Truly, Madly, DeeplyI changed my username today because I realized that if I'm not living my life truly, madly and deeply, then I am not living it.
That, and I want to remind myself of why I am "here."
I signed onto EP over a week ago. I was googling "sexless marriage" for resources and fell into this. I didn't know what to expect. Some of the responses to my first story smacked of "tough love" in an attempt to provide a dose of reality, of personal responsibility. And for which I am grateful.
I don't know what I'll do next with respect to my marriage. Most of us get up each morning, put one foot in front of the other, and go through the motions. I am a mom to two under the age of 8 and most days I'm too busy to think of what's happening the next day, never mind the relationship I have with my husband. But that is an excuse. I can no longer ignore that there is a problem that leaves me craving intimacy. Every day.
So I'll start living truly, madly and deeply. I will do the things that make me feel alive: go for a run, do some yoga, drink tea, laugh at the silly things that annoy me, AND I will think about what it is I truly need. I will formulate the words I need to say to a man who made me a better person on so many levels, but some how didn't, or didn't know how, to love me truly, madly and deeply.
And as I write that last sentence, I realize that I am equally responsible for not loving *him* the same way. Because I entered the marriage denying that I was in love with somebody else. And in so many ways, I punished my husband for *my* mistake by not being completely open to the possibilities.
God, I'm scared. But I'm not scared enough to move forward.
Neil Gaiman posted this New Year's message on Facebook today. It is now my profile picture/avatar. And it resonates. It's not the full quote, but the bulk of it:
"I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.
Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something.
Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it.
Make your mistakes, next year and forever."