no interest in sex?"

Also,,,,,a good maneuver to watch a sexless spouse squirm is get naked in front of them,,,,,,before you go to the shower,,,,,that always makes them squirm.

walk around naked all the time - no response, comment or even acknowledgement. I haven't asked guess I just don't want to hear "I'm not that into you...LOL" and part of me feels like why should I ask? Just so that I will know? and what difference does that really make to 3+ yrs of "no hugging, no kissin...and I got a wedding band". Yes, I know I should ask, just not sure if I care enough to want to know the reason anymore.

Vecca - do not bother asking. His behavior is the tell. Words are not needed.

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So you've seen a lawyer (a while back) to see how a divorce would shake out for you.

For whatever reason, you didn't proceed down that path, at that time.

But you've still got the information, you still have that option as a choice at this time.

Maybe some other reason will come up not to take that choice on at this time either. Or maybe you will.

Your future is still out there ahead. Might be more of the same. Might be very different indeed.

Your choice.

Tread your own path.

I am the wage earner, so financially....Not to be distasteful or disrespectful it was a matter of finding out that "'s cheaper to keep him". Now it's a matter of at what cost = financially or emotionally?

that is the million dollar question.

How much does being emotionally abused cost???

do you guys have children?

Not together...children are grown and out of the house.
It changes his standard of living significantly. Our relationship is not acrimonious... just civil and not intimate

Yes,,,,,I so know the "civil and not intimate" relationship.

It's called a relationship of convenience for them.

If there are no children in the house,,,,,then time to move on,,,,,and unshackle yourself.

Sending you a key to that lock.

(( key ))

Is it cheaper to keep him over the long term? For example, does the money you pay him get more the more time you spend married? What about if he comes down with an ailment as he ages, won't you have to pay him more then?

It may be "cheaper to keep him" short term, but what cost over your entire lifespan?

How much of your pension do you want to share with him when the time comes?

Personally I think emotional reasons trump financial ones. Personally, I'd rather have LESS money and be MORE happy! But that may not be your choice. . . .

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