I Live In a Sexless Marriage

Truly, Madly, Deeply

By: TrulyMadlyDeeply38

Written on January 5th, 2013

I changed my username today because I realized that if I'm not living my life truly, madly and deeply, then I am not living it.

That, and I want to remind myself of why I am "here."

I signed onto EP over a week ago. I was googling "sexless marriage" for resources and fell into this. I didn't know what to expect. Some of the responses to my first story smacked of "tough love" in an attempt to provide a dose of reality, of personal responsibility. And for which I am grateful.

I don't know what I'll do next with respect to my marriage. Most of us get up each morning, put one foot in front of the other, and go through the motions. I am a mom to two under the age of 8 and most days I'm too busy to think of what's happening the next day, never mind the relationship I have with my husband. But that is an excuse. I can no longer ignore that there is a problem that leaves me craving intimacy. Every day.

So I'll start living truly, madly and deeply. I will do the things that make me feel alive: go for a run, do some yoga, drink tea, laugh at the silly things that annoy me, AND I will think about what it is I truly need. I will formulate the words I need to say to a man who made me a better person on so many levels, but some how didn't, or didn't know how, to love me truly, madly and deeply.

And as I write that last sentence, I realize that I am equally responsible for not loving *him* the same way. Because I entered the marriage denying that I was in love with somebody else. And in so many ways, I punished my husband for *my* mistake by not being completely open to the possibilities.

God, I'm scared. But I'm not scared enough to move forward.

Neil Gaiman posted this New Year's message on Facebook today. It is now my profile picture/avatar. And it resonates. It's not the full quote, but the bulk of it:

"I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something.

...

Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever."

By: TrulyMadlyDeeply38

Age: 41-45 , Female

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17 responses

harveyspecter

Entering marriage being in love with someone else. That hit me like a lightning bolt. Thanks so much for posting. I'm new here too.

Jan 18
1 like
- TrulyMadlyDeeply38
  Welcome aboard? :) This site, particularly this board, is like a hard slap in the face some days. Kind of hard to NOT face reality here...
  It's messed up. While I still *love* the other guy, I am well-beyond wanting to run to him. It will never happen; I've grown up in-between then and now. BUT it complicated everything. And now, here I am trying to deal with a mess. Apparently all on my own. My husband knows we need to talk, but won't bring it up... I think he's afraid of what I have to say. And I'm in a spot right now where I'm struggling to be brave. So afraid of the outcome, of failing. And yet, have been failing for 15+ years. Sigh.
  
  Jan 21
  1 like
- experienceman11
  You are so right about EP being a slap in the face. We get used to the way things are even though we feel ignored, we continue on. EP gives us a chance to get a variety of suggestions from people who have been there, and how they fixed it or moved on. It has opened my eyes, big time! Good luck!
  
  Feb 5
  1 like
Smiler34

Fantastic post. You are already well along the road to making a new life by acknowledging some of the reasons for why it is happened. Thanks also for talking about getting back into running and yogo. It can really perk you up lol. Christmas is well and truely gone and I do need to make sure I get back on my exercise bike today after doing nothing yesterday!

Jan 6
2 likes
- TrulyMadlyDeeply38
  Thank you! Enjoy your bike ride!
  
  Jan 6
  1 like
- Smiler34
  Your welcome :-) Still hasn't happened yet. As my motto goes, never do straight away what can wait for later lol.
  
  Jan 6
  1 like
enna30

Sometimes on this forum the long term members like myself are accused of being "divorce happy" - in other words, of seeing divorce as the only option in these situations.
I'd like to think that there are people who post here for whom divorce is not inevitable if they are seeking a better life. And I hope very sincerely you will be one of these.
If you can convey to your husband that his behaviour truly is a deal-breaker for your marriage, hopefully he will both recognise the need for change AND implement it. I certainly hope so for your sake.
But what gives me the greatest joy in your post is your own commitment to living your life in full. You are offering him the chance to come with you on that journey - but you are not saying it will be a non-starter if he doesn't accept that invitation. This confidence and commitment are your greatest assets in the journey you are planning. I wish you EVERY success and hope your husband joins you in it!!

Jan 6
1 like
- TrulyMadlyDeeply38
  Thank you Enna. I'm on the edge of something and it's rather exhilarating and scary. My heart beats a bit faster each time I think of the possibilities.
  
  Jan 6
  1 like
R23Olympic

Keep in mind that when you have "The Talk", your spouse may try to quickly change and diffuse the situation. Unfortunately, the changes are typically short lived. So you'll want to wait a month or two and then see if your spouse reverts back to they way things used to be.

Jan 5
2 likes
- TrulyMadlyDeeply38
  I hope to be able to clearly state what I need/want. And hoping he will be able to do the same. Words are a first step. Actions should follow. Time will tell, won't it?
  I do worry, however, that I am setting him up to fail. He is busy with work, and studying towards his professional designation this Spring. I am concerned he won't be able to follow through.
  That said, there never is a good time, is there? If he's looking for an excuse to avoid intimacy, he's got one.
  Oh dear. I should stop thinking. I'm in quite the muddle. I was thinking, over dinner tonight, how when I said I was leaving (10 years ago), that he didn't fight for me. He heard what I had to say and didn't do... well, anything.
  Sometimes I feel the writing IS on the wall.
  
  Jan 5
  1 like
- bazzar
  A gentle chastizment for you sister. It is AWFULLY unwise to issue an ultimatum that you are not prepared to carry out.
  All you achieve is to bang up your credibility, and teach the other person not to take you seriously.
  
  Jan 6
  1 like
- TrulyMadlyDeeply38
  LOL. Kind of like dealing with children! Gotta stick to my guns, I know. I will create a plan, choose my words carefully so they cannot be misconstrued. And be clear to him as to what my requirements/needs are. Next step, find some courage. :)
  
  Jan 6
  1 like
neuilly

It is about paying attention to your tears, Your fears, your desires, your dreams. And even if you do that in little steps, it will make a difference. Before long you dreams become less impossible to achieve. Your dreams become reality.

Jan 5
3 likes
- TrulyMadlyDeeply38
  Thank you for the encouragement.
  
  Jan 5
  1 like
bazzar

Seemingly innocuos choices can be the start of something.
When someone comes on here with a handle like "lonelymomof2" or similar, it seems to me that they have defined themselves as a "Lonely Mother of Two" and, it is going to be very hard to bust out of that self created mould.
There have been some ripper name changes here over the years. I think my favourite was "13Yearsforme" who opened up with a tale of woe about her 13 year dysfunctional marriage. In pretty short order, she changed it to "ANewLife4Me" and started her forward movement.
Your change of monniker might be of significance as days to come unfold, or it might not be. "TrulyMadlyDeeply" will write that story.
Tread your own path.

Jan 5
4 likes
- Endthegame
  You said you will try to formulate the words to say to your husband. A good place to start on here is a post by Enna30 called 'The talk'.
  Good luck
  
  Jan 5
  1 like
- TrulyMadlyDeeply38
  Bazzar, Thank you for being a voice of reason; I truly appreciate it.
  Endthegame, I read the entry. It took forever to find b/c Enna has 111 of them and I had a hard time searching with phone. :) We recently had a calm discussion, which lead to getting lucky. But since then I've regressed to being angry over the 1.5+ yr hiatus (one of many through the years). We need to talk and decide if its possible to progress and how. The only way I can conscionably leave my marriage, should that be what it comes down to, is by first making an effort, on both parts. Maybe it's too late, but won't know if we don't try.
  As for Enna's many stories, I am excited to be able to access them as resources through this journey.
  
  Jan 5
  1 like

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